tonight was fun, going to Caffe Espresso and having a girls' night in watching Bridget Jones's Diary for the 10th time or so. AND....I ran into whatshisface...Mike :P But I'm proud of myself for being civil but not overly anxious. Shelly and Tricia were helpful as a calming effect. But...why did he have to lean so damn close?! damn him! to remind me of how comfy it is to hug him? grrrrr Although I can't say that would be top on my list of what I'd like to do to him...grrrrr I still have to urge to slap him. ::sigh:: I suppose that will pass in time--though it hasn't yet. At least I didn't act out my anger, even though I still had it. At the same time of course, I was genuinely curious to know what's going on in his life, even if I really don't want to hear it all. That's the paradox I guess--part of me wants to be friends with him for some good conversations....and part of me wants to kick his ass out of my life. I know which part is the smart part.

UGH....it certainly would be easier if I could fall for someone else. I'm working on it...but it's not exactly something 1) I want to rush into and 2) that I can just instantly feel something--I've realized I just don't work that way...though I admit I do feel Something for Scotty, even if I can't quite identify what it is yet. Too soon to be too serious, but strong enough to be something to consider. I just wish I wasn't so messed up still. It's really damn annoying to have these fleeting thoughts about my summer fling, Mike, other random people along the way and even stupid Brandon. Of course, it's stupid to think that I can just forget about my past either....it will always be there, just a matter of thinking in a new perspective.

And so, I have to just breath in, breath out, calm down and look forward to a call from Scotty tomorrow. If he doesn't call, well then, he doesn't call and I work from there. I have patience, but certainly little patience for someone who does not have time for me...'bout damn time I learn that ;) I guess that's one of the things that sort of dating around has taught me--you don't have to settle. Not that a person should be nitpicky and bitchy, but there's a point when you have to keep some standards. I'll have none of this dating for the sake of dating shit, nope, nah uh, not again. ....let's all just hope that all this schtuff I've been writing about I actually take to heart, hm?

On an related but different note...it's really amazing what you can learn about yourself and others from a few hours of GOOD conversation. Tricia and Shelly, you guys rock--if I was a guy or gay, I'd date ya ;) But, since I'm not and you're not...I'll just keep on enjoying chilling with the fun friends ya are;) Sorry sometimes if I get wrapped up in my own thing....I guess we're all self-absorbed sometimes. Remember to kick my ass sometimes when I need to shut up ;) hehehe Anyways, I should get some sleep. Here's hoping for a happy new year for all! :)

well, I didn't feel a lot better the next day, but I feel a lot better now. stupid flu. Anyways, tonight I went out with good friends to the bars downtown. Overall it was actually a pretty good day:

*got to sleep in
*watched tv with my parents
*took a leisurely bath
*took my time getting ready
*did a few odd things around the house
*talked online for a while
*made a HUGE snowman with Tricia--let's just say, it's taller than us and we had to use a self-made ramp out of a ladder, wheelbarrow and board to get the body on top of the base. It kicks ass ;) and my mom enjoyed the whole thing so much that she took pictures and helped out a bit.
*had some hot cocoa and fairly good leftovers
*Jenny W came over and we watched LOTR--the extended DVD version, which was nifty--I wish they had just made one big version though :P
*Shelly drove over too and all of us went out downtown and played some darts (Shelly and I kicked some ass...though it DID take FOREVER for the game to end--in fact, the game ended before we were quite done, since it only lets you have 30 rounds but oh well)
*got home and now I have time to blog

So yeah, nothing really very grand or anything....though it WAS a good time making fun of some people we went to high school/grade school with that we saw out at the bars. It was sooooo tempting to throw a dart over at Maria's head...but I resisted. Besides, knowing my luck, I probably would have missed and hit some hottie in the eyeball instead :P Oh well, such is life. Thus far, vacation isn't really too bad. It's been surprisingly relaxing. I'm sure some of that will end tomorrow when I help my brother Scott with some of his moving into his new apartment. And then there's the whole New Year's and Scotty thing. And then Aruba. Yeah, it's going to start getting busy, but I really can't complain.

The only thing that only VERY slightly bothers me is that I haven't talked to Mike. Now DON'T panic! I'm not regressing or anything (at least, not in that department). It's just that I saw him online once, but he wasn't on long and he didn't IM. THat wouldn't be strange except he was on a screen name that I'm fairly certain he only created to talk to me--it's possible there's more than one use or maybe he plans on switching to it, but since I've only seen him on there that once, it seems unlikely that he's using it. Did I write about talking to Mike yet? Hm, maybe, maybe not...I don't feel like scrolling to try and find an entry.

I'll summarize: a few weeks back, Mike IMed cuz he heard that I saw him at the bars and that if I had actually run into him, I would have thrown my drink at him and slapped him (or perhaps punched him) in the face and then walked away. He didn't like that idea too much...I don't think he realized how very very very angry he made me and that I was still angry--he wouldn't have many ways of knowing cuz I didn't talk about him much with his friends and I hadn't talked to him at all since that stupid night in October. Anyways, so he IMed and he apologized for being an ass and blah blah blah and he just wants things to be civil. Though I have to say, I'm proud of the way I made the majority of the conversation rough on him, I did in the end tell him that I would resist the temptation to physically hurt him if I see him again, though I couldn't promise I wouldn't verbally abuse him....just too tempting. I also told him that I wasn't sure I could handle being his friend again...at least not yet.

So, I'm sure that's why he's keeping a strong distance. I know it's stupid to even think about trying to be friends with him, but sometimes it is kind of a pain knowing that I can't talk to him. It's also a real pain in the ass knowing he has $45 worth of books of mine! He has my 3rd ed. AD&D players handbook AND he has my Sea of Swords novel which I would VERY much like back. I know I need to just go over there and take it...but it just seems so....out of the way. And it means having to see him...unless I can manage to arrrange for swiping them when he's out and his friends (who are also my friends, though it's not like we regularly hang out) are in.

::sigh:: sounds like a mission....well, perhaps I am up for a mission this week ;) we shall see...we shall see ;)

feelin a bit better :) maybe tomorrow I'll be much better and able to actually make a sizable blog entry. Until then!

ick....I feel....ick. I haven't been this sick in a long time :( When will it end?!!!! Wish me luck trying to get rid of whatever stomach flu bug I picked up! please :\

We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year! ...well, maybe not "we" but "I" do ;) Have a great holiday season, weather you celebrate the Christian holiday, Jewish holiday (of course that's already past, but still) or any other holiday variety. Busy with family and friends for the last few days and for perhaps the next few--we shall see. Later :)

Back home. Today I went with my parents to see my grandparents and an assorted variety of other relatives for an early Christmas celebration. It wasn't too bad, except for the part about driving from EC at 8:30am today after staying up til 2:30am with Mandy. The food was good and it was nice seeing some of my cousins, especially since the younger ones get a kick out of having me play games with them. There was a time when I used to play with them, when I was about their age and they were just toddlers, but then I didn't see them for a while--I was too cool for them and they were too cool for me or what have you. Now it's just the right age to start actually having conversations with the oldest of the young cousins and first cousins once removed, which is kind of nice since I happen to fall in this inbetween age with having cousins more my older brothers' ages or almost ten years younger. So I was never really close to any of my cousins, though two of them actually went to EC, but only one was there when I was there and he graduated the same year I started. There was always just too much distance between us for us to see each other between holidays.

...I tell you though, it's kind of a pain blogging at home :P I should wait til they go to bed or something, but that's annoying...oh well. Guess I gotta be sneaky about it. I just don't feel like having them looking at my journal, you know? Oh, it could be worse--it's not like I say EVERYTHING in here and it's not like I've been really all that exciting that they would really care, but still, it's one of those things a kid just doesn't want to share with her parents. So, I suppose I'll just write later. See ya.

Yes, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers rocked. I was very much impressed. Granted, there were some changes, and it ends earlier than book two, leaving some key things for the 3rd movie. However, there was A LOT of material to cover in just one 3 hour movie, so I can understand why they did that. As for the added scenes....well, most of them were actually quite good and if they did not enhance the movie, they at least still made sense. Anyways, I won't give anything away for those who have not seen it, but I highly recommend it (yes, that means you Jenny A--get your butt in the theater. I don't care if you need a cathater to make it through, just do it!). Other than that, nothing really new and exciting going on. I have a final today, last one, my final final this semester and then I just need to drive home tomorrow morning. I'm NOT looking forward to packing...or driving in the morning for that matter. I'd drive tonight but I'd rather get in some time with some friends, and also I'm not so big a fan of icky weather driving at night. But I have to be home by probably noon at the latest so I can do an early Christmas with my grandparents. Oh well, it shouldn't be TOO bad. But, now I suppose I should go be productive. Later ;)

THE LORD OF THE RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE TWO TOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME....GOING TO THE THEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....SOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! :)! :)! :)! :)! (I resort to multiple punctuation all the time....it's just my thing) MIDDLE EARTH! FRODO! LEGOLAS!!! MAGIC!!! ENTS!!! GANDALF!!!! ELVES!!!! THE RING!!!! ......joy....

slowly coming together :)

okay....so now I have commments....but they're rather messed up. I'm too tired to deal with them right now. You can always comment to me about the comments...if you want to....

Research paper? Defeated!!! First exam? Defeated!!! Katie's mood? Vastly improved :) For those of you who don't know what it means to be defeated, you should check out this site--it's fun....at least I think so ;)

Okay...Tricia put in her dream...she told me about it and I read it. Then I took a nap...Here is what follows:

Came home from school, my brother Scott had a surprise for me.... he got a new big black pickup truck... a lot like Jon Wolf’s actually—not that I’ve seen it, from what he said way back when...
And then I was driving with my mother, towards downtown...we were going shopping...but I hadn’t taken a shower that day, and I felt really icky, but we went anyway. Except, I was driving our old van, and it didn’t stop that well...I had to use both feet on the brake al the time. But that was not unusual I guess. So then we drive there. But it was kinda dangerous the whole way... I kept almost hitting cars. And then we stopped at this place downtown; it was sort of like a gas station, but it was an ice cream place. Mom bought me a drink—some kind of soda, no pink lemonade and she had diet pepsi. Then we left there, and I was glad cuz I felt super scrubby. So then we get back in the car, and are looking for this place, this car dealer ship or something. I’m not sure why.
OH! I forgot, back when I was driving with my mom, we switched vehicles part way, and were driving some big station wagon EXCEPT, I was driving from the back seat for some reason. And it was REALLY hard to do. I did NOT like it, cuz I had a hard time controlling the car, and I felt like we were going to get hit all the time.

OH I forgot one more thing, when my mom and I were driving, some stupid driver in front of us, threw a baseball mitt up in the air. It landed right by my head, and I did the little duck and cover thing. And then, we threw it back to him, and he said thank you. That was just weird. And it seemed my mom and I were driving from our home to downtown...even though downtown was nothing like home.

Skip scenes, I’m with Tricia? Not sure...but we were downtown, walking around. We walked into this restaurant, it was a nice sort of place, with a bar, and booths and a lot of people, I mean a ‘LOT and it was evening, and as we were walking...oh shoot, it was actually Jenny A I was with, anyway, as we were walking, we realized that there were famous people here too. We though t we saw...Dan Akroyd...but for some reason that was not unusual, like I se him all the time in town. And we saw...some guy that seemed familiar from a movie...some old guy, and we saw Woody Allen, and...erg, someone else, don’t’ remember. Anyways, then some guy was trying to hit on me, and he was quite drunk and not very bright. H e wanted to buy m e a shot, and I’m like....um...okay, wishing I had said no, but then luckily there came Jenny and I was like, oh, but we need to GO, and she pulled me along with her, using a rubber band between our two fingers to hold us together. So we left. But then

Scene change, we’re at this restaurant, a very small one. It’s like an ice cream parlor...an old looking one lots of wood and stuff. We’re there and then we realize there’s a play going on right there, a not very good one. It’s a kind of community theater, and the not quite so talented artists go there. But there was actually one fairly good singer of the bunch. So the play ends, and the owner comes out and is with all these girls in like old frilly country dresses, and they all take turns bowing, and we clap. Then we decided to get out of there...not sure why, I guess we thought that was weird, but we went out the back way, and that was where all the dressing rooms for these girls were but they were having like a big party back there, it was like cubicles, not rooms and they were doing gymnastics acts, walking on the tops of the cubicles and stuff, and lots o laughing like there was this really big joke everyone got but me, even Jenny, cuz apparently she used to be in gymnastics. Anyways, for some reason Amanda and Nikki are in the bunch, being gymnasts and apparently performers too. And they do this weird contortionist trick, which is just...weird...but anyways, I grab Jenny finally and we leave

We go on to the next place.... we’re at a pool? Only...now it’s Tricia I am with. We’re at a really really big Holiday inn. And we walk through this REALLY nice restaurant to get to the pool. I mean, we look super out of place in sweats and all that. But we do it anyway, its like we’re exploring this place when we’re not supposed to be. So we finally make our way slowly towards the pool. We walk through a couple different rooms with pools, and as we’re walking through the last one, I slip in a little and get my pants went to like the knee. And Tricia is ahead of me then. She walks on through to the locker room. I, being only about 10 feet from the door, and stopped by a police officer in the pool. He says I can’t be walking through the pool areas with clothes on. I said but look at these clothes, they're meant for changing out of, I wouldn’t actually wear them out in public! They’re too see-through and this is a tank top, see? And look, I’m already wet. But the police officer, who I forgot to mention is cute, though obnoxious, says, but you have a third pocket on your back pocket--those are designed for outdoors No matter how hard I try to convince him, he won’t let me go through, and me, not wanting to get arrested, walk back through the way I came, thinking of how I can get there without him noticing. Thing is, Tricia and I did go in the back way, I know there’s another way through.

But the place is SO huge I’m not sure how to get there. I end up walking through another room with a pool, it’s all covered, not in use. Then I keep going, through a door....it occurs to me that I am very upset at this police officer. I was so close to the door, and he wouldn’t let me in, wouldn’t even do it as a favor. So I start taking little things apart in the pace. I knocked down decorations a little, just like big banners and ribbons and stuff, not all the way knocked down, but just enough to be noticeable. I keep doing that as I walk through...I’m in an auditorium now, some kinda nice theater, I keep looking through doors to try and find the stairs I know is somewhere, to bring me either up or down, towards the pool area. I FINALLY find a set of stairs, that goes up, towards the gifts hop for the theater, and there I see a receptionist for the holiday inn, and I go there to lodge a complaint about the police officer. This guy at the desk is also, quite hot. So I talk to him, I tell him that whole story, how I was so close, but he wouldn’t let me through, and now I’ve spent 20 minutes getting LOST trying to find my way out of there, and now I don’t know if I’ll be able to find my friend, since she’ll be all worried about me He looked concerned, though not overly, and said he’d lit the guy know. So then I finally star towards the locker room again, and there’s a new officer there instead, actually...it was the guy from Family Matters the one with Erkel. Mr. Winslow. ANyways, it was the dad in that. But it’s okay, cuz I’m going the right way now, but out comes Tricia from the locker room before I get there...she’s ready to go. Apparently we’re not swimming. I just want out of there, cuz I’m worried about the officer noticing all the taking apart I’ve been doing with the decorations. She brings the car around for me, I run out there...but not before I take apart part of the pole from the stairway outside, and put it on the ground. I don’t actually steal it. What car does she bring around? My old dodge colt. And she’s driving it? So, we start going out of the parking lot, but her driving makes me nervous, cuz it’s my car and there’re a lot of strange drivers round



Anyway, so we’re in the parking lot, somehow, we switch positions. Eventually, the car turns into the car I drive now. Things are looking more normal. And then, we drive in this other. strange area

And it’s Jenny with me again. We're in a very old, dusty looking region...OH YEAH, we are in a nice area of town, with big old historic homes. And we notice a BUNCH of cars outside one f the homes, and signs, and we remember that the governor is having the president over for a big dinner thing. We notice limousines, and the people for the limos are arguing about what color they should be, since there normally would be snow this time of year, but it’s actually nice outside, so they should be white, but if it DOES snow, they should use a grayish color. Anyways, we keep driving on by...then we park. There’s a BUNCH of stuff set up for the president. There’s an entire like historic set. Think of Heritage hill, with all the workers and costumes and old buildings. So yea, Jenny and I are now walking through it. We notice some stuff lying out on the side of the road. Some very funky, old looking boots, and some oven mitts. We put on the oven mitts, and then some lady comes up to us asking if we’ve seen any oven mitts around lately. I said...I don’t think so...and then I realize I’m wearing the matching one to the one she’s looking for. So I give it to her. Then we look at the boots, very cool. I would have tired some on, but there was another lady there, dressed in a maid’s costume from like the late eighteen hundreds, and I think the better of it. She’s one of the workers for the whole thing, and she starts speaking, using the accent from the time.... I guess. So then Jenny and I do too...or was it Tricia. At this point, they keep changing. Anyways, I’m even going into a bit of a British accent. And some other guy is there too, and then, we decide, we have to use the bathroom but it’s kind of creepy place to do such things...for some reason, stuff is decked out for Halloween sort of too, or more voodoo like, but we’re walking around, and we spot one, I have to go really bad, but Jenny runs in first. I complain, cuz that’s the third time that day that she grabbed the bathroom first. And then, I woke up...apparently I really had to go to the bathroom. So that’s it

Yeah....strange dream. Lots of driving, restaurants and a bathroom....I’m thinking I need to go get dinner and to use the facilities.... ;)

I never thought I could miss my journal this much. Not this electronic one, but the hand written one I have...which I left at home. I have to go another week without it. Of course, that also means a week without my address book and a week in which my family has the open opportunity to read it. Granted, my parents don't venture in the basement much, and my brother Scott doesn't come home too much. It's probably safe..and they've never gone snooping through my stuff....to my knowledge. Besides, they know most of what's in there anyway, pretty much. Maybe there's a few details in there, but I try to keep my journal relatively clean--even I don't need to know all the details...I was there, I should remember most of it with a few context clues. Anyways, the point is, I am really getting used to using my journal. Whenever I have a bad day or a good day or am just in a contemplative mood, I go to my journal to write it down. I sort of do the same thing with this journal...but there's something about having to type it up...and also the fact that my friends have access to it...that keep me from writing down some things here. Oh, most of the facts are in here....though they may be ambigious at times. But my journal is like the unabridged version--even though it sill has some censoring. And it's a nice, hand held size, and I use gel pens, which are fun to write with. I can't believe how much life is contained in that one little book. I guess I just can't believe how much has happened since the beginning of this last summer. It's really amazing when I stop and think about it. So many choices...so many times when I could have gone right or left, and all those choices brought me to where I am now. ::sigh:: Amazing. Anyways, I guess I'm going to head to bed. My urge to write has been overcome by my urge to have my wrists stop being sore....I swear I'm going to have carpal tunnel before I'm 25 years old. Oh well, I've got just over 3 more years! Go hands go! ;)

Well, I feel better than I did last time I wrote. Things are still a little confusing, but now that school is a little less stressful, I think I can handle it. But I imagine I will still have my good days and bad days. Last Sunday was just a reminder that I am still going to have bad days now and then, and that's alright. There's a poem by Emily Dickinson that really explains well what I mean by that:

#686 "They say that 'Time assuages'--"

They say that "Time assuages"--
Time never did assuage--
An actual suffering strengthens
As Sinews do, with age--

Time is a Test of Trouble--
But not a Remedy--
If such it prove, it prove too
There was no Malady--

-----Emily Dickinson (1863, 1896)

What I think this means is, that if someting happens and you feel a great loss, you're going to feel pain from it always. Yes, time does heal things, but if it is something very meaningful and difficult, even time cannot heal it. That doesn't mean that I think it's good to wallow in the pain or that it won't be put back further and further in my mind as time goes by. But when I do think about it, it will still be a hurt--nothing can change that. And that's okay, to have a few spots in my heart that do hurt a little if I poke at them a bit. The trick is, to have enough other strong spots in my heart that overshadow the hurt and give me the strength to keep going with those smaller hurts. I don't just mean falling in love again, I mean other areas of my heart, like my love for my family, for friends, for myself, for life itself--all of those things are what make those little cuts worth risking. I just hope I always have the strength and hope to keep taking those risks.

my mood right now can best be expressed by various Staind lyrics:

I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
the thought is too
Much to conceive
I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life became 'cause
I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made
So where were you
When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me
Just what you could do...
(Fade)

...So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way. I smoke the
whole thing to my head and feel it
Wash away 'Cause I can't take anymore
Of this, I want to come apart,
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart
'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention,
though I always try to hide
And I talk to you like children,
but I don't know how I feel
I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed...
(Epiphany)

...I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
This silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!...
(For you)"

Yeah, this is my away message tonight...Just in a crappy all around mood. I shouldn't be...but last night and today, I've just been thinking too much. Last night when I was out with Mandy, Jenni and a bunch of other friends, I saw Mike. I saw him through the window of Keeters as he, Chuck and Nate walked by. They didn't see me, I think. But I saw them, walk into Caffe Espresso next door. From then on, I was on edge all night. I couldn't help but look wherever we went to see if perhaps they went out to the bars after coffee and would walk into the same bar I was in. I knew there was a chance of it...and it had me paranoid all night. And I knew that if I actually ran into him, things would not be pretty. I have no doubt in my mind that I would have thrown my drink on him and slapped him across the face. I wouldn't say a word to him unless it was a profanity. I wish perhaps that my anger would "fade," but I can't let go of it...not yet. He hurt me very badly. And even though I know my life is probably better for it, the hurt still remains. And then to make the night worse, I ran into the second fellow to break my heart later that night. I did actually talk to him, but he was too preoccupied with friends and a video game to take much notice. I realize we're not going to have a serious convo amid so many people, but I wonder if we would have talked even if we were alone. From the conversatin I had online with him today, it seems he would just as soon forget about it. I wish I could too forget about it, but I hate things that are unresolved...I hate not knowing if there was ever anything there...

I know that it seems things with Scotty should make all this irrelevant, but honestly, I think I need to get some of these issues straightened out before I can fully appreciate starting something with Scotty. He's a REALLY great guy, and I really do hope things develop with him, but I also know not to get my hopes up too much either...I REALLY don't need to have more issues to deal with. That's not to say that I've had the WORST experiences and Oh poor me...It's just that, it's not a fun experience, and as much as I may try to deny it or forget about it, those things in my past are still there....I gotta go, be back

AND THEN!

Of all the computer labs on all the campuses in all the world...she walked into mine
the red-gold haired goddess, rescuing me from my brainless boredom...and her name...is Jenny. Nice of her to drop by the same exact computer lab at 6:10pm...a place I would under normal circumstances be very far away from. So yes, perhaps the night will be aight after all.....Midnight Margaritas anyone?

oh...is it really 6pm now? So it is....it's too hard for me to tell anymore what time it is, what day it is...is it night? day? is Bush still President? Do they really give free food and condoms away on Sunday at Towers social room? ...I just don't know anything anymore. My mind....long ago it slipped into the recesses of wrinkled forehead, prematurely aged like my carpal tunnel wrists. Have I brushed my hair some time in the last 12 hours? apparently not...uneven chunks of my hair sit around my neck in various areas, popping out of my bun with more energy than the whole rest of my body possesses. the deed is done, the never ending spawn of evil has been vanquished...4 days late...5 days spent in mental and physical anguish. How could my friends stand me in the last week? I sure could not.

And is it truly over? ...no...not really....a draft of a research paper due tomorrow. a draft...words that ring like sweet sweet funky ass hard rock music to my ears--Thank you oh professor who wrote those honeysuckle words that are my savior tonight. a draft does not have to be complete, does not have to flow, does not have to be grammatically correct, does not need a works cited page....Oh draft, if I could write a poem to you....I would write you a sonnet...no, too much effort. I would write you a stream-of-consciousness free verse, the words with which I adorn you would fall naturally and effortlessly upon your slacker shoulders.

Rebecca..what the fuck.....is that my name? no....do I want to be called that? no.... ::sigh:: at least he acknowledged my presence...I know it must have been a chore considering how "uncomfortable" he is around me....but I suppose I deserve that after being kinda bitchy to him, but you know, most of that was kidding, and if someone can't take a little harmless banter then :P on you.

Anyways, sorry for the offshooting comment there. Someone just walked in the computer lab that I kinda know. Whatever. So, where was I, oh yes, meaningless (yet poetic sounding) drivel about writing a rough draft. yippidee doo...I'm not into blogging anymore...I'm done now...see ya later ;)

...sweet...

yes it did :) but it needs a little editing...

did it work now??????

I really want to make some changes to my template....but for some reason it's not working right :( Very sad. I suppose it means I'll just have to content myself with the hours of homework I've been avoiding. ::sigh:: I guess....well, sooner I get done, sooner I can forget about my stupid teaching unit. I like the ideas and all; I just don't want to type it all up cuz I know it will take hours to finish. Bleah....See ya when I'm done...which means tomorrow sometime.

I should be in bed right now. I WILL be soon. Jenny is forcing me to blog right now though. I think you should go smack her up for me...she's so mean....so mean that she even kills imaginary characters for fun since she can't get enough from just making real people's lives crappy. .....Okay, so maybe the last part isn't true, but the first part is...check it out! At least I felt guilty about killing the Sim AND it wasn't my idea either. ::sigh:: That's sadistic Jenny for you ;) hehehehe...It's fun picking on you...actually it's fun picking on anyone--with that in mind, watch out! ....YOU could be next--and you may not even be expecting it! "NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!" tee hee hee....OH, and dudes, You REALLY should check out these sites; they've been the cause of HOURS of procrastination for me (okay, maybe not the cause per se...let's just say they've given me a medium for my distraction). One is a kick ass funny animation site called Homestar Runner--check out the Strong Bad Emails in particular. And the second site of note called Nuklear Power is good for anyone familiar with gaming--especially Final Fantasy (FF), D&D, Shadowrun, and old Nintendo games--since it features a comic strip with FF characters from the old Nintendo game system and the basic plot and jokes stemming from role playing games. Even if you're NOT familiar with gaming, it's still a laugh or two. Eventually I'll probably make a permanent link to these two sites, but for now I'm too tired :P I had best get to bed so I can make the drive home tomorrow. And I even have plans with Scotty ;) Ought to be an interesting weekend :) especially with all the shitty homework I have to do....hours.....of homework.....I HAVE to do.....bleah. But it's Thanksgiving! Turkey Time!!! And FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND FUN!!! ...and homework :P .... Eh, such is life ;) ENJOY THE BREAK!!! :)

So...what's new? Good question. Not a whole lot really. I was a big slacker last night and so now I'm quite behind on my work for this week. I'm planning on making up for that this evening and tomorrow, so wish me luck on that. This weekend was a lot of fun, though. Saw Down and Above for the third time on Friday along with a couple other bands that were playing at The Quest that night, including EXO who I only heard part of the last song for, so I didn't get much of a feel for them, and Spiritfall who were rather Incubus/Hoobastank-like which was cool and they had a good singer. But the highlight of the evening was definately Down and Above--the crowd was actually quite big for them, which was pretty kick ass...aside from the crowd getting, well, croweded at one point, acting rather rowdy and some guy displacing Chris from the front by Tricia and I and bumping into her repeatedly making watching the last song or so an effort. I was in a good position though, right in front, with Tricia on my left and some hippie leather chick on my right who aside from being high was pretty nice. DNA sounded great as usual despite the poorer quality sound system and the annoying crowd, so it was a good time :) I do feel kind of dumb though when I'm standing there talking to the band members...well, more like, standing there next to Tricia and Chris while they talk to the band since they know them better...I think the only one of them that really acknowledges that I've been to three shows with Tricia and Chris is the drummer Zach--he's a nice guy. I guess a band can really only keep track of so many fans. But at least they do take the time to talk to you if you ask them a question or make a point of saying hello.

The rest of the weekend was laid back but fun. Tricia, Jenny and I went to see Star Wars Ep. II at the IMAX theater by the Minnesota Zoo on Saturday afternoon, which was pretty kick ass ;) 50 foot Yoda...that's all I have to say ;) And then we went to Old Chicago pizza for dinner--tradition of course. As was the Chinese food we ordered on Sunday during the Packer game. What was also quite cool on Sunday was that I found a dress for my brother Scott's wedding :)! And it was A LOT less than I had thought I would need to spend, so that makes me VERY happy. AND it looks great :)! Happiness Abounds! So that was my weekend in Minnesota.

What else is new? Hmmmmm....well, I had some interesting conversations about spirituality this weekend with Tricia, Jenny W, and Jenny A's roomie Jennifer....do you notice a trend here?!!! I have waaaay too many friends named Jennifer. But they're all so cool :) Oh well...at least they all have different letters for last names...well, almost....okay, so they all have different last names. That'll have to do I guess. ANYWAYS... about the conversations. Lately the issue of my own spirituality has come up, not so much in being directly asked about it; more that events and people have prompted me to think and write about it once again. I have a fairly clear idea of what my spiritual beliefs are, and have been for a while. But it has been a considerable period of time since I have expressed my ideas in the written word. That's why I think I will write about them in my next blog. Most of you readers already know pretty much my stance on things, but I guess I feel like expressing it anyway. Writing it down is a way for me to really get my ideas thought out in a clear and coherent manner. Sometimes it is really difficult for me to epress my beliefs and feelings by speaking, so writing them helps me A LOT. Now, let me say that when I do write about my beliefs, it is not because I want to encourage others to see things my way or to discount their beliefs in ANY way. I simply want to say how I feel so that others can understand where I'm coming from, especially since I my beliefs do not fit nicely in a religious package. Before I go into all that though, I'm going to end this blog entry...cuz my hands are tired after typing a long assignment, chatting online, and writing this blog :P I may or may not get to this upcoming planned blog entry tonight, but it will come soon for sure.

Well, have a good Monday--take heart! VACATION COMETH SOONETH!!!!!!!!! ;)

I know I've been super bad about blogging. I guess I've been doing just a lot of other stuff. That, and I haven't had a lot of ideas of what to write about. I had my interview for the London student teaching abroad program, which went really well. Now I just have to finish the application and get that in this week. Seems strange that such a trip could actually be a reality. In the more short range scheme of things, I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving break....I know I'll surely need it. Only thing that sucks is knowing how much crap I'll have to do when I get back from break. That's why I should say I'm really looking forward to WINTER BREAK! Cuz that means I'm done with Block and I have a month off before I start next semester! Of course, during break I'll have to be preparing for my brother Scott's wedding. AND, that also means preparing for the trip to Aruba then too ;) I can say I'm excited about that :) However, I have a feeling that at least some of the trip will be stressful, but I'm willing to deal with a little stress for the chance to go on a one week tropical vacation. I know that being home that much will be difficult for me though. I wish that I could truly say I'm over and done with that whole issue, but it's a lot easier to forget about such things when I'm not confronted with them. Time and new experiences will heal things, I know...sometimes I get a little melancholy about it though. It's hard dealing with losing one of my best friends and having a strained friendship with another. I'm not sure how salvagable either friendship is.

On the brighter side though, I AM trying to make more sense of my life. I know that lately I've been kind of....wishy washy. More precisely, I've felt a little on the empty side...a little inadequate. BUT, in the past couple days, and especially today when I was driving and thinking, I really thought about the fact that---I've got this one life to live. And though there are MANY things that I have no control over, I CAN control the way I look at life and I can ACT in ways that will make my life better. I need to ENJOY the things around me! Like even just being happy with the environment I'm in--a pretty city, nice campus, comfortable room, great roommates, close friends, and loving family. There is so much GOOD....I just have to remember to stop and think about it sometimes. There is so much MORE to life than some of the things I and others sometimes get caught up in. Even school--I could concentrate more on some studies, but at the same time, I have to remember that I'm here because I CHOOSE to be. The classes I'm in, the route I have taken are things I have wanted. And I can change my mind at any time, pursue any dreams that I see fit to follow. And there can be ADVENTURE!!! At any given time, I can do something I've never done before. The only thing that stops me is...myself. And there is so much to do! so much to see!!

Yeah, I know I'm sort of babbling here (but that's normal ;) I just needed to give myself a little pep talk--to write down some of the thoughts that have been tumbling through my mind of late. I have some choices to make, things to do in my life. It's about time I take ACTION!!! ;) I have to remember one of my favorite quotes (which was also the subtitle of my old blog, Rising Castle: "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them." --Henry David Thoreau

Can't resist sharing this...for some reason I find it funny (probably because I thought of it):

convo with Jenny A over IM:
Jenny: I need a title for my psychoanalysis paper
Me: how about.... Pyscho Anal y Sis: The Story of an Obsessive Anal Rentative Man and his Spanish Step-Sister

And there is my joke of the day. Amused? No? Well why the hell not? Don't make me come over there...

Sorry I've been a slacker lately when it comes to blogging. Too much other crap has been occupying me. I really shouldn't be taking the time now since I'm in desperate need of a nap and then I have to stop by the CIE office to pick up an application for fall and also write up a short paper for CI 318. Notice the nap comes first ;) The application is for a form of study abroad that involves my student teaching semester--the program calls for 8 weeks of regular student teaching here in EC and then 8 weeks of student teaching in LONDON :)!! Aside from it being super awesome to be in England and able to tour a bunch of historical and cool looking stuff, there's also the possibility that Jenny A will be in the same country :)!!!! Can you imagine that?! Jenny and I touring England on the weekends, maybe even spending a weekend sight seeing and living the good life in Paris?!!!!! Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself here--I still need to apply and Jenny still needs to apply for her different study abroad program. And there's the possibility of either of us not getting accepted, but oh I really do hope that it works out for both of us. For a long time I've debated the study abroad issue. At first it was for Spanish and I thought it would be cool, but I wanted to wait a while, especially since I was already dealing with a long distance relationship with Mike and I knew that a whole semester away would put a lot of strain on us. And then once the Mike problem was eleviated, I already had things planned out for my school career and I also wasn't sure I wanted to spend an entire semester out of the country--especially with no one I know. But then, out of no where, I get this email a couple weeks ago talking about 8 weeks in London for next fall, when I would be student teaching :)! So yeah, that's what's going on now. The application is due Friday, so I have to get moving on it. I'll keep ya posted about it...he he he, get it, posted? ::sigh:: I know...I'm going to bed now.

This weekend has gone by fairly quickly actually, with not too much exciting going on. Tricia and I have spent a lot of time together which of course was fun ;)--we went downtown drinking and dancing and darting (well, I wanted to keep with the alliteration ;) the night away on Friday, and today we got together after her family's shindig and played some Baldur's Gate on the PS2. We really kicked ass in the game--we've managed to learn from our mistakes this time around :) Hopefully we'll be able to get some game time in over Thanksgiving, but I can't guarantee it since it DOES belong to my bro Scott so he may want to have it so he can play Grand Theft Auto 4 which he plans to buy. Tomorrow I think I'm going shopping with my mom in the afternoon, which should be nice--I could use some shoes and a few nice shirts/sweaters for teaching. I get the feeling tomorrow will manage to be a long day--days that I drive for 3 hours tend to be that way.

I guess it was a good thing to go home this weekend--lots of stuff I had to pick up and take care of, but otherwise, it's not like it was overly important. I mean, I hung out with Tricia and my family, that's about it. Tricia I can see in MN, my family, well, it's good to see them so I guess there's nothing wrong with that. But Jenni and Chad are busy, Jenny W was busy so she couldn't go out with us Friday, so really, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. And none of the guys could hang out either--Nick's in the process of moving to GB, which might be cool cuz maybe we'll hang out sometime, and Nate was busy with Lisa of course and Ryan's busy sticking his thumb up his ass or something. And I still have not talked to Mike and still have no idea when/if i ever will. I talked to Scotty on the phone today and got some things cleared away, which is nice. Not sure when I'll see him next though--maybe Thanksgiving if he ventures to GB or maybe, MAYBE I'll think about driving to Milwaukee...that's a BIG MAYBE though cuz of the weather and schoolwork--we shall see.

Not much else to say right now. Tomorrow I'll be busy til the sun comes up Monday most likely :P I still have to figure out what to do with those seniors....I'll come up with something I guess. Maybe I'll do some internet searching before bed tonigh for some possible lesson plans. You never know! Peace out g's ;)

::sigh: and add to that...I'm going home this weekend for the first time since...I'm still not talking to him. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's not. Sometimes I get this really sharp pain in the stomach just thinking about how what I once thought was a dream come true has turned into one big messed up nightmare. How is it possible that some people can be so thoughtless, so apathetic to others' feelings? Please, friends, this weekend--let us keep each other too busy to think about all this crap....it'll be a weekend for girls on the town :) There MIGHT be room for a boy if he can manage to behave himself, but I'm not promising anything. aggh, I gotta go.

ROAR!!!!! WTF???! WHAT IS HIS ISSUE?!!!! Okay, this outburst is coming from me, but it is not concerning me, not directly that is. I read Tricia's blog since she told me her mood would be explained by it...and now I can understand why it says FUCK!!!! very big across the top of the entry. That guy deserves a big swift kick in the ass...and the face. How could he do that to her? That selfish piece of shit....I am mad...VERY MAD. ERRRG! ::sigh:: At least the blow can be softened a little if she thinks about the fact that there IS one very nice guy out there that likes her and appreciates her. Unfortunately, feelings are a messed up issue. BUT, if this shitty guy I was yelling about has managed to make Tricia think that she is less desireable, then I'm VEEEEEEERRRRY MAD, cuz Tricia is deserves sooooo much more. She's a kick ass friend and GRRRR! It's a good thing I don't know this fellow, otherwise there would be issues @E%Q@$!!@!$%!

On a totally different note, I managed to sleep through to 12pm today, totally screwing myself over in 2 ways--one: I missed English 341 for the 5th time. two: I missed TAing at the high school which looks VERY bad, so I just emailed the teacher and apologize profusely. What a start to a wonderful day? Tricia--You, Me, the bars, getting free drinks, tonight.

Hm, well...not really too much to talk about. School is sucking my life away. Well, school and The Sims, but I really haven't played THAT much. This weekend will be nice--a break from the monotony. I do like working in the high school--they're a good bunch of kids. The thing is, I'm not sure what to do with them. Tomorrow I want to do something that breaks up some of the in class reading time, but I'm not sure what's a good idea. I've just been having issues with coming up with ideas. I suppose I should be spending more time on it, and maybe that would help, but it seems like I'm just thinking over the same exact things--no inspiration going on. Oh well, tomorrow doesn't have to be perfect, but I should make sure I have something together for Monday.

Yeah, pretty much working at the high school and going to classes and doing homework--that's my life. Not really thrilling. I guess there's more I could talk about, but I guess I'm not really in the mood at the moment. In fact, this is a pretty boring blog entry. But, I figure I haven't written for a while, so I should at least get something posted. I'll try and make it up to you all...next blog entry will be MUCH more interesting, I promise, okay? ;)

Fun weekend :) Want highlights? Sure, I knew you did :)

Friday:
*Started out as a really crappy morning with getting up early to do homework, and only getting 3 hours of sleep and missing class.
*Ended up being cool after taking a nap, throwing my stuff together, driving to MN and enjoying a swingin party at Jen and Tricia's place (well, and Rachel's too of course). At the party I was dressed in traditional Japanese woman looking clothes, with my hair up in sticks and with the make up and all. The cancassa dip that I made for the party went over really well :) so that was pretty nice getting compliments and all.
*Only "down" parts were getting glitterified by a hyperactive Tinkerbell (I'll get you next time my pretty...)...getting glitter blown at my face wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have sticky makeup all over my face already so that the glitter plastered itself to my forehead....
AND...an incident with a certain cowboy Mike (this being Mike 2) in which I was facing off with him, holding on to Chris's pimp cane in between us, walking up to him as he was backing away, trying "intimdate" him a little, only to have him back into the couch which isn't sturdy so that he fell backwards over it, flipping the couch with him. LUCKILY, neither of us got hurt, but I was so embarrassed and surprised and amused that I stayed there on the floor in a fit of laughter. It was pretty funny ;)

Saturday:
*SLEPT IN!!!!! :)!!!!!
*Lazy afternoon playing some Game Cube and having Chinese take out
*Chillin at Chris and Mike 2's place for a while, helping them make tacos while waiting to go with Chris to the DNA concert.
*Going to the Down and Above (DNA) concert with Chris--meeting up with Tricia there and seeing Zach, Dave, and Ian in all their glory ;) The concert rocked with Chris, Tricia and I right in front of the stage about 5 feet away from the band and us dancing and singing along! AND I picked up one of Dave's pick's that he dropped and Tricia and I also found a couple of Ian's to keep too. So now perhaps when I buy my own guitar I have a pick to use ;) or maybe I could buy my own I suppose...naaaah ;)

Sunday:
*SLEPT IN AGAIN! :)!!!!
*Lazy afternoon playing more Game cube
*boring drive back to EC
*doing homework and am going on a study break to Perkins with Devon ;) I'll let you know how it goes--but for now I should do that homework. LATER! :)

I managed to survive the high school seniors gauntlet...so far. I still must get past the swinging swords of fire so don't count me in yet ;) What sucks though is the pleathora of homework I have now :P It seems like I have less to do cuz I have less classes (though in acutality this driving 25 min to the school every morning and then spending a couple hours there and then driving 25 min back seems to take up just as much time, especially since it is EVERY DAY). But I have a lot of big assignments coming up that I have barely begun to look at. I should have likely done more last week, and perhaps this week, but this week at least I have the excuse of having a stupid cold. From now it's school school school. I was thinking of trying to apply for a job in this "extra" time....but I think that's going to wait at least until my unit for English 406 is done. That's going to be a bitch to do, but it's nothing I havne't experienced before.

Other than that, not a whole lot is new. For the sake of an update, and not to dwell, this is the guy situation:
John hasn't called, so pretty much forget him. Brandon hasn't called either, so I guess he's not really into keeping up this friendship--the problem with forgetting about him is that I'm not sure if telling him that Mike and I broke up a couple weeks ago is going to change anything or not and I haven't had the opportunity to talk to him long enough to tell him that. So that's up in the air, but a bit pushed aside for the time being. Scotty's really cool, and he was originally supposed to visit this weekend, but he can't cuz his parents are visiting him instead to see his new place and all that jazz. He and I both call each other, so at least we're on good terms, so we shall see. Sam, the guy I met in Madison a couple weekends ago, and I went out for lunch on Sunday which was nice, friendly like, and he called this week too just to say hi and such, so now I have his number too. Not quite sure what to think of that--it'd be nice to get to know him better, but he lives in MN so it's a little difficult, but not too bad. Not sure if I see him in a romantic light or not, and I hope that he doesn't push that, and so far he's been really casual about it all, so I'm thinking that's good. And then there's Devon, the guy I met at the pub crawl last Friday who is going to be a teacher as well. He's a nice guy, cute, and he and I watched Memento tonight, which was one messed up movie. I'm still not sure what I think of it--it was just...interesting I guess...and LONG! As far as he I go, we're also on a friend type basis, though a bit more friendly than Sam and I. But I've been behaving....for the most part ;) I'm not sure what's with the guys lately--I mean, who meets someone at a bar? (okay....so my parents met at a bar....but that's not the point)

Right now, I'm trying to keep myself open for whoever and whatever comes along. I'm not really quite sure where my feeling lie at the moment. It sort of sways back and forth from day to day. I will say that Scotty has shown himself to be a really thoughtful guy and he has impressed me, but it is sort of difficult since he and I have only hung out together twice. I'd like to see him again and see what happens. So I guess if I had a list, he'd be first on it at this given moment. I'm not trying to be fickle or anything, but I guess I just want to keep my options open, since I've kind of learned that things rarely go as you think they will. Besides, I've been either single without dating or in a committed relationship for most of my life; I think it's a good time to be dating different people and getting to know a variety of guys while I'm waiting for the RIGHT guy to develop out of a possibility or stop in and show himself.

Despite the atypical social life going on right now, it's not really top on my mind right now. This whole teaching thing is tending to run at the forefront, shoving everything else below it. Strange that for once school is coming first, hm? Well, not that I am spending ALL my time studiously...I mean, there's gotta be time for my wonderful Sims family of Kate and Elijah Wood ;) hehehe, thought you might get a kick out of that Tricia :) hehhehe I guess since I never got around to writing him a letter, having a Sim character dedicated to him will have to be enough ;) ::sigh:: besides, in my experience, Aquarius's are trouble...oh wait, I'm an Aquarius....does that mean I'm trouble?

Okay, let's try this again. The third "draft" of this blog. It's really annoying cuz my second one was really quite funny, but now I'm not in the same mood/mode to try to repeat what I wrote in that one. Probably cuz now it's 1:50 and I haven't done my homework yet....and tomorrow is my first day meeting the students of the class I'll be working with for the next month and a half. The homework part doesn't bother me very much. Going to the high school tomorrow right after my first class DOES bother me :-\ Meeting the teacher wasn't that bad--cuz I know he must want me there cuz otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to having a TA. The high school seniors on the other hand...there's no knowing what they'll think of a college senior coming in who's not exactly "cool" to try to work with them and actually teach them for some of the classes. Ugh, I don't even know what to wear tomorrow. I'd like to make a good first impression.

That's what's running through my head pretty much right now. That and guys are trying to invade my thoughts too. I'm trying to fight them back with some good music...but then a song like Boxcar Racer's "I Feel So" comes on and the guys come back for another round. So I counter their counter attack with a well chilled Pepsi and some Chex Mix. Of course, then they use the whole body image concept to make me feel guilty after partaking of my comforting snack. Then I think, HA HA! but I have the excuse of PMS, so there! And then I try to squash them out by looking over my homework. ::sigh:: Then they sneak in from the side after a couple minutes when I start spacing out from the lack of interest in reading stuff about Thoreau that I already know. So I resort to writing a new blog entry, that concentrates on everything BUT guys. However, the more I write, the more that what is really on my mind fills in between the lines of my typing, and so I end up with a blog entry like this :P Ah well, at least "guys" remained an abstraction and I haven't yet mentioned any specific ones. I could, but I really don't feel like it. HA HA! Beat that, guys! ::silence:: MWA HA HA HA! SEE? They can't even speak up! ...it probably helps that none of them have the address to this blog, and that none of them have blogs that I know of...eh, that's their problem ;) I wonder what one of their blogs would look like/be about? Couldn't possibly be as cool as the blogs of Jenny, Tricia and I ;) ...well, at least Jenny and Tricia--I think mine still needs some revamping. ::sigh:: I suppose I should finish my homework. It's pretty sad that Jenny's SIMS online game got me sucked in as much as her when I wasn't even playing it. Such an evil game...but fun ;) I so want the SIMS now....but I would never get anything done if I owned it. Such is the paradox of games. For now I must go back to the game of life...joy.

Yeah, it's 4am and there is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't have gone to bed at 10pm tonight. EXCEPT that for once I really didn't have anything due for tomorrow, so I decided to take advantage of the time...by cleaning my room? No! By getting ahead on homework? NO! By doing chores in the apartment? NO!! By playing a game of Phase 10 with friends (including a semi-random stranger and an "emotional fuckwit") and watching a movie I've seen at least 5 times in the last couple weeks? YES!!!!!! Wow, what a wonderful guesser you are ;) Yes, I spent my free time tonight not catching up on sleep or work I should be doing, but by spending time hanging out with friends. I have to say it was a good time :) Granted, there was a down point when I talked with someone for an hour about not so pleasant things...same old story there, but after I spent a while watching Bridget Jones's Diary...again...and having a good conversation with Jenny, I really feel a lot better. So good, in fact, that I did a little cleaning when I got back here. THere's still a long way to go, but it's a start.

I need to get my life in shape, I really do. There is no excuse for all the self-pitying and wallowing in my inability to find any men that aren't fucked up in the emotional department. I have to face up to the fact that shit is going to happen, especially when trying to get to know new guys and when trying to let go of old ones. AND that some of the "problem" is my own fault. There are some things I could have prevented if I had really thought them through instead of getting caught up in the moment. Well, it's high time I "be the one behind the wheel" instead of letting my fear steer me into jumping too far too fast. Despite all the fairy tales, all the romance novels, all those wonderfully happy ending movies that I love...I AM okay on my own too :) Why am I not taking full advantage of this free time given to me? By being single, I have my whole life in my OWN hands, to decide to go and do what I please with my present, and what dreams I have for my future. And I have friends along side me, to help me on my way, and for me to help out as well. I shake my head at myself for falling into the same trap over and over of putting too much time into thinking about many things that I can't do a thing about, and dwelling on my need for romance, for love. How about my need for my life to have it's own meaning? Here's a great poem along those lines of thought, written by Longfellow in 1838:

"A Psalm of Life"

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!--
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of LIfe,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,--act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.
--- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Well, that paper is long over with. Of course, last night I ended up staying up til...about 6am working on an assignment that I didn't think was a big deal, until I really looked at the syllabus and realized...oh shit, this is going to take a while. But I finished it, and got a nap in this morning, so it works out. Maybe tonight will be the night I actually get a night's sleep...you never know ;)

On another note, I seem to be quite capable lately of alienating a friend...I need to somehow rectify that situation, but I'm not sure quite how. I'll talk about it more later, but right now I'm too worn out.

ACK! I can't stop tapping my foot....I'm so antsy...this stupid paper. I have 2 pages now, and I know pretty much exactly what I'll be writing in the rest of the paper...but it's so...not intersting....If I didn't know that it would be super ultra stupid to go onto AIM right now and chat with friends I would so be doign that right now...

sooo tired....and feeling very dumb for not getting stupid paper done yesterday. I can finish no problem in the next hour, but I just don't feel like it. I have a page written already (only took me a half hour, and that was with goofing off online and organizing my thoughts for the paper, which does take while, getting things to seem like there's some form going on) and I don't intend writing more than 3 pages probably. This will likely receive a mediocre grade, but I have done pretty well in everything else for the class, so I'm not TOO worried about bombing one paper. Especially knowing how much more my Unit will count anyway...which I suppose I should get started on this week, since it's due Nov. 19th and it really takes a lot of work. I'd like to make a quality one this time. Last unit I made was kinda fluffy, though it took a lot of work and planning. I'm thinking I'll grab a coffee before my midterm at 2pm. I figure I'll need a boost by then. I need a boost now, but I just ate and I should get this paper done first anyway. At least I got an A on my graphic organizer for CI 312 :) yeah, that assignment was a pain--we had to create a graphic that showed the main ideas and our interpretation of them from a book we had to read. It took forever to make the dang thing using MS Word. The only thing he said I could have improved upon was color. I suppose using all tints of blue wasn't the most colorful idea, but with little choice of printers (thank you Jenny) I decided it was a better choice than going somewhere on campus and paying for a color copy. Anyway, I had best get back to the paper for a while...maybe I'll write a celebratory entry when I'm done...

Had a great weekend in Madtown! Mandy and I spent time with her family and one of her old friends on Friday, which was pretty cool and relaxing--just the right touch. And Saturday we slept in a bit, went shopping, and hit the town :) Lara's mom took the 3 of us downtown and we hit The Red Shed which was alright--they sell HUGE long island iced teas...so we each had one. In the mean time, we were talking to a couple guys, except Mandy and Lara were talkign to theirs and I was talking to a different one who's friend introduced us. He was pretty cool--graduated the UMN, has a job, and likes the local band scene in MN which was fun to talk about. He bought me another long island iced tea which was very nice of him (especially since they're $5) and asked to put my phone number in his cell phone. I tell ya though, I REALLY didn't need that second drink....I got half way through and was FEELIN IT! Silly alcohol ;) I split half of it with Lara and Mandy cuz we had to get going on to the next place, but still, by the time we left I was drunk. So we travelled on to Brothers.

Once at Brothers, we all three made a b-line to the bathroom, which was hilarious cuz there was a line, so all three of us said we'd go into it together...though it was a single-person bathroom. The funny part was that I made it to the pot first, and the two of them were yelling at me to hurry up, which made me laugh cuz they were doing the potty dance like 5 year olds ;) So, we all three get out of there, meet back with Mandy's guy that joined us in going to Brothers, and as we were walking to another part of the bar, someone tapped me on the shoulder. Who was it? Shelly! :) I had called her earlier in the evening, and it had sounded like she wasn't coming, so to see her there was really cool :) So the 4 of us had a pretty good time the rest of the night, meeting some a bit older guys, one for each of us, and having pizza at their house (not the original plan, but it just worked out that way) and watching Road Trip, which was alright. The guy I was talking to for most of the night...well, he seemed cool when I met him, making small talk at the bar sort of flirty and such, but the more I got to know his personality....the more annoying he got. By the end I'm like...why am I even talking to him? Eh, oh well.

It was a fun AND very CHEAP night too since I only spent $6 for a drink and tip and ended up with 2 drinks and pizza :) And Shelly drove us which was super ultra cool of her, especially since we were a bit out of the way. I'll have to repay her next time we go out. Next day was okay, except for the drive back to EC. Yeah, it was fun chillin with Mandy, but it took us FOREVER. First she/her mom forgot something her mom needed out of the car, so we had to drive back after we wre already a half hour out. That wasn't TOO bad, but when put together with a huge traffic jam....seriously, it was about 15 miles long and added another hour and a half onto our trip. AND Lara (who was driving in a separate car back to EC) was having car trouble, so we were trying to meet up with her even though she was ahead of us by quite a distance so that maybe we could help her, but before we could set up a definate meeting place, Mandy's cell died. So we took two different exits, looking for Lara on the onramps. Not there, but we did stop at a gas station and used a phone there to call Lara, only to find out that her car is doing alright now and she's waaay ahead of us now. So, back into the traffic jam, finally get out of it, and a few min of peace....only to have the SNOW start. Visibility was shitty, so (being that I was driving from a point shortly before the traffic jam to EC) I was driving at about 15 mph lower than I normally would and also in a state of constant alertness for the next 45 min....It was a long night. I didn't finally relax until after I made some chocolate chip muffins and enjoyed them with Jenny and we vented a little and then did homework.

Today I met up with my cooperating teacher for being a TA this semester (starting next week). He was really nice and friendly, so I'm hoping I'll be comfortable in his classroom. It sounds like his class is sort of laid back and they really encourage student-based learning and even cross-content activities, which is great cuz that's what I've been learning all through college...about constructivist classrooms and giving students options and blah blah blah. I think I've read enough of it all to make my head spin...no really, it is a major plus when I go breakdancing--I'm the envy of everyone. ;) Okay, maybe not. But it IS good to have the first meeting with him over with, so that I can be that much less nervous when I meet the class next Monday. For now though...I get to concentrate on MY school and waaaaay too much homework. So I had best get crackin'. Catch ya later!

by the way...Bridget Jone's Diary rocks :) Perfect touch for a night like this...er...morning ;)

FUCK! just FUCK! What the fuck was he thinking?! Talked to Mike tonight--the fucking idiot. He decided that he hadn't really thought through on asking me back out. So, no more going out with Mike. WHAT THE FUCK?! I mean, yeah, so it's not totally unexpected, I wasn't that involved in the relationship yet cuz it just happened Friday. BUT FUCK MAN, HAVE SOME FUCKING DECENCY! I mean, hell, I'd rather have had sex with the guy with no commitments than have him "slip up" and ask me out. Another fucking case of someone being "in the moment" and doing something fucking ass stupid that fucks with my life. Yeah, maybe I should have known better, but you know, when someone tells you that they want to date you the 3rd time around, after 10 months of separation and being good friends, you tend to think that it means something. The fucker...So, I'm not talking to him for a good long while, and most definately not seeing him either. He can just go fuck himself. The asshole. He's on my block list, and he's going to stay there until I decided he can exist in my world again...which likely won't be until I'm in a situation where I can handle a little drama...which isn't any time soon. That's why this weekend it's off to Madison to hang with friends and having a good time. Wish me better luck to come ;) see ya!

::sigh:: Had the talk with Brandon tonight. It went about as I expected, as all conversations with him seem to go. But I guess that's a good thing cuz it sets us up for being friends again, now that things are out in the open and thoughts expressed, and allows me to think clearly about what I want from my renewed relationship with Mike. I really need to talk to him, but I wonder if it would be best to just wait til perhaps next weekend if I go home so that we can talk in person, which I think for that kind of conversation would be much better since it will be personal and we can see each others' reactions and think of each other as really being there, not just people at the other end of the line. For now I'm in a sort of limbo state where I'm not really sure what's going on. But that's nothing new. Anyways, I'm heading off the comp so I can really relax--it has been a looooooong day. This weekend should be a welcome blast of fresh fun ;) Check ya later!

Okay, I feel better now. It really helped to go with Jennifer and Jenny to Applebee's for happy hour :) Well, it wasn't really happy hour anymore, but it was dinner time and we had a couple drinks with our nice meals. It definately hit the spot, although I felt kinda icky after having a couple sweet drinks--those Mudslides are great, especially the MUCHO Mudslides, but you can only take so much of something that tastes like a very sweet chocolate shake. And to follow it up with an Irish coffee is nice, but still a bit on the sweet side. Eh, but it was tasty. However, having nearly half of Jenny's MUCHO strawberry margarita--which had Jose Cuervo and triple sec instead of just the house margarita mix--yeah, that got me feeling a LITTLE bit of a buzz. Just enough to add to the sleepiness I was already feeling.

So by 10:30 I was ready to zonk out. I can't believe I went to bed then, but I did...however I woke up about an hour later from my roomies being loud, but then I eventually drifted back to sleep...only to wake up at 1am, wide awake! Then I did what any resposible college student would do--worked on and ended up finishing the homework I had planned to do first thing in the morning. Back in bed by 3:30 and I got up at 8:30. You'd think that with the extra sleep I got I would have been feeling awake when I smacked my alarm clock. BUT of course I felt more tired than ever and it took me another 15 min to get out of bed, which I did not have. Late to class today, but it wasn't a big deal.

And now I'm actually feeling sort of awake, which is good since I have to work on a proposal for my Eng 406 unit--it's only about one page and I email it--and I have to type up answers to some discussion questions for another class--also not too hard. I know by 5pm though I'm going to be so ready to crash...BUT I have to give Brandon a call then and see about getting together so we can have our little talk. Maybe he'll want to talk around 8pm...that'll give me a nice 2.5 hour nap :) Here's hoping at least. With the way he is, I wonder if he even will remember and be around when I call him :P Hmm, and I have to call Mandy to let her know about the weekend--she asked me to go to Madison with her and I'm thinking about it. I'd also like to stay in town so that I can go to the Down and Above concert Friday night in MN, which I would drag Jenny to ;) I suppose I had best decided soon, so I'll have to find out the details from Mandy (like if she still plans on going, etc.). Anyway, time for homework...oh joy.

Shit. I feel like complete shit. I was feeling fine until I had to have a stupid fucking conversation with Nick. That guy has the tact of a fucking totalitarian dictator trying to take over the world by force. Like it isn't e-fucking-nough that I have to deal with the issue of what to tell or not tell Mike about what happened this summer, that I have to hear it from him. Yet another guy that knows about the "mystery man" and Mike wanting to know who it is. I'm so fucking sick of this shit. And for Nick to have the fucking gall to say that he heard that the main reason Mike wants to go back out with me is to find out who the mystery man is...that's fucking low. I 99% don't believe that bullshit, 1) cuz it came from Nick, a leader in bullshitting, 2) he heard it second hand, and 3) that would be just a stupid fucking move on Mike's part and I'd like to think he has more common sense than that and 4) that would also be a very low fucking move on Mike's part and I'd like to think he has more common decency than that. But of course, the suggestion has me fucking reeling, wondering if there isn't a little bit of truth in it, only because I haven't had the time/opportunity to talk to Mike barely at all about our renewed relationship and what it means. Reguardless of any bullshit, I want to know why is it he really wants to date me again? I mean, there should be some real reasons, not just for the hell of it, otherwise what's the point? And what has changed in our relationship that convinces me it's worth it? I mean, since we had problems in the past, what has been done or will be done to stop or prevent those problems from happening again. And what about seeing other people? Has he really come to terms with that idea in that he would be alright not seeing anyone else...as in ever? And if not, then why is he with me? Buying time til someone DOES come around? Yeah, these all need to be answered, and they need to be answered soon. That Friday night when we got back together just did not cut it for conversation. This really makes me want to go home this weeekend, actually tonight, to talk about it with him, but this weekend he works every night and I also could have other plans. So...that leaves the following weekend, but if I have to wait that long I'll go nuts. I have to call him...again...tonight and talk to him. The phone is not the best method, but I really need some answers. I feel like complete shit right now. All I want to do is crawl into a little hole--doesn't help I suppose that I'm hungry and that I know I have a presentation I'm not mentally fit for right now this afternoon....I think I'm going to ask the person in charge if I can please go next week cuz I'm feeling like complete shit and we would be rushed anyway. I just can't handle it right now. I can't believe how shaken I am. It's not so much that I believe Nick, it's more that I don't have much I can say in defense of it. And that's just not right. I have to be confident in why I'm dating him, otherwise what's the fucking point? I mean, yes, I care a lot about Mike and I wouldn't mind another chance at things--but what about him? What are his motivations? I'd like to think they are all good ones, but right now I have doubts and I don't like doubts. Which is why I want them proven wrong as soon as possible. I do have faith in Mike being a good person, but even good people can make mistakes. I don't want to be a mistake, nor do I want giving him another chance to be a mistake. If the right reasons aren't there--if he can't convince me--then I am not about to let this go on. I have other things in life to worry about outside of this messed up start of a relationship. And I don't just mean other possibilities in guys, I mean I have other things other than guys that I would like to think about once in a while, you know? Sometimes they are just so much trouble it makes me wonder why I bother. Yes, there's those good moments...but what good are they when they're followed by such bad ones? This blog entry makes me feel a little better, being able to vent, since no one is around to talk to. ::sigh:: I know part of my being worked up is due to being quite tired. But I also know that there is some truth to what I'm saying and that I do deserve answers after what has passed between Mike and I. If he is not understanding of that, well the, there's my answer right there. Wish me peace and I wish you more. Later.

A new blog for a new start!

ACK!! What is happening to blogger?! This HTTP/1.1 500 Server Error is taking over, bit by bit! Soon there will be nothing left of Blogger!

a new look...many adjustments to be made if blogger will let me

writing papers is a pain in the ass. no matter how many times I say it, the teachers still don't seem to hear me, so instead of agreeing with me and saying, gee, why don't we stop assigning stupid writing assignments, they just give more. is it so difficult to make an assignment somewhat enjoyable? yes, I get to write about my own linguistic development, which means talking about myself which is cool, but why must we incorporate the stuff we had to read in articles? didn't we get enough of it from talking about it for a good couple hours in class, discussing every little point? I feel like I'm just repeating the same dang stuff. I'm trying to make it semi creative/thoughtful but of course that takes time, time I really don't feel like dedicating to an assignment that invovles drolling out stuff we already covered...So of course last night I spent more time chatting, writing emails, and overall just doing anything and everything possible to avoid this assignment so that I'm forced to take the time between classes today to finish it. I'm not sure if it's more because I really don't feel like writing it, or because when I write, I tend to be rather anal about it and am not happy until the phrasing and arrangment is JUST HOW I WANT IT, no matter if it's a short, barely thought provoking little paper or if a huge research report--what I mean is, if I take all the time I would really need to take care of all the little details I want, it would take me a super long time to write it, and I don't want to spend that much time on it, so if I purposely limit myself by leaving it for the last minute, I force myself to be short and sweet and just get it done! ::sigh:: I'm giving myself one more hour to work on it. If I'm not done by then, that's just tough cuz I have better things to do than sit here and work on it...like work on other homework I have due this afternoon :P hmmm, A procrastinator's life is never dull.

To go along with, but to sort of give a counter to Tricia's blog, I think Blaise makes a great point (Blaise is one of the lucky few who apparently likes my blog enough to have it linked to her website, which by the way I think is a lot of fun, especially with the British accent sometimes ;) ) when she says:
"I didn't feel like writing yesterday, mainly because I had a very frustrating day at work but also because I was thinking not only about the September 11 attacks and the 3,000 who died but all the other tragedies like children dying of starvation in Africa or the thousands of people killed in Eastern Europe. I wondered what it would be like if we had a silence for all of the atrocities. Would it take days, weeks or even months of silence to remember all the dead?

I’m not degrading what happened in America, in fact I still tear up when they play the seemingly endless footage from every different angle of the planes crashing into the towers. I just think we need to look at the bigger picture – at putting an end to senseless wars, trying to prevent babies and children dying from lack of food when we have so much and protecting our planet from corporate raiders who are just out to take take take…. "

I agree with the fact that it was a horrible thing to have happen, and I did take a moment to pause and think about it during my first class at 9ish on Wednesday, and talked about it a bit with some friends. I'm not a fan of the way the whole thing has been exploited by business companies making money off of "American" parafanalia or the way politicians, ::cough:: BUSH! ::cough:: use it to their advantage. AND while I think being together as a NATION Is a good thing, I think TOO MUCH Nationalism is a BAD idea for a world that is so interconnected with so many cultures needing to work together in order to at least TRY to maintain an overall peace. AND, relatively, 3000 people is not that many, I don't mean to sound cold, but think of the THOUSANDS that have died in earthquakes over in Asia and the Middle East, plus even the THOUSANDS that died just in one day at Atiedam in the Civil War. Our country SHOULD remember those who have died, BUT, we also need to move on. Keeping the country in this state of mourning and FEAR is not a good way to go about global relations, nor is it going to help our economy any. Anyways, that's what I have to say on that subject.

Okay, Saturday I went to Minneapolis to visit friends and go to the Renaissance Festival, which I must say was pretty damn cool. Later Saturday night, we went to see some local bands at Uptown Bar and Cafe and I have to say that I was sooo impressed. The first band we listened to was Track 86, and they were pretty good, the singer had a sweet range from nice singing to rocking screaming. I was pretty well blown away though when I heard the next band, Down and Above (dna for short). I know Tricia already wrote about them a little in her blog Whimsical Doodles, but this was my first time at the MN scene, so I have to write about it too. I bought their CD, and I was not at all disappointed. I mean, not only are they three good looking guys, but they all have great singing voices that they blend awesomely. Their guitar/bass riffs rock and the drummer gets some sweet beats going on. On top of that they're all great musicians who are serious about their work but seem to have a lot of fun onstage too, and they were all nice enough to take the time to sign my cd case, which was cool of them. I've seen a few local bands, and they had some definate talent, but out of all of them so far, this one takes the cake and I really hope they make it. I know there's so much competition out there it's next to impossible, but they have a really good start and it seems the determination to make it happen too. So that's why I'm plugging them here, cuz they rock and they deserve it. If there was something I could do to help them out, I would totally do it. Right now the only thing I can do is give you all the official website of Down and Above which also contains a link where you can hear some of their music. Check 'em out :)

What's there to say? I haven't read much, haven't played much. Right now I'm just trying to scrape myself together after my emotional roller coaster finally crashed into the ground. I'll let you know when I have anything intelligent to say. Until then, this blog is on hold. (cue elevator music)

Since it's been a good while, I figure I had better say something in this blog. I've been sick lately :( and my dad has needed the comp for his business stuff--I have to use my parents' comp cuz mine is still at the place getting fixed, mostly cuz I haven't had time this week to pick it up. In literary news, I almost finished that romance novel--it was pretty good, but I haven't been able to bring myself to read the epilogue for some reason now that all the happy stuff is over with. I started reading X-Wing: Bacta War, so now I'm on the 4th book in that X-Wing series. So far I'm definately a fan of it. I guess Mike was right about Stackpole being a good writer--too bad he wasn't slightly more amiable when I met him, but FASA owes him like 20,000 or something so whatever. For FFX, I'm getting pretty far I believe, but right now I'm in a sort of statis cuz I'm trying to build up some experience and buffing up my characters, plus I'm trying to collect fiends for this guy who wants me to round them up for his little practice arena or whatever he's got. Anyway, so the plot hasn't progressed for a while, making it a little boring right now, but at least my characters are starting to kick major ass. I realize I probably should have done more stealing of items earlier in the game, but with Rikku being so weak at first, I didn't want to put her in, and I didn't realize the wide variety of items you could get and how useful they were. Oh well, I could always play again sometime, although considering how long it takes, I'm thinking that's not going to happen. Other than that, nothing too too thrilling right now. It's been a pretty busy week with work at the Sal and trying to get over this stupid coughing cold. ::sigh:: Life just is never simple--but I suppose that makes it more worthwhile...but you know, just once I'd like things to go the way I hope.

Well, I can't say I have a whole lot to write about as far as my reading goes. I actually have put Star Wars on pause for a little while until I finish the book my mom lent me...I'm crossing genres :P ....and it's far from classic....it's....it's.....a romance novel....I know, I know, what am I doing reading a romance novel? But my mom said I'd like it so I decided that since she went through the trouble of borrowing it a second time from her friend just so I could read it, that I had best try it out. It's really not too bad, though sometimes I find it less believable than Star Wars :P But it's about a chick who's an author of kids books, and she has a witty sense of humor, so I can enjoy that aspect, even if I think the fact that she's a millionaire's kid who opted to forgo her inheritance after she got sick of the $....ah well. Now that I'm not having a really fun and wonderful weeekend to take up my time, I'm sure I'll be finding time to finish this book so I can get on with the X-Wing series. FFX is coming along...I'm starting to get afraid of how far I might be in the game...I always hate it when you get near the end--it's like, but I want to keep going! I'm sure I'm not quite THAT far yet, but it's not that far away I'm sure. So anyway, I'm getting tired now, so I'm out of here. Later!

...okay, so not coming super soon.....not really soon at all....more like...in a long time...like a week.....but SOMEDAY! SOMEDAY I WILL UPDATE! And perhaps one day, my ass will recover from the neverending stream of electrical burns caused by Jenny and her cattle prod.

Coming soon to a blog near you!

New, never before seen sentences!
Ultimate fonts made with state-of-the-art computer technology, curtesy of Blogger's massive, exclusive four font catalog!
Tantalize your eyes with a vivid variety of colors such as standard black and white with a spontaneous burst of light brown border--squint and you may even catch the ever elusive rare gray-blue title and headings!

Now showing at the same old blog I've had for couple months and haven't changed aside from putting new entries in whenever I've felt the urge or been jolted into updating by an electric cattle prod held by Jenny.

Done with X-Wing: Wedge's Gamble! And I really can't wait to start the next book; they really leave you hanging, although I have a basic idea of what happens since I know how things are 18 years later in the series :P I'm not sure what the next one is called, but I know it's downstairs on the bookcase almost fully dedicated to Star Wars novels. Only the bottom shelf has a few intruders from different series, but soon...yes soon...those will move to make way for the EMPIRE MWAHA HA HA....okay, maybe not. But it will be a fully Star Wars case, thanks to my brother, me, and a few random other people. ahh, I see--the next book is called...X-Wing: Krytos Trap. :) And I get 4 hours in a bus tomorrow to get a good start on it, so I'm pretty happy about that. I just hope the IMAX show we go to is better than the Dolphin one from last year. Even if it's not, there's few things better than a long bus ride and then watching a movie with the kids.....why? cuz it doesn't require running my butt off, that's why! Not that I don't mind playing with them, but sometimes it's nice to just chill--besides, we're supposed to go swimming later anyway. As far as FFX goes....man I suck at Blitzball...I lost the first one they let you play, and I've lost 2 games since--the first of those 2 optional games I scored no points...the second game I got one so it was 1-4 :( I've gotta practice or something. I know a lot of it's cuz I really suck as sports--both in real life and in video games, mostly cuz I just don't play much (mostly cuz I suck and I'm not much of a fan of them)...Point being, if I'm going to get anywhere in the blitzball tournaments, I had better sit down and just keep playing game after game cuz right now I stink at it. The rest of the game seems to be going alright--it's kinda like playing an interactive movie...a LONG movie, but it's pretty darn cool. Better wrap it up for the night--c ya!

I picked a bad time to pause my FFX game--right in the middle of a blitzball game which I have a really hard time figuring out how to deal with :P I get overwhelmed with the controls and all the commotion going on and how I can still play with things on Auto but I can use Manual if I like, but then what should I do--pass, dribble, break, shoot :P grrrr...I do like complicated games, but geez. But then I was like, well, it's after 10, maybe I should check email so I can chat with the usual suspects online. That and I felt rather antisocial sitting downstairs while my fam was upstairs--PLUS the game was frustrating me :P In other news, getting close to the end of the X-Wing book, which I must say is pretty good. I'm glad I've finally gotten around to reading those, but it makes me want to reread the books that will be coming inbetween this series too--like the Zahn trilogy, the Jedi Academy trilogy and so forth. MAYBE even Truce at Bakura and The Courtship of Princess Leia....But the thing is, there's so many books I haven't read yet, that it seems rather silly to be rereading books I have already reread. Not that I'm REQUIRED to read certain books, but I WAS hoping to get to some others on my list. Of course, I haven't gotten too far on that--haven't left the Star Wars list...::sigh:: such is the way of things, the way of the Katie ;) Yeah, I know...I like Star Wars too much...pop culture is engrained in me--1 in 10 sentences I utter can be related to a movie as a direct quote or a paraphrase :P And when I hear certain key phrases from people I can pick out what movie or show it makes me think of. Ah well, to quote a movie "check ya later" ;)

Yep Tricia, the weekend was pretty damn cool :) Now it's back to the hum drum of daily work :P As far as X-Wing: Wedge's Gamble goes, I'm about.....12 chapters in, so I haven't really gotten too far. And I haven't had much time to play FFX either--I know, it's all very sad :( Perhaps after I get done helping with Chris and Beth's house later tonight I'll have the time to chill...one can only hope for a LITTLE free time. Grrr...maybe I'll just go for an hour, yeah. Anyway, considering how diverse the topics of this blog tend to be, I wonder if it's still wise to advertise it as a "literary website" when books are just a small portion of what I blab about on here. Oh well, if you who find the time to read this don't mind, then neither do I. Besides, the description makes the site sound all smart and academic like ;) Gotta go for now, later dudes ;)

What can I say? How about, I'm really psyched about my trip to EC and MN this weekend--it'll be such a nice change of pace AND I'll have time to just chill in my car driving AND I get to hang out with some good friends :) On a literary note, I'm almost done with X-Wing: Rogue Squadron--so far I'm actually really liking the X-wing series. Maybe it just took getting to know the characters better or something. At the time in the series a few years ago, when I would have read them to be in the right sequence, I didn't feel like it cuz I wanted to know more about Han, Leia, and most of all, Luke. I really wasn't interested in some guy Micahel Stackpole made up (aka Corran Horn) and not even that much in Wedge, even though he is a cool guy. The funny thing is though, that the books I just read that come 20 some years later in the series are very much related to the X-Wing series in plot and characters, so I guess I'm doing it backwards--getting the jokes and allusions the opposite way I should have. But it's alright, I don't mind doing it the hard way. I tell you one thing though, there's nothing more frustratingly difficult than trying to explain to a 9 year old what X-Wing: Rogue Squadron has to do with the movies:

kid: Oh Star Wars! I saw the movies!
me: Oh, did you? cool--the old ones and the new ones too?
kid: yep, I saw the one with Jar Jar. He's in that book, right? (pointing to X-Wing: Rogue Squadron)
me: oh, no, this book happens waaay after that movie--called Episode 1--that you saw. It takes place a couple years after the laaast movie, you know, the old ones made about 25 years ago, that you can see on tape.
kid: so it has Jar Jar in it right?
me: no, this book is yeeeeears after that movie, so Jar Jar would probably be dead at this time
kid: is he in that book? (she points to the other book in my hand--I had both X-Wing: Rogue Squadron which I just finished today and X-Wing: Wedge's Gamble (since I just started it) in my hands)
me: no, this is the next book in the same series--it takes place right after the other book. See? (points to the label "Book 1 of the X-Wing Series" on the top of one and the label "Book 2 of the X-Wing Series" on the other book
kid: Yeah--see? it says 1 right there, so Episode 1, and then Episode 2, right?
me: no, these books aren't based on those movies, they just have some of the characters from the movies--like Princess Leia, Wedge--
kid: and Jar Jar Binks, right?
me: ::sigh::