Yeah, it's 4am and there is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't have gone to bed at 10pm tonight. EXCEPT that for once I really didn't have anything due for tomorrow, so I decided to take advantage of the time...by cleaning my room? No! By getting ahead on homework? NO! By doing chores in the apartment? NO!! By playing a game of Phase 10 with friends (including a semi-random stranger and an "emotional fuckwit") and watching a movie I've seen at least 5 times in the last couple weeks? YES!!!!!! Wow, what a wonderful guesser you are ;) Yes, I spent my free time tonight not catching up on sleep or work I should be doing, but by spending time hanging out with friends. I have to say it was a good time :) Granted, there was a down point when I talked with someone for an hour about not so pleasant things...same old story there, but after I spent a while watching Bridget Jones's Diary...again...and having a good conversation with Jenny, I really feel a lot better. So good, in fact, that I did a little cleaning when I got back here. THere's still a long way to go, but it's a start.

I need to get my life in shape, I really do. There is no excuse for all the self-pitying and wallowing in my inability to find any men that aren't fucked up in the emotional department. I have to face up to the fact that shit is going to happen, especially when trying to get to know new guys and when trying to let go of old ones. AND that some of the "problem" is my own fault. There are some things I could have prevented if I had really thought them through instead of getting caught up in the moment. Well, it's high time I "be the one behind the wheel" instead of letting my fear steer me into jumping too far too fast. Despite all the fairy tales, all the romance novels, all those wonderfully happy ending movies that I love...I AM okay on my own too :) Why am I not taking full advantage of this free time given to me? By being single, I have my whole life in my OWN hands, to decide to go and do what I please with my present, and what dreams I have for my future. And I have friends along side me, to help me on my way, and for me to help out as well. I shake my head at myself for falling into the same trap over and over of putting too much time into thinking about many things that I can't do a thing about, and dwelling on my need for romance, for love. How about my need for my life to have it's own meaning? Here's a great poem along those lines of thought, written by Longfellow in 1838:

"A Psalm of Life"

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!--
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of LIfe,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,--act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.
--- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow