Shit. I feel like complete shit. I was feeling fine until I had to have a stupid fucking conversation with Nick. That guy has the tact of a fucking totalitarian dictator trying to take over the world by force. Like it isn't e-fucking-nough that I have to deal with the issue of what to tell or not tell Mike about what happened this summer, that I have to hear it from him. Yet another guy that knows about the "mystery man" and Mike wanting to know who it is. I'm so fucking sick of this shit. And for Nick to have the fucking gall to say that he heard that the main reason Mike wants to go back out with me is to find out who the mystery man is...that's fucking low. I 99% don't believe that bullshit, 1) cuz it came from Nick, a leader in bullshitting, 2) he heard it second hand, and 3) that would be just a stupid fucking move on Mike's part and I'd like to think he has more common sense than that and 4) that would also be a very low fucking move on Mike's part and I'd like to think he has more common decency than that. But of course, the suggestion has me fucking reeling, wondering if there isn't a little bit of truth in it, only because I haven't had the time/opportunity to talk to Mike barely at all about our renewed relationship and what it means. Reguardless of any bullshit, I want to know why is it he really wants to date me again? I mean, there should be some real reasons, not just for the hell of it, otherwise what's the point? And what has changed in our relationship that convinces me it's worth it? I mean, since we had problems in the past, what has been done or will be done to stop or prevent those problems from happening again. And what about seeing other people? Has he really come to terms with that idea in that he would be alright not seeing anyone else...as in ever? And if not, then why is he with me? Buying time til someone DOES come around? Yeah, these all need to be answered, and they need to be answered soon. That Friday night when we got back together just did not cut it for conversation. This really makes me want to go home this weeekend, actually tonight, to talk about it with him, but this weekend he works every night and I also could have other plans. So...that leaves the following weekend, but if I have to wait that long I'll go nuts. I have to call him...again...tonight and talk to him. The phone is not the best method, but I really need some answers. I feel like complete shit right now. All I want to do is crawl into a little hole--doesn't help I suppose that I'm hungry and that I know I have a presentation I'm not mentally fit for right now this afternoon....I think I'm going to ask the person in charge if I can please go next week cuz I'm feeling like complete shit and we would be rushed anyway. I just can't handle it right now. I can't believe how shaken I am. It's not so much that I believe Nick, it's more that I don't have much I can say in defense of it. And that's just not right. I have to be confident in why I'm dating him, otherwise what's the fucking point? I mean, yes, I care a lot about Mike and I wouldn't mind another chance at things--but what about him? What are his motivations? I'd like to think they are all good ones, but right now I have doubts and I don't like doubts. Which is why I want them proven wrong as soon as possible. I do have faith in Mike being a good person, but even good people can make mistakes. I don't want to be a mistake, nor do I want giving him another chance to be a mistake. If the right reasons aren't there--if he can't convince me--then I am not about to let this go on. I have other things in life to worry about outside of this messed up start of a relationship. And I don't just mean other possibilities in guys, I mean I have other things other than guys that I would like to think about once in a while, you know? Sometimes they are just so much trouble it makes me wonder why I bother. Yes, there's those good moments...but what good are they when they're followed by such bad ones? This blog entry makes me feel a little better, being able to vent, since no one is around to talk to. ::sigh:: I know part of my being worked up is due to being quite tired. But I also know that there is some truth to what I'm saying and that I do deserve answers after what has passed between Mike and I. If he is not understanding of that, well the, there's my answer right there. Wish me peace and I wish you more. Later.