tonight was fun, going to Caffe Espresso and having a girls' night in watching Bridget Jones's Diary for the 10th time or so. AND....I ran into whatshisface...Mike :P But I'm proud of myself for being civil but not overly anxious. Shelly and Tricia were helpful as a calming effect. But...why did he have to lean so damn close?! damn him! to remind me of how comfy it is to hug him? grrrrr Although I can't say that would be top on my list of what I'd like to do to him...grrrrr I still have to urge to slap him. ::sigh:: I suppose that will pass in time--though it hasn't yet. At least I didn't act out my anger, even though I still had it. At the same time of course, I was genuinely curious to know what's going on in his life, even if I really don't want to hear it all. That's the paradox I guess--part of me wants to be friends with him for some good conversations....and part of me wants to kick his ass out of my life. I know which part is the smart part.

UGH....it certainly would be easier if I could fall for someone else. I'm working on it...but it's not exactly something 1) I want to rush into and 2) that I can just instantly feel something--I've realized I just don't work that way...though I admit I do feel Something for Scotty, even if I can't quite identify what it is yet. Too soon to be too serious, but strong enough to be something to consider. I just wish I wasn't so messed up still. It's really damn annoying to have these fleeting thoughts about my summer fling, Mike, other random people along the way and even stupid Brandon. Of course, it's stupid to think that I can just forget about my past either....it will always be there, just a matter of thinking in a new perspective.

And so, I have to just breath in, breath out, calm down and look forward to a call from Scotty tomorrow. If he doesn't call, well then, he doesn't call and I work from there. I have patience, but certainly little patience for someone who does not have time for me...'bout damn time I learn that ;) I guess that's one of the things that sort of dating around has taught me--you don't have to settle. Not that a person should be nitpicky and bitchy, but there's a point when you have to keep some standards. I'll have none of this dating for the sake of dating shit, nope, nah uh, not again. ....let's all just hope that all this schtuff I've been writing about I actually take to heart, hm?

On an related but different note...it's really amazing what you can learn about yourself and others from a few hours of GOOD conversation. Tricia and Shelly, you guys rock--if I was a guy or gay, I'd date ya ;) But, since I'm not and you're not...I'll just keep on enjoying chilling with the fun friends ya are;) Sorry sometimes if I get wrapped up in my own thing....I guess we're all self-absorbed sometimes. Remember to kick my ass sometimes when I need to shut up ;) hehehe Anyways, I should get some sleep. Here's hoping for a happy new year for all! :)