my mood right now can best be expressed by various Staind lyrics:

I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
the thought is too
Much to conceive
I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life became 'cause
I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made
So where were you
When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me
Just what you could do...
(Fade)

...So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way. I smoke the
whole thing to my head and feel it
Wash away 'Cause I can't take anymore
Of this, I want to come apart,
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart
'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention,
though I always try to hide
And I talk to you like children,
but I don't know how I feel
I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed...
(Epiphany)

...I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
This silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!...
(For you)"

Yeah, this is my away message tonight...Just in a crappy all around mood. I shouldn't be...but last night and today, I've just been thinking too much. Last night when I was out with Mandy, Jenni and a bunch of other friends, I saw Mike. I saw him through the window of Keeters as he, Chuck and Nate walked by. They didn't see me, I think. But I saw them, walk into Caffe Espresso next door. From then on, I was on edge all night. I couldn't help but look wherever we went to see if perhaps they went out to the bars after coffee and would walk into the same bar I was in. I knew there was a chance of it...and it had me paranoid all night. And I knew that if I actually ran into him, things would not be pretty. I have no doubt in my mind that I would have thrown my drink on him and slapped him across the face. I wouldn't say a word to him unless it was a profanity. I wish perhaps that my anger would "fade," but I can't let go of it...not yet. He hurt me very badly. And even though I know my life is probably better for it, the hurt still remains. And then to make the night worse, I ran into the second fellow to break my heart later that night. I did actually talk to him, but he was too preoccupied with friends and a video game to take much notice. I realize we're not going to have a serious convo amid so many people, but I wonder if we would have talked even if we were alone. From the conversatin I had online with him today, it seems he would just as soon forget about it. I wish I could too forget about it, but I hate things that are unresolved...I hate not knowing if there was ever anything there...

I know that it seems things with Scotty should make all this irrelevant, but honestly, I think I need to get some of these issues straightened out before I can fully appreciate starting something with Scotty. He's a REALLY great guy, and I really do hope things develop with him, but I also know not to get my hopes up too much either...I REALLY don't need to have more issues to deal with. That's not to say that I've had the WORST experiences and Oh poor me...It's just that, it's not a fun experience, and as much as I may try to deny it or forget about it, those things in my past are still there....I gotta go, be back