And I said to myself sit down...

My mind is strange sometimes. It's as though...I can feel something coming. Lately, as in the last few days, I had the song that goes "Sue me, sue, what can you do me. I love you," from Guys and Dolls in my head. I wasn't even positive it was from that musical, though I was fairly sure Nathan Detroit sings it, which he does. I found that out tonight when I was flipping through the tv stations and ran into the last couple hours of the musical. I hadn't watched it since high school--I think after we performed it freshman year at NDA, but not long after. So yeah, sure enough, here I am watching the musical and hearing the song I had in my head, thinking, hm, well isn't that a coincidence. Or maybe tv is just so predictable I knew it was coming from some sort of inlaid pattern of tv scheduling. Who knows?

I really don't know what's wrong with me lately. I think perhaps it's life catching up with me. The school year is coming on, and soon I will be back in EC, only teaching instead of being taught. Granted, I still have a lot to learn...And then after two months, it's off to London. After that, 3 weeks of touring Europe. After that? Yeah...Why am I so concerned about what comes next? Why does it keep resurfacing in my thoughts even though it's months away? ::sigh:: Major decision making time. I suppose that is it. I'm going to be making some very important decisions about my future...things that will decide what I do, where I will be, and WHO I will be and...who I will be with? Too early to think about that...or is it? This thing with Craig--I know it's a good thing. Why am I not more certain about it? I have been more certain about other guys...guys who didn't work out. Like who? Well, Brandon sticks out in my mind. Someone I had a connection with right from the start, someone I thought had some great qualities and was someone worth taking the time for. But it didn't end up that way...me being partly to blame...my impatience. "You can't hurry love." My theme song. I suppose I should remember that now. True love doesn't happen in an instant. I should know that. Who else? I did really like Ryan. You know that. But again, my impatience. I really messed that up...though somewhere inside me, I know that he's not the type who'd stay with someone like me. At least he's not completely pissed at me anymore. Losing friends can really suck. And who else? Well yeah, there's him. But, thinking back, I mean REALLY back, I didn't know I would fall for him. It took YEARS to realize my feelings for him. And it's taking me years to try to forget those feelings.

Tomorrow, well today, is his 23rd birthday. I hope he enjoys himself. ::sigh:: I never dreamed he and I would be at this point in our lives. Years ago...I thought I would marry that guy and always love him. Less than 2 years ago, I had to forget that plan...and then it was rekindled...and then forgotten...and then nearly rekindled...and snuffed out. Ugh, it's not like he was perfect. Far from it. And he's dating someone, has been for months. He must really care about her or he wouldn't bother. Maybe he's even in love. I, I can't seem to get over this curiosity--to know what's going on in his life. I guess, I want him to remain a part of my life, even if it makes it more complicated. I know, I'm dating Craig--and I meant it when I said I would do everything I could to keep from hurting him. I want to give him a chance. And I want him to keep giving me a chance. It's just, it will take more than a month of dating someone--even someone that great--to make me forget the one guy I ever truly loved. And I know that the truth is, I will never forget Mike--he'll always have that special reservation in my heart. He gave me a collection of memories...some of my happiest...and my worst...very worst. I still remember sitting on the couch with him in my living room, hearing him tell me why we cannot be together, hearing his words and seeing the tears streaming from his eyes...and feeling his soft blue jacket on my cheek...smelling his cologne...and kissing him "one last time" so I would not forget what it felt like. How could I want someone who caused me the worst pain in my life to remain in my thoughts? I am a strange breed.

Would I ever get back together with him? I'm not sure I can answer that question. I'm not sure it matters. Is there a point in life when there is no more fork in the road? No diverging path from the one I am on? Would I even have the strength to take the road of the unseen instead of the familiar one? I don't know. And what about him? Would he have the strength and humility to come back--to take the difficult way? Or would he think that way is too impossible for him? Does it matter? Probably not...he has a girl. She's probably a very nice person. Probably someone who will play games with him. Someone who will be the adventurous, sexy, mysterious, smart-ass companion he's always wanted. Should I be sad about that? Should? no. I SHOULD be very happy for him, and happy for me as well, know that then I can finally move on. Can I? What about that stupid lab rat program that's still running? Yeah...I think that rat will always be there, even when I'm happily married with 2.4 kids and a cat and dog and enjoying a wonderful career and friends and family and it's all good...even then...there will a memory of something long ago that was wonderful and sad. I'm so pathetic. But resilient! oh yes, resilient. But, he's my friend. And I'm thankful for that. And I really am glad that he's happy. But if he ever changes his mind, I hope he would tell me...shyeah, right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt. Like he's going to want to retrace his steps and join me on my path to the future...a path that would make him "moderately happy." But..what about what he said? What about him dating others and finding out the truth, finding out what it is like...and then...? Welcome to real life! It doesn't really happen like that. A guy doesn't break up with a girl (repeatedly) and then after dating others think, hm, she really WAS great, how about I just try it again? That's the thing of fairy tales..and what a MESSED UP tale it would be.

Yeah, for all of my education and experience, I know rocks smarter than I am when it comes to love. Sorry to babble on like this. It's just all been on my mind lately. And as I was saying earlier, I think it's because the summer is coming to a close and soon I will have to choose. Once I finish college in December, will I stay a while in GB? Will I move down to Madison? or will I choose Minneapolis? I know which one has the most pull for me...but I can't deny that the other places are pulling me too. If I leave GB,what about my family? and what about...it's like saying...I give up. Giving up would probably be the best thing for me. But I hate giving up. And what about Madison? If Craig is going to school there, wouldn't being in the area give us the best chance? ...and what about my other needs? Minneapolis is where my friends are, my alternate family...the people I CHOOSE to love. Wouldn't it be about time someone chose to be with me instead of the other way around? Why can't he...whoever he is...come be with me? If I am still with Craig, wouldn't it be good for him to have his college experience without my interferance? And me? Shouldn't I go where my future is brightest? OH the confusion :( Months away, I must remind myself.

Please, do not think less of me for this spewing forth of whimpering thoughts and feelings. I just...I had to get it out. I'm not THAT messed up, believe me. I'm just uncertain. And that's okay, simply more complicated. Rest assured, no matter what the future brings: I will not settle. I'll not be brushed aside, misused, complacent, apathetic, or taken for granted, nor will I sacrifice the things I know in my heart I SHOULD be doing with my life for the things on the "quick and easy path." Maybe I am less trying to convince and more trying to remind myself. At least I can rest easier tonight knowing I can trust friends to find some grain of sense from my ramblings and either give me an ear or a swift kick in the rear--whichever seems healthier at the time ;)