Disclaimer: No, I am NOT on crack

Tonight I saw Pirates of the Caribbean for the 4th time...yes, the 4th time. Each time I saw it with a different person and it was a different experience. This evening the showing included my friends Shelly and Amy, both of whom I had not seen for a while--especially Shelly. They both thought I was insane for going a fourth time, knowing I have now spent a grand total of...$24 on this movie (it would be $32 but Joe paid for one). Of course, I didn't tell them it was my fourth time til we were sitting down watching the previews. Both turned their heads and looked at me incredulously, saying a bit too loudly, "This is your FOURTH TIME?!" making me feel rather self-conscious, but I stand by my reasons for going again. For one, I wanted to get out of the house and go somewhere. For another, movie popcorn sounded good. And for more, I still don't have some of the lines down and thought it might be nice to work on that ;) Mostly, I just enjoy the movie a lot and I was looking forward to seeing it with two people who haven't seen it and checking out their reactions to it. Especially considering how they totally ripped apart Dungeons and Dragons when we watched my DVD of it...I tried to explain to them that I knew it was fairly lame, but still amusing to watch...but they were very much not impressed. So I was glad to be able to share another movie with them, which to my great satisfaction, they loved :) I'm sure they won't be buying it or running out to see it again, but they really did like it, and that's enough for me.

Afterwards, we chilled at Amy's and looked at her professional pictures from her and Geoff's wedding last August and some other pictures they took on their recent honeymoon in the Dominican Republic--looks like a beautiful place to visit...a lot greener than Aruba. Now it's after 2am, and I have to get up at 5am...bleah...but it was worth it to spend some quality time with good friends. I had best get going though. Later ;)

Poetry in motion...or inbetween motions

Lately while at work I've taken to writing lines of poetry and prose on pieces of scrap paper. It's my poor attempt at making up for all the weeks I've slacked off when it comes to my writing. There's no complete poem or story yet, but I have a pretty good start on a couple things. Speaking of good starts, it seems that Craig and I have a good start on a relationship. As of Sunday evening, I guess he and I are official so I can call him my boyfriend I suppose. Seems rather weird, especially since we've only been dating for a couple weeks and I've known him for a couple months. This last year was all casual dating with no committment whatsoever...but then again, where did that get me? In the words of Incubus, "Nowhere Fast." No idea yet what may come of this development, but thus far he seems like a welcome change from the much more self-absorbed fellows that barely gave me a chance. Or from the ones that have seem to have no clue what they want aside from wanting to screw with your feelings. I think I've had enough of emotional fuckwits--it's time we beat them!!! grrr...dude, Tricia, we so have to work on our blog. I'll see what I can do this week...I tried to start something last weekend and I even had an idea....but somehow the weekend and then a week just all disappeared until it became today and nothing ever got written. ::sigh:: Oh well. I better head to bed...sometimes working 1st shift really sucks...like when I get up at 5am, yeah, that's when it really sucks.

This looked fun

Mr. Tyler Knott has what I believe to be an amusing little blog entry. You must use the song titles of bands you love to answer these questions:

INCUBUS

1. Are you male or female?: "Deep Inside"
2. Describe yourself: "You Will Be a Hot Dancer"
3. How do some people feel about you?: "Nice to Know You"
4. How do you feel about yourself?: "Redefine"
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: "Summer Romance"
6. Where would you rather be?: "Mexico" or "Under My Umbrella"
7. Describe what you want to be: "Stellar"
8. Describe how you live: "Speak Free"
9. Describe how you love: "Circles"
10. Share a few words of wisdom: "Make Yourself"

Personally, I think Incubus's songs work the best for this project. The only difficult one was "male or female"...I did what I could....forgive my graphic choice ;)

DOWN AND ABOVE (dna)

1. Are you male or female?: "Candycane"
2. Describe yourself: "Lost"
3. How do some people feel about you?: "Need"
4. How do you feel about yourself?: "Struggle with the Daylight"
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: "Paint a Picture"
6. Where would you rather be?: "Montana"
7. Describe what you want to be: "Rain"
8. Describe how you live: "Completely"
9. Describe how you love: "Break My Heart"
10. Share a few words of wisdom: "Jubba Trees"

Yeah, it's pretty hard to use dna for this...when they don't have many songs out and some of them have interesting titles...

BLINK 182

1. Are you male or female?: "Peggy Sue"
2. Describe yourself: "Pathetic"
3. How do some people feel about you?: "Aliens Exist"
4. How do you feel about yourself?: "Enthused"
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: "A New Hope"
6. Where would you rather be?: "Going Away to College"
7. Describe what you want to be: "The Rock Show"
8. Describe how you live: "Boring"
9. Describe how you love: "Everytime I Look for You"
10. Share a few words of wisdom: "All the Small Things"

Blink had more choices, and so it worked well I think, though not quite as creative as some of my other ones.

LISA LOEB

1. Are you male or female?: "Lisa Listen"
2. Describe yourself: "Wishing Heart"
3. How do some people feel about you?: "Dance with the Angels"
4. How do you feel about yourself?: "Furious Rose"
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: "Falling in Love"
6. Where would you rather be?: "Garden of Delights"
7. Describe what you want to be: "Firecracker"
8. Describe how you live: "Truthfully"
9. Describe how you love: "When All the Stars Were Falling"
10. Share a few words of wisdom: "Stay"

Lisa Loeb had quite a few choices, problem was that some of these are interchangeable and I had a hard time deciding. I thought maybe I should stop after this one though, cuz more than this would just be silly...and I'm tired. Feel free to try this out too :)

Clarity, my friend, CLARITY

Okay, sorry my last couple posts have been cryptic...but then again, look at the time I wrote them. The one about being a fighter--well, there's not a lot of explanation to go with that one. I was just introspective, thinking about the decisions I've made and the way I act, especially in my interactions with other people. And I was thinking about my past, the last few years that have been so tumultuous. And things I have said...are the same things still worth fighting for? I don't know. Should they be? Maybe some things should be let go. Even so, I know who I am, and how I am and that means understanding that there's some things about me that will not change, even if circumstances do. Oh, I adjust, I adapt, I move on, and I do quite well...but that does not mean I forget. As I said, I'm a fighter, though I may not always show it. When I run into a problem, an obstacle, I just keep at it until I get past it...or really mess up--either way :P Point is, my heart is the same way. It fights for what it wants, no matter how impossible, no matter how much it hurts. Which is of course why I keep going and going. Resilient, Tricia said, and that may be right, at least in that respect. I seem to be able to take a lot of shit :P But I still keep going, keep looking for something. I once had it, I once experienced it. At least I can take heart in that. Whether or not I will ever find what I'm looking for, whether I will ever experience love again...I don't know. It would probably help if I knew where to look--I seem to have problems with that. Will the dating I've been doing in the last couple years get me closer to it? Probably not, but it has shown me where NOT to look..well, okay, maybe I'm still learning, but old habits and feelings die hard. How about things with Craig? Too early to tell. He's a great guy and I'm happy to be hanging out with him and getting to know him better. Nothing official has been said, but we're basically dating. The fact that he's 3 years younger is a little unnerving sometimes, but as I said, he's more mature than guys older than him...and I know age doesn't mean jack. I think there's a connection between us and if I didn't feel something, I wouldn't bother at all, but experience points out a long road ahead and no end to the game in sight.

That brings up my other point to clarify. As for the previous entry about "the game," I was referring to the events of last night. Last night after work, I got together with friends and coworkers Mary and Craig, and Joe joined us as well. Joe was told about the fact I am dating Craig last night on the phone while I was driving home--I don't remember how it got brought up, but I knew I'd have to tell Joe about him eventually anyway. Originally it was supposed to be just Joe and I hanging out last night, but I knew I wouldn't be seeing Mary for a while, so I wanted to chill with her too (plus sometimes hanging out with Joe one-on-one is unnerving). Then after I got home and had plans with Mary and Joe, I called Craig back and found out he wanted to get together too. Well, I figured the more the merrier, plus I'm a fan of interesting group dynamics ;) The four of us met at Caffe Espresso and the real fun began. In a smart move on my part, I drove Craig to Espresso so that I could do some debriefing (well, it wasn't my purpose when I set out, but it worked out well that way). I warned Craig that Joe might give him a bit of the cold shoulder. I tried explaining that he's just not always overly social, especially around other guys. Sure enough, Joe had a good time poking some fun at Craig. Granted, Joe will do that to pretty much anyone, but I know him well enough to see right through to the meaning behind his words. Perhaps it was asking a bit much to put Joe in that position, but then again, I've never hesitated to tell Joe about guys I'm interested in or seeing, and I'm not about to baby him about it. I mean, Joe is a mature guy who's been through a lot, so I know that he'll be fine about this too. I have never in all the time I have known Joe given him any reason to think there will be anything more than a friendship. I have told him point blank that I will not date him. Not that he's asked me, it was more that the topic would be brought up in a round about way now and then. And so, if Joe was feeling at all slighted or jealous, it was not my fault since I have never led him on. But part of me still feels a bit guilty because I know what it is like being in his shoes. Unrequited love is a real pain in the ass. Not that I am making any assumptions and all that--I'm just giving my impression of the situation...I know I'm not a mind reader. Joe is a really good guy and a very thoughtful and wonderful friend, and I hope he remains so. Someday he'll find someone who can appreciate him in a way that I cannot. Before he left last night, I know there was something he wanted to say, and I tried to make him feel comfortable enough to say something...but I understand why he said nothing. Sometimes it's just easier to read the silence. I knew what he meant and he knew what I meant, and that was all that was needed. The next time we hang out, the tension will be all but gone and things can get back to happy normal.

Does that clear things up a bit? Maybe it makes things more confusing. Oh well. On a completely different topic, work was really lame today. Just thought I'd mention that. Now it's time to crash. Gotta get up early tomorrow to make cupcakes....don't ask :P

In the game there are always losers

Yeah, this game, this friggen messed up game of life and love. Things are going alright for me, but things going alright for me mean things aren't going as right for someone else. I won't pretend to be the source of someone's happiness, but I know there may have been some hope...and part of me cries out "That's wrong!" whenever I do anything to hurt that bit of hope. I know it's not my fault, it's just the way the game is played. You can't help who you like anymore than anyone else can help who they like. Life is messed up and follows no guidelines for fair play. All one can do is try to be as fair and truthful as possible...and there are some who refuse to even do that courtesy. I can cushion it all I want, but in the end it still ends up that my happiness means someone else's grief. All of it made worse by the awareness of how it is to be grieved by someone else's happiness. Ah yes, the joy of the game. Play on. Play on.

You gotta fight for your right...

Am I a fighter? I've always thought so, but I wonder...maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just a big pushover about everything. Things don't go my way? Oh well, on to the next thing. Or do I stand up for my "rights?" I guess it depends what the fight is about. I can fight with words (though I'm not always the quickest wit nor the most logical debater) and manage fairly well. I'm definitely not a physical fighter, except maybe a little rough-housing or wrestling in the pool, or a playful whack now and then, but I try to avoid doing any real damage at all costs. The idea of hurting someone else just isn't part of my mental process. Oh, I'd fight hard and dirty if it meant saving someone's life or defending myself. I guess that's part of why I don't fight so often in the figurative sense either. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I tend to be a peace-loving type person. Like Vash the Stampede..."Love and peace! Love and peace!" And I fight for the things I believe in, even if I'm not very proactive. I don't stand for people making fun of others (something learned from my wonderful years in grade school). I chastise the smokers I know or meet (gotta fight lung cancer and second hand smoke crap). I have VERY low tolderance for intolerance (whether from ignorance or blatant bias or hate). And I fight for the people I love. I don't give up on them. Even when they do foolish things or mistreat me or go their separate ways...I still love them and will always fight for them. So maybe I'd get my ass kicked in a wrestling match, be made a fool in an argument, or sadly watch the violence or abuse on tv without going out and fighting for the cause....but there's fighter in me yet--I mean, what do you expect from someone who's roughly 1/3 Irish? And I can always learn to be more aggressive, more adventurous, more passionate. Hang on to your shamrocks cuz I'm a comin out fightin!

That's interesting...very interesting

Had a date last night. It went well. And he likes me. And, as luck would have it, I just might like him too. Strange, hm? I think so. Oh, and thankfully, he doesn't have a messed up name like "Mike" or "Matt" or any others that may not be named. Not sure where this is headed, but then, I never am. The weird part is, I have more confidence in this guy than I have for pretty much any other guy I've met in the last year. And this is just sort of coming out of nowhere. He's supposed to call sometime either today or tomorrow, and we'll probably chill tomorrow evening. The whole thing makes me a little nervous though. And the reason for it isn't what I thought it would be. Let me explain:

Okay, this guy is three years younger than me. He'll be a sophomore in college while I'll be graduating in a semester. So that means he's not 21 and I have a few years of life experience under my belt that he does not. While that does worry me just a little, since I have had to learn a thing or two about relationships and such, it's not that big a concern to me. What is a concern is how similar this whole thing feels. Quite honestly, I haven't experienced something like this since I first started dating Mike. There's the fact that we knew each other a while before going out on a date (granted, only a couple months). There's the fact that he had a bit of a crush on me after hanging out with me a bit. There's the friendly, sarcastic, slightly-insulting, good-humored banter. There's the nervous chatting in the Perkins parking lot. And there's the honesty and openness about thoughts and feelings without fear of embarassment. This guy...he seems so genuine...that it scares me. But...it also takes me back. It makes me feel like I did way back in the summer before freshman year of college. Just so...innocent, carefree, and optimistic. Almost enough to forget about those 4 years inbetween that changed who I am. But all those years haven't REALLY changed me. They may have changed some of my behaviors, some of my outlooks, but I'm STILL the same person I was when I looked wide-eyed at my room in Govenors Hall. The same, I think, cannot be said for Mike. He may SEEM the same sometimes...but he is not. The innocence he had, the honest and genuine face I once looked into and saw pure love reflected back...that is gone. What remains is an emptier shell--someone who feels like he's finally found what he wants in life...when in truth he cannot FEEL enough to really know it anymore. I may not know him as well as I used to, but I understand him well enough to be disappointed in who he has become. I hope to never have to feel that disappointment in someone again.

Anyway, I just had too many thoughts on my mind to hold them in. Tonight is girls night out and time to forget. A pearl to any kindly gentleman that buys me a drink (rum er otherwise ;)

I invoke the right of parley!

I think I've officially met my quota for seeing Pirates of the Caribbean this week. But you know what they say, third time's a charm. Well, actually I think the first time was the best time, but each time let me concentrate on something different and the company was always enjoyable. However, it has crossed my mind that perhaps seeing the same pirate movie three times in six days may be having an effect on me. Check out this email I wrote to me mateys...

Ahoy mateys!
Indigo, arrrg. A fine color she be. I been a-thinkin about those weekends in August ye mentioned afore, and I'm inclinin to agree with ye. The first weekend mightent work best, since I will more'n likely workin 1st shift that week. But be ye warned: any o ye scabberous dogs attempts to commandere (nautical term) me first mate Tricia's futon (or whichever sleeping accommodation is available and most pleasant at Tricia's place--grantin that I be welcome) that weekend will be walkin the plank...with nigh a drop o rum in sight. Savvy? Otherwise, I tell ye I be disinclined to acquiesce to your request.


And remember: The man that did the sleepin be having a drink bought by the man that did the waking, while the man that did the sleepin be listenin to a proposition from the man that did the wakin.
(if that's not right, it's dang close...so it'll do for now, ye land-lover :P)

Oh well, at least Joe paid for one of the tickets, so I only spent an arm and like, a foot, not an arm and a leg. Bleah, theaters are too dang expensive :P But I, like the cod-livered dog I be, cough up the dough every time a flick tickles me fancy. ::sigh:: Whew, it be nigh on 3rd watch...time to be goin. May'n the night bring ye fair winds and sweet dreams.

My mast is bigger than your mast

Guess I'm stuck in the pirate motif for a bit. However, given the absurdly huge amount of comments on the previous entry, I decided it was time to write a NEW entry. Not quite sure what I'm going to write about yet. How about...OH, well, work this week has been weird. Monday I called in sick, cuz I really didn't feel like going to work. Today I went in for 6am-3pm, but spent the whole day at the "taper"...which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. I stood by a machine folding and feeding boxes in one by one to the taper to get--you guessed it--taped shut. Yippee. My heart is still a-flutter from all the adventure. Tomorrow is silly. One of the other summer help employees asked to switch shifts with me, so now I work 3pm-12am tomorrow...only to have to wake up to work at 6am-3pm Thursday. Joy. Sometimes I'm too nice. At least maybe she'd be willing to switch with me sometime then, possibly, if I for some reason would need to switch...which I doubt. But you gotta keep your options open.

What else is new? Not a whole heck of a lot. I hung out with Joe tonight--he made me a nice pasta dinner (I helped) and we went to see Pirates of the Caribbean since he had not seen it. I know, I know. But I'm STILL ready and willing to see it with Tricia this weekend when she comes to GB :) One can never have enough Orlando...or enough rum. Oh, and don't be silly thinking that a hottie is the only reason why I like the movie. In fact, I have to concur with Jenni when she says that Johnny Depp does a fantastic job and his scenes really steal the show. Although, I have to say that Mr. Bloom does well convincing me he can handle a sword, or two. Anyway, I really don't have much else to say at this time. So...move along. Move along.

Orlando, Will you be me matey?

Wow, Pirates of the Caribbean rocked! After the first 20 minutes, I was totally enraptured, ready to fly out and by the DVD as soon as it is released. It may not have a ton of depth, but it just didn't need it! There was action galore! Awesome fighting hotties! And pirates! And a character who was very...Charlotte Doyle like. I felt good watching it and the feeling has stuck with me all night :) And not even running into ex-Mike at the movie theater could stun me. In fact, we chatted a bit while he was waiting for Mahoney and Rachel to show up (they were all going to see POTC for the 9:25 showing) and it was all nice and friendly, and I think I looked pretty good too. Top the night off with Caffe Espresso and some good conversation with my friend Mary from work, and it's just been a good night :) Aye, me mateys, twas a good time spent, and that Orlando Bloom was the finest hottie in these isles!

On a completely different note

I have updated my webpage once more! Now there are not only photos (of which there are more to come...so much to do, so little time) but there are also drawings! Yes, drawings! I am not an artist and will never claim to be one (unless someone pays me to). However! I do like to dabble with sketching now and then when the mood strikes me...luckily for the world, that means maybe once or twice a year.

Another one bites the dust

I hate men. I can't abide them even now and then. Okay, that's not true, apparently I can abide them now and then, which is why I keep getting burned. Mike Z. talked to me online tonight, and when I talked about coming to Madison to visit, we ended up talking about our "relationship"...which led to him being "honest" and telling me that he wants to just be friends. He tried giving it a chance, but he feels something was missing...this being AFTER our fun weekend together. I am SO glad I didn't do anything I'd really regret. Still, it's disappointing. I knew it was a fat chance of anything working out, but I had sort of hoped it might.

Honestly, I am just really sick of this sort of shit. I've been dating fairly casually, from Matt during the school year to Mike Z. this summer, and all it's ended up doing is annoying the hell out of me. Thankfully, my heart has not become much involved, so it's not something I feel like crying over. It's more...the principle of the thing. I can't seem to get past THAT point. There's this point in a budding relationship...I can't cross over. Ever since ex-Mike, it's been failure after failure...any attempt to get over that point crashes and burns...like me trying to land the damn jet on the old Top Gun Nintendo game...stupid aircraft carrier.

::sigh:: Well, my summer has just become all that more boring. But you know what? I've survived before, and I'll survive again. It'd be nice to meet someone who could think of me seriously though. Until that miracle man decides to get up off his ass and meet me though, I think I'm going to try to have some more fabulous times with my friends, organize my room and life, and read some Harry Potter :)

Sorry for the negative tones in this entry, but hey, I can't be all smiles all the time...that would just get obnoxious. Not that my complaing about this guy or that guy doesn't get annoying, but hey, tell that to the stupid guys out there ;) For now, it's time to pop in a soothing movie and try to calm my mind down before bedtime. Later!

Productive and Silly

I stayed up til 5am working on my webpage. Yeah, that's just plain silly. But then, I worked til 12am AND I went out to Perkins afterwards and enjoyed company and 4 cups of coffee...so I'm simply not tired yet. Plus the fact that I haven't worked on my webpage was bothering me. So...check out my webpage by clicking on this wonderful link OR use my brand-spankin new permanent link to my webpage in the left-hand column of this blog :)

A Tree Grows in My Front Yard

And coincidently, a tree grows in my backyard too. Actually there's a couple in the front AND back. A silver maple and a blue spruce in front (ooh, come to think of it, that's a nice color combo...not that they are really "silver" or "blue") and a couple...um, other trees in back. There used to be a crabapple tree in the back too, but we wanted more sunlight back there and we got sick of picking up the crabapples and dealing with the plethora of wasps that buzzed around the myriad little pink blossoms. But that's beside the point.

Tonight I got out of work early so, like any good English major, I spent it watching anime and comedy TV shows. My mother found a copy of the new Harry Potter book to borrow, so I'm sure I could technically swipe it from her at night when I'm done with work and she is sleeping. However, I told myself I would reread books 3 & 4 (or at least skim them) before I started the new book. Problem is...I don't have so much motivation to read books I've already read. Plus, I haven't been in a big Harry Potter mood lately. Frankly, I'd much rather read the next book in the Dark Elf series by R. A. Salvatore...if only it'd be released soon. BUT of course, it's not--I just checked the Wizard product listing and there it is WAAAAAAY down on the list, 7th from the bottom: The Lone Drow to be released in October :P Granted, the last one came out last October, so it's only a year inbetween so it could be much worse. Still, I like his dark elf books so much and Drizzt is pretty much my favorite literary character. This pic is about the best one out there of him. It'd be nice if there was more than one decent pic--the other renditions (pretty much all from bookcovers) just don't seem to coincide with my impressions of him from the novels. They make him look ultra fierce which I do understand, I mean, he's a ranger and a very good swordsman who usually acts fairly stoic, but he does still have emotions and is more than just a sword-wielding, buff-looking dark elf. And, dark elf or not, I tend to think of elves as a bit more delicate than that. Maybe not as delicate as one like Legolas, but he should at least SEEM light enough to run on the snow (something Drizzt does in one of the later novels--can't think of which one offhand...actually it might be Sea of Swords which Bastard Mike has not yet returned to me--anyway, yeah, Drizzt runs on the snow while the rest of his friends trudge through several feet of snow just like Legolas does on Caradhras [had to look up that one] in Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring).

You know, at this point, I'm not really sure where I was going with any of this. It could be I was going to talk about my day at work and I merely got sidetracked with an excedingly long introduction and then an explanation. Then again, maybe it was my intention all along, you know, using the wonderful writer's technique of "writing off the subject"--writing about something other than what's on your mind so that really what IS on your mind will probably show through without being as overtly obvious and not-so-exciting as it would if you actually tried writing ON the subject. Or maybe I'm just tired and felt like writing about something other than current events, especially since current events aren't that thrilling to those not involved. Well, there are more things to talk about from the weekend, but I just can't bring myself to write about anything so...obvious, yeah, that's it. Alright, I think I've had enough babbling for one night. Just remember, the chips may run out...but there's always more salsa.

We'll be dancin, and singin, and groovin to the music

Yep, this weekend was a ton o fun :) Though Thursday was quite long, I had a great time dressing up all naughty school girl like and gettin a grove on at Ground Zero. My outfit wasn't quite skanky...more like...rather suggestive. Anyways, the atmosphere was unique but not intimidating and we had a fun time dancing and drinking. I had a bit too much, but at least I didn't end up slung over the toilet--what can I say, I have a "stomach of steel!!!" Friday we watched the fireworks which were a blast--get it? blast! mwa ha ha ha ha! Add in a few movies, yummy food, time with Tricia and Jenny and there's a good weekend :) I'd get into more detail, but I gotta fly. Later ;)

4th Time's a Charm

Holiday weekend starting tomorrow at 4pm :) Working a 10 hour day is going to suck (yet again) tomorrow, but it'll be worth it if it prevented me from working Saturday. Tomorrow after work it's time to hit the road for a weekend adventure in the wilds of MN. Oh, and I mean WILD--not like a hockey team, we're talking...crazy stuff. Okay, probably not that crazy, but perhaps working 10 hours, then driving 5 hours, proceeded by drinking, dancing and dominatrix encountering at the club Ground Zero is a tad insane...but I think I'll survive. As for the rest of the weekend, I figure: No plans + Groovy Friends = Unlimited possibility for good times. And yes, I DID think of that myself :P Have a fun and safe 4th of July!!! And play with sparklers! Sparklers rock!