Clarity, my friend, CLARITY

Okay, sorry my last couple posts have been cryptic...but then again, look at the time I wrote them. The one about being a fighter--well, there's not a lot of explanation to go with that one. I was just introspective, thinking about the decisions I've made and the way I act, especially in my interactions with other people. And I was thinking about my past, the last few years that have been so tumultuous. And things I have said...are the same things still worth fighting for? I don't know. Should they be? Maybe some things should be let go. Even so, I know who I am, and how I am and that means understanding that there's some things about me that will not change, even if circumstances do. Oh, I adjust, I adapt, I move on, and I do quite well...but that does not mean I forget. As I said, I'm a fighter, though I may not always show it. When I run into a problem, an obstacle, I just keep at it until I get past it...or really mess up--either way :P Point is, my heart is the same way. It fights for what it wants, no matter how impossible, no matter how much it hurts. Which is of course why I keep going and going. Resilient, Tricia said, and that may be right, at least in that respect. I seem to be able to take a lot of shit :P But I still keep going, keep looking for something. I once had it, I once experienced it. At least I can take heart in that. Whether or not I will ever find what I'm looking for, whether I will ever experience love again...I don't know. It would probably help if I knew where to look--I seem to have problems with that. Will the dating I've been doing in the last couple years get me closer to it? Probably not, but it has shown me where NOT to look..well, okay, maybe I'm still learning, but old habits and feelings die hard. How about things with Craig? Too early to tell. He's a great guy and I'm happy to be hanging out with him and getting to know him better. Nothing official has been said, but we're basically dating. The fact that he's 3 years younger is a little unnerving sometimes, but as I said, he's more mature than guys older than him...and I know age doesn't mean jack. I think there's a connection between us and if I didn't feel something, I wouldn't bother at all, but experience points out a long road ahead and no end to the game in sight.

That brings up my other point to clarify. As for the previous entry about "the game," I was referring to the events of last night. Last night after work, I got together with friends and coworkers Mary and Craig, and Joe joined us as well. Joe was told about the fact I am dating Craig last night on the phone while I was driving home--I don't remember how it got brought up, but I knew I'd have to tell Joe about him eventually anyway. Originally it was supposed to be just Joe and I hanging out last night, but I knew I wouldn't be seeing Mary for a while, so I wanted to chill with her too (plus sometimes hanging out with Joe one-on-one is unnerving). Then after I got home and had plans with Mary and Joe, I called Craig back and found out he wanted to get together too. Well, I figured the more the merrier, plus I'm a fan of interesting group dynamics ;) The four of us met at Caffe Espresso and the real fun began. In a smart move on my part, I drove Craig to Espresso so that I could do some debriefing (well, it wasn't my purpose when I set out, but it worked out well that way). I warned Craig that Joe might give him a bit of the cold shoulder. I tried explaining that he's just not always overly social, especially around other guys. Sure enough, Joe had a good time poking some fun at Craig. Granted, Joe will do that to pretty much anyone, but I know him well enough to see right through to the meaning behind his words. Perhaps it was asking a bit much to put Joe in that position, but then again, I've never hesitated to tell Joe about guys I'm interested in or seeing, and I'm not about to baby him about it. I mean, Joe is a mature guy who's been through a lot, so I know that he'll be fine about this too. I have never in all the time I have known Joe given him any reason to think there will be anything more than a friendship. I have told him point blank that I will not date him. Not that he's asked me, it was more that the topic would be brought up in a round about way now and then. And so, if Joe was feeling at all slighted or jealous, it was not my fault since I have never led him on. But part of me still feels a bit guilty because I know what it is like being in his shoes. Unrequited love is a real pain in the ass. Not that I am making any assumptions and all that--I'm just giving my impression of the situation...I know I'm not a mind reader. Joe is a really good guy and a very thoughtful and wonderful friend, and I hope he remains so. Someday he'll find someone who can appreciate him in a way that I cannot. Before he left last night, I know there was something he wanted to say, and I tried to make him feel comfortable enough to say something...but I understand why he said nothing. Sometimes it's just easier to read the silence. I knew what he meant and he knew what I meant, and that was all that was needed. The next time we hang out, the tension will be all but gone and things can get back to happy normal.

Does that clear things up a bit? Maybe it makes things more confusing. Oh well. On a completely different topic, work was really lame today. Just thought I'd mention that. Now it's time to crash. Gotta get up early tomorrow to make cupcakes....don't ask :P