As a part of Emotional Fuckwits Awareness Week, I bring you:

Top Ten Attributes of a True "Nice Guy"

10. Helps out in the commuinity.
9. Good to the environment.
8. Remembers others' birthdays, anniversarries, special occasions.
7. Tries to spends less on himself than on others.
6. Gentle and friendly with animals
5. Kind with strangers.
4. Has a few good close friends.
3. Takes time for his family.
2. Keeps his word to the best of his ability.
1. Speaks and listens earnestly.

Ordinary World

A hum-drum Tuesday, with not much to say about it. I had a paper due today, so I stayed up til 8:50am working on it, took a short nap and handed it in for my 11am class. I know, I know, not the smartest move, but it was really some boring-ass writing that I had to do and it took me forever to get in the mood to actually write it. So I'm going on about 45 min of sleep, but I actually feel pretty good, aside from the sensation that my eyes are glazing over, coat by cloudy coat, with every passing minute. It probably doesn't help that I'm wearing my contacts. ::sigh:: Anyway, only one more class before naptime, so I can't complain too much. I got the paper in, got the fax I was expecting, had a smoothie, and replied to a really nice short/sweet email I got from Matt this morning. Yep, I'm still talking and hanging out with that guy I mentioned a few posts ago, when I was all tense about going to lunch with him considering my feelings for emotional-fuckwit-Mike. At the risk of sounding lame (not unusual, I know), I will tell you a few thoughts about him. Matt's really quite a nice guy and has made a point of emailing, calling, and making plans with me for the last couple weeks. Strange how something so random as me blurting out "Anyone want to go to V-ball?" at a group meeting can have an effect. I'm hoping to hang out with him sometime this week, but with his busy schedule with coaching, playing soccer, doing the class thing, family and now that he started a new job at Kohl's, it might be a challenge. But then again, I'm up for a challenge ;) I'm rather enjoying this game of chase that is on. I'm both consciously and unconsciously being pretty cautious about the whole thing. Last thing I need right now is another emotional fuckwit in my life, and though he has not yet proven to be one nor does he show signs of one, I know first hand just how tricky and sneaky those emotional fuckwits are about showing themselves in seemingly normal guys. For now, he's fun to hang out with and he has some potential. We're just very casually seeing each other, and that's good. I'm still focussing elsewhere in my life, trying to get my academics, hobbies, health and whatnot all together. Speaking of academics, better jet to class. See ya ;)

Guess what kids--it's time for another edition of:
Katie's Random Advice Post (KRAP)!

Today's KRAP is brought to you by the letters F, U, and C, and by the greek symbol kappa or K.

As brought on by recent events and a discussion with a close friend, I have come to the realization that I give the middle finger quite often. Now, I know most people will admit to flipping the occasional bird here and there, but there comes a point when it becomes more than just a symbolic representation of the phrase "Fuck you!"--when it becomes...an addiction. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am addicted to flicking off. The following blog entry is dedicated to finding the source and then perhaps figuring out the cure for this addiction--remember, this may one day save you or your friend from this debilitating problem.

Tracing back the origins of this "problem," I find that much of this phenomenon relates to my childhood. Some sources (like...myself) might claim that I was born into this addiction--due to being really pissed off at the doctors from ripping me from my warm secure home and throwing me into this cold cruel world for which I duly showed the doctors and nurses that I was a fast learner and already knew how to count to one...ooOoo. How precious. However, it is ever more likely that my brothers, in particular my brother Scott, who first introduced me to this life-affecting habit.

Yes, my own older brother, 5+ years my senior, corrupted his sweet and innocent little sister. Aside from the choice words my parents (especially my dad) would spout out in frustration or anger now and then, my brothers' language most effectively influenced my own. It is due to him that I sometimes say "No." to questions or questions that are thinly veiled commands in a cocky, I-want-to-annoy-you manner with a smirk.
Example:
Mom: Katie, do you want to mop the floor for me?
Me: No.
Mom: (gives me a look)
Me: (smirks)
Mom: (sighs) Katie, mop the floor.
Me: Oh, okay. (smirking even bigger)

Incidentally, Scott was also the one who would encourage me to watch funny and asinine shows with him like Beavis and Butthead from which I learned the art of talking like either of the characters: "huh huh, huh, huh, huh huh", "Woooah," "That was cool," "He said hole...huh huh, huh huh, huh, huh, huh huh" courtesy of Butthead AND "Heh heh, heh, heh, heh heh," "That sucks!", "I am the great Cornholio. I need TP for my bunghole. Bunghole. Bungholiooooo....Are you threatening me?!"and of course the expression "Yeeeeeah"--which is still an essential element of my everyday speech--thanks to Beavis. By the way, if you check out that link, I suggest looking at the memorable quotes link....Why? cuz it’s cool, dammit. Don’t make me come over there. huh, huh, huh huh, huh huh. Anyways, as you may guess, some wonderful expressions came out of that show.

Now, back to the task at hand—finding the source to my flipping off addiction. Aside from exposing me to shows that dealt with such issues as the middle finger, my brother was prone to showing me his middle finger on many occasions, some of which were not very practical, like when my parents were nearby and I couldn't retaliate. But in truth, my brother was just the beginning of my problems. The next biggest influence was...high school.

In such an institution of higher learning, a Catholic high school at that, I became acquainted with a variety of students, a few of which developed into good friends. This circle of friends had a range of impurities, going from the infrequent slipping in of swear words to swear words making up half their vocabulary. I wonder who had the most impact on me? Hmmmmmm. Fuck if I know. Moving on, it was those friends that were a year older than me, who tried to act like bad-asses that caught my attention early in high school. I mean, what's cooler than driving around GB with the windows down on a sunny afternoon and yelling things at passers by? I can't think of anything. If I had to choose anyone who truly and specifically influenced this trigger finger, it'd have to be my guy friends.

My guy friends have a tendency to say whatever comes to their minds, whether it be a sick joke, an insult, a rip, or any stupid-ass commentary. Part of this tendency is to flip off anyone and anything, especially in retaliation for a rip for which they couldn’t think of a better retort. Sometimes there didn't even have to be a person involved--they could give their computer the finger, flip the bird to a passing car, flick off a flock of fucking annoying birds...there was no end to their flipping frenzy. Some of this behavior was bound to rub off on me eventually.

And then there is the current situation. I actually take great joy in seeing the middle finger cast about in pop culture, from the wonderful scene in Bring It On where the guy takes being given the finger in stride by pretending to grab it in midair (like a blown kiss), puts the imaginary gift in his pocket, and says “Thanks”....to the kid named Craig in South Park who constantly gives the finger for no reason at all. Yes, I enjoy giving people the finger with no explanation—they can be telling me a story or just sitting there doing their homework, and I’ll flip ‘em the bird. (Warning: Only attempt this with close friends who have a sense of humor and will not royally kick your ass for flipping them off). Not only have I taken on the fancy for flicking off; I have sought to convert others to this honor-fucking-able pastime.

Yes, even poor Jenny, who at first was somewhat surprised by the frequent bird watching, has become immune to the effects of the middle finger. She is no longer phased when I randomly flip her off in the middle of a conversation or give the finger to a light post. She even has urges to give the finger herself, but she has yet to fall to such murky depths as I have succumbed...but I fear her fall is inevitable.

So what can be done to stop this phenonema from spreading? There have been several efforts made, but none were successful. Feel free to try them if you like—perhaps they will work for you:
*Wearing mittens—I would still hold up my hand in the giving the finger manner and, rather than being disappointed by the mittened effect, reveled in the idea that it was a mystery as to whether I was REALLY giving the finger, or was I just pretending....hmmmm...
*Suppressing the urge—the will of the finger is just too strong...It’s like Prince Xizor’s observation about Darth Vader; he cannot be beaten by a direct assault.
*Being reprimanded by others—it works to an extent, but eventually the shock value wears off and those people resign themselves to receiving the bird.
*Taping fingers together—actually I’ve never tried it, but I’m sure it wouldn’t work either—I would just come up with another offensive gesture, like raising my fist while slapping that same arm: ”Hail President Scroob!”.
*Slapping oneself every time the finger is given—either I don’t slap myself hard enough, or maybe I’m slightly masochistic.....they say education majors ARE masochistic, so that could be...

Perhaps one or more of these methods will work for you, but none so far have done me much good. It could be that I’m destined to live my life spreading this star-crossed symbol to all those I encounter. Or it could be that I’m just immature and I like being that way. Who knows?

My advice to anyone who has the same symptoms of being a habitual finger-flicker: Use your flipping off skills wisely. You never know when you might need that finger for a dumb-ass driver, a computer virus, a birthday present, or any other special occasion. So keep that finger well toned and in shape. There’s a reason why that finger towers over the rest of the fingers of the hands...it’s longer. So flip off with pride!! (But you may want to avoid flipping off your parents and professors...unless their backs are turned ;)

Picture pages, picture pages...

mwa ha ha ha ha! I have a picture on my website! for the first time!!! :)

Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?


What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

"Good idear Lord!"

Let me blow ya mind

Aight, probably not going to be any mind-blowing entries coming up immediately, HOWEVER, a new edition of KRAP is now in the making. I've had to wait until my mood improved so I could give this entry the time, attention, and idiotic humor it deserves. I'm not sure how much time I'll have to finish it today/tonight, but I'll be sure to reveal my latest bits of wisdom in the next couple days. Until then, amuse yourself with...this. For now though I have to get ready for class and all that jazz. Later :)

Ain't no mountain high enough

No, this is not about how I'm willing to do anything to get to someone. Well it is actually, I'm willing to anything to get to me. Time to kick the ass of some obstacles and get them the hell out of my way ;) I've put off refocussing my life for far too long. It's time to not only implement those resolutions; it's time to make a shift in my perspective. Late last night, I wrote a song/poem that I really like and holds this sort of theme. Though I know I'm sometimes lazy and love to make resolutions that I rarely follow through with, I resolve to change the focus of my life from finding/enjoying true love/romance to making myself a better person--striving to be the best person I can. That doesn't just mean being healthy and not getting down on myself; I mean reaching out to others, not thinking too selfishly, and doing something with my life that makes a positive difference in the world. No, I'm not going to run out and join the Peace Corps or leading the next anti-war/passifist protest...I was thinking more along the lines of making sure I end up as a good teacher, perhaps even in a difficult school, doing some more volunteer work like the stuff I've been doing with Par-te Rec in EC, and giving myself a voice through actually doing some of that writing I've been talking about for the last few years AND getting it published. And being a good friend and a good daughter, sister, sister-in-law, granddaughter, cousin, etc. There's a long way to go towards reform, but I'm making my first steps.

This thing with Mike may have hurt me, and I did feel really horrible when I woke up this morning, but the truth is, it's not his fault. He may have been looking out for his own interests, but I really can't blame him, especially when we were just "friends" and it was me who started falling back in love with him. I knew all along that he would eventually find someone and he would date and maybe it would work out, maybe it wouldn't, but that someday I would no longer be THE woman in his life. I can't talk to him now, and plan on avoiding talking to his friends as well. I just need some distance. I'm not sure if I can ever truly be his friend while he's dating someone else...maybe eventually, but not for a while. He's a good guy, but it appears he is not the one. I'm not sure if there really is a "one" out there--this isn't The Matrix (sequel in May!!! YAY!!!!!!)--and whether there is or isn't, I know that I will someday find someone who will care as deeply about me as I do him. But knowing that, having that distant dream, is not going to be what drives me. When I make it the focus of my life, I run into trouble, and I've taken too much damage already from that practice. I will follow my new focus of self-actualization, work towards that higher echelon. I know I say that every time things get fucked up in my life...and maybe it shows I'm a slow learner :P But I have to keep trying, and maybe eventually I will get it right. Wish me luck!

JUST FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!


FUCK!!!!!!

I feel like I'm going to be sick. wretched, horrible, disgusting, pathetic, teerrible, just.....awful hurt, sick.....fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck......fuck fuck fuck....Mike is seeing someone, which is why he's been avoiding talking to me. I knew it, I fucking knew it. I shoul be happy, I should be like, oh, well, he's wanted this for a long time, now he's got it, he can see other people, get it out of his system and then realize how awesome I am. Yeah, right.... what a dreamer... He's seeing someone. I'm a real bonafied ex now. with no return in sight. though I know it has always been a possibility, the reality hits me and I have no other reality other than knowing my heart is broken again. And I saw her, I saw the girl at Espresso...that was her...I iddn't know it, I guessed it, but didn't truly believe it. And now I know, and I feel I'm going to be sick. I let myself falll in love with him again, dared to dream again, becuase I never stopped loving him, I always thought we were destined. And now...yeah, I know that I've been seeing other people but I never had to deal with this before...not since last January, and I'm taking it as badly now...worse actually. I want out of here, out. I don'tw ant to be here this summer. I want out out out out. oh god let me out. I'm scared, I'm sick, I feel betrayed, I feel pathetic, I feel used, I feel stupid, I feel so hopeless. I can't imagine sleeping tonight. I want out of here, I need to do something, I just can't....oh god this sucks so bad....this is so bad...so bad...I can't stop crying, I want out....soemone, get me out of here...

We've Got Big Balls

It's Saturday night, and Jenny, Erin, Lance, Trica and I are dresed up and ready to get down at Viennese Ball in EC. The biggest annual event in EC, V-ball has been the cause of much fun...and much stress, but here it is--just started at this very moment. Of course, everyone else is running behind, so Jenny and I have to wait it out while our premature make up and hair wilts and our anxiety for this trumped up occasion increases. I'm hoping that everyone will have a blast, and I'm sure we will, though we're down a couple menfolk who might have made for some interesting dynamics, but it's probably for the best. Us girls (and Lance) will shake it down on the dance floor with polka, waltz, swing, and whatever else we decide to make up. I suppose I had better put my dress on :P I'll let you know how much it rocks when it's all over with. See ya ;)

Fear and Lunching in EC

How can a young woman, who has gone through the dating gauntlet, been crushed a couple times, and come through relatively sane be so afraid and nervous of a little outing for lunch? I'm not nervous about impressing him, not nervous that he won't like me, not even nervous that he won't want to hang out with me ever again. In fact, none of that really concerns me at all. Yeah, he's good looking and I wouldn't mind hanging out with him sometimes and getting to know him (since I scarecly know him now). BUT, it actually will phase me very little if he doesn't want anything to do with me ever again or if he just wants to be friends, or what not. One would think I'd be like, hm, I gotta make a good impression and snag this fellow and all that jazz. And maybe I would feel that way if I knew him better (or maybe not). So, given that, why am I so nervous and downright scared? One word: Mike. I am downright scared that I am going to fuck things up. All along, Mike and I have had this understanding that we have no expectations of each other, no commitments, and no restrictions. That hasn't really bothered me at all. He checks out, hits on, and hangs out with other girls. Meanwhile, I check out, hit on and hang out with other guys. So what's the big deal then? Let me tell you...I don't know. I think it has to do with the fact that since Mike and I have become so close, I haven't had any interests in other guys other than very casual encounters on nights out. And he hasn't really had much going on with girls. All this time, I've been preparing myself for the inevitable day he tells me he's going on a date with some chick. I've been preparing myself so much for his dating other girls that it hasn't even occurred to me what I would do if some guy were to show interest in me.

Now, don't jump to conclusions here. Going to lunch with Matt is really very innocent and friendly--as I said, I barely know him. I'm not even trying to infer that something is going to happen with him, in fact very likely, nothing at all will. And as I said, that doesn't bother me at all. The thing is, this unexpected development has awakened me to this possible dilemna: How can I date other guys while I am admittedly in love with Mike? Answer: I have no fucking idea. Somehow I have to do it though. There's really no way around it, other than to make myself completely inaccessible to other guys, and I'm much too big of a flirt to do that ;) Oh, not like I'm saying I'm irresistable...quite a many guys could give a rat's ass if I exist or not. So it's not as though I am going to have to make much of a choice here. But now I'm actually thinking of the possibility of a choice, and my confusion is mind-boggling. I have no idea what I would do if some guy were to ask me out. I know for sure I'd have to wait a good while to make such a decision. I guess my complete confusion caught me offguard. I thought I could handle all this, considering my past experiences. But for some reason, this feels different. I almost feel like I'd be cheating on Mike by going out with another guy, even though that is completely irrational. If Mike were to date someone else, he wouldn't be cheating on me, in fact, I would encourage it, since I think he really needs that experience in order to gain some understanding and perspective. And on the other hand, I don't want to pass up on an opportunity that may come along--I mean, it may be possible that there is someone else out there for me, so why sit around waiting for something that very well may never happen when I could have happiness and love in a new and different place? Still, the mixed up feelings persist in me, to the point that I am nervous of the chance of things happening where I would be put in such a position. I honestly don't think I will anytime soon, but it still unnerves me. I am not a fan of this feeling of fucked-up-ness....like, I'm totally screwed if I do this, and totally screwed if I do that. There's no happy medium here. Eventually, I will have to make a decision, and that idea scares me...a lot. Dating another guy would be like saying I am giving up on a dream I have of something I think is true and wonderful. Maybe I will have to do that eventually. But I don't want it it be soon....I'm not ready for it to be soon. I'm just not ready at all. The thing is too, how would it affect our friendship? All other feelings aside, he's a good friend and I want to hang out with him and have him as part of my life. What happens when one or both of us are dating another person? Will we still want to see each other? Would that be possible? I hope so...but I have no way of knowing. And it certainly does not help that...ugh, being with Mike is too damn nice. I'm sure he's not nearly so mixed up in his mind. I mean, yeah, he probably has some sort of feelings for me, but I know he certainly would not even THINK of passing up the chance to date some other girl, especially if she was cute. And I also know that he will not ask me back out until he is sure of his feelings...which wouldn't be until after he dated other girls, and lots of time passed, and that is of course if he doesn't fall for someone else which is very much possible....so it very well may never ever happen. And I know this, knew this...and understand it too. ::sigh:: I knew that things would be complicated, but I never realized the depth of it all. Oh please, give me strength and wisdom. I think I'm going to need it in the next few months.

okay, well, it was an attempt at putting up a picture. don't be discouraged--it'll get worked out eventually.

My first picture!

Alright, granted this is sort of cheating by having Jenny do all the dirty work for me, but here's a picture just for you anyway! I was inspired my Jenny's fantastic depiction of her vball dress, so I decided to induldge my own urge to display my lack of artistic talent for all the world to see. Just imagine if I actually drew this with paper and pencil! Of course, it's hard to get the effect of the dress by my pointing and clicking and dragging color all over the place and calling it a picture, but you can get a rough idea. Those little black dots on the dress are stars of varying size, with little bits of silver glitter highlighting the stars a little so they sparkle. The dress itself has multiple layers-one a slip with tule at the bottom to make it slightly poofy, another layer to cover that up, and the top layer is sheer and has those little stars and sparkles on it. It's unique and cute--just like me ;) Wish you could see it in person--maybe we'll take some good pics and post them after vball. You never know ;)

Something tells me class is going to be hella boring

Yeah, I'm down the hill, wasting time on lower campus when I'd MUCH rather be sleeping. Of course it's my own fault that I didn't get a full night's rest, and I have no problem with the fact that I stayed up til 7am working on papers that should have been done hours beforehand. No, that was actually worth it. I didn't feel that bad at all writing til late last night, and though I woke up feeling grumpy, the rest of my day hasn't gone too badly. It's just that at this point in my day, I'm usually fairly unexcited about my evening class, and with little sleep and less patience, I'm even more NOT excited to go to class. Discussion isn't bad, in fact, I often enjoy class discussions. However, there comes a point when a three-hour long discussion about topics I only half-heartedly feel like talking about becomes tedious, pointless, long...and boring. Even when the subjects are thought-provoking and informative, such as a discussion of culture clashing, like in the case of Hmong traditions and Western medicine in the case of epilepsy, my attention is only held for so long before my mind starts turning in on itself. Ususally it's about halfway through the class, when we are able to have a 5-10 min break to use the facilities, grab a drink or snack from the vending machine, and eventually wander back to the classroom. Right about then, I'm set to leave. Sitting down again, knowing that there's another 1.5 hours to go is almost excruciatingly painful--and not even just because of the mental meltdown, but it is also physically bothersome to sit in the same cramped room on uncomfortable shares and try to seem attentive after already having 2 classes and either reading, writing, or typing between 11-6pm. Oh, I know, poor baby...I work, I work out, I am involved in a gazillion clubs, go spelunking and what not, yes, I realize that for the most part I'm whimp who just one long day a week. But you know, one long day is quite enough. If my entired week was like this, I'm sure I'd get used to it. Having one day, just makes me despise that one day. I used to like Tuesdays, but now....they annoy me. And I blame it on FED 385, a human relations course. Yes, out of all my classes, the one that is supposed to make me more tolerant, thoughful, and informed about human cultures has me wanting to shut up my classmates and get the fudge out of there. Even CI 317 seems more acceptible, though it is infinitely less meaningful than FED 385. Why? Because that class is only an hour and 50 minutes, with a 10 min break in the middle.

::sigh:: Sorry for the cynicism. I'll get over it once I get some food, get the heck out of class, and then get some sleep. So yeah, that's about it for now. My rant for the day is done, and now it's time to get some food in my belly! ;)

Something tells me I'm into something good...

I don't know why, but I just feel good right now. I think it's mostly due to the coffee and sugar that is flowing through me, but I'd like to think there's more to it than that. Lately I just feel...productive. Not in the sense of getting school or work done, heck no :P But in (what I think is more important) he sense that I'm making connections. For a while there, I felt out of touch with some of my friends, but in the last few days, I've been reaching out to more people, or at least accepting more people into my consciousness. Best friends are super awesome, but I know I was neglecting some of my other good and worthy friends, who have important parts in my life. Oh, I'm far from the perfect friend, always there to help and talk to and all that jazz. Sometimes I'm downright self-absorbed. But right now, at this moment, I feel really good about my friends. I love having a variety of people in my life, all with unique personalities and wonderfully different qualities. Every one of them has something special to offer, though they may not see it. Sometimes I wish I was more appreciative of that fact, or at least showed my appreciation better. These friends with these unique qualities are more important to me than any paper :P Just look at this list of these fantastic qualities they bring into my life to share!

*faith in God
*faith in me as a friend
*adventure...climbing, biking, walking, hiking, camping, driving, dancing, burning stuff...like marshmallows or candles, swimming, gaming, etc.
*good cooking
*spontaneous visits
*jokes and humor in places and ways I never expected
*smiles
*shopping partners
*helpers in time of crisis
*being able to withstand hearing the word "Mike" over and over again
*new music, new movies, new shows, new obsessions (like DBZ ;)
*various forms of expression--from flicking off to "yeppers" to interpretive dance at 3am
*fellow movie quoters
*loyalty
*much needed kicks in the ass
*encouragement
*new ways of looking at the world
*helping to keep me grounded
*helping to keep me soaring

...There's just so many things my friends to for me without even knowing it. I'm so indebted to them, and I rarely show it. Even those friends I don't talk to every day, don't see every month....they positively influence my life, and they deserve more than I give them credit for. It's impossible to keep all close friendships, when lives drift apart, when life happens. But even those friends that have drifted away...they're friends, and will stay that way in my mind. Unless they piss me off somehow, then I might just call them bitches and forget 'em ;) But it's a rare occassion indeed when I say "bitch" and mean it. So, thank you friends, you kick ass and make me feel like I might just be able to kick some ass in life :) Here's to you!

Get Busy!

Been a while since I updated--sorry about that. I've been slacking off I guess. Tonight I have to work on a couple papers--I plan on getting one done tonight, and the other done by tomorrow night. Neither is really that hard--I don't even need any secondary sources for either. And they're only 5 and 3 pages respectively. Compared to previous semesters, this is cake ;) Anyway, nothing new going on here. Thursday I went to see About Schmidt with Lars at the theater in the mall. At the time I wasn't really in the mood to venture out into the cold and ice, but the movie was thoughtful and it was nice to hang out with Lars for a change of pace. Friday was dinner/breakfast at 11pm with Jenny, with Maverick to follow--I love that movie :) And last night was night out with the girls on Water St. It took us a while to get out, but once we did, it was good times had by all. We were all disappointed that the stupid bars decided that because of Daylight Savings Time they would close at "1am" instead of 2am, even though the time is not supposed to change until 2am--very lame. Dancing was fun, and there was even a fairly cool guy there named Travis who, though short, was not short on wit. We didn't exchange numbers or anything, but he wouldn't be a bad guy to hang out with if I ever ran into him again. It was refreshing for me to dance with a guy who didn't take things seriously and could just kid around while flirting. I'm a sucker for goofballs, what can I say ;)

Not too much else to say for the time being. V-ball is coming up on Saturday and we have an extra ticket since Will can't come. Since we can't figure out who else would want to come and CAN come, we're probably going to sell it soon. We should have no problem getting rid of it. It's a little disappointing though that we're going to sell it after all the trouble with trying to get more tickets :P Oh well, such is life. Time to work on this paper :P Later!

Boredom Alleviation Continues...

Now where was I....Oh yes, I gave Chuck a ride back to their apartment. Due to his inebriation (and to his typical behavior) he babbled on about all sorts of things while driving, most of which didn't make a lot of sense. Once we got to the apt, Mike broke out his new game Freelancer on his computer, Chuck played annoyingly sappy music and old Looney Toons on his computer while chatting online, and I picked up Mike's guitar and played the one song I sort of know how to play--Bush "Glycerine." In the midst of this, Chuck had a fit because Mike bought cookies at the mall and gave one to me and ate one himself, but offered none to Chuck. At first glance, that might seem rude, but considering that Chuck has a condition with his stomach that prevents him from being able to eat wheat products unless he wants to have some serious health troubles, it's not so rude. The bottle of wine convinced Chuck, however, that he would like nothing better than a cookie, despite the fact he would become seriously ill, and he was willing to be REALLY obnoxious to get one. Mike ALMOST gave in by giving him a little piece, but then Chuck got too obnoxious and there was no way Mike was going to give in. Meanwhile, I'm trying to hold Chuck back, and then Mike leaves the room for a min, Chuck sees the bag of cookies unattended and goes for them. Of course, that leaves me there to defend Chuck's life by wrenching those cookies from his hands, which I did. Then I took them to the other room and hid them behind the couch while he was otherwise occuppied with Mike. Chuck searched vainly for a few minutes, while loudly whining, "Where are the cookies?!!! I want a cookie!!! Tell me where the cookies are!!! You hid them; where did you hide them?!!!" If Chuck had stopped whining any later, Mike would have stomped the pathetic creature.

The rest of the night wasn't nearly so "dramatic." Mike and I dropped Chuck off at his parents' house so he could dog-sit overnight, and went back to the apt. When we got there, Lisa and Nate had arrived and gone to bed. So the apt was ours and quiet finally. What to do? Lay down on the couch and watch Comedy Central, of course! It was a really twisted South Park episode (702), so not exactly an ideal thing to be watching while cuddling on a couch, but then, it never stopped us before. Mike was tired, so he was falling asleep. I wasn't that comfortable (his couch is old and has boards separating the sections cuz it has reclining seats....and it's small for two people) so I wasn't sleepy. I figured I would head home, but when I suggested I let him sleep, he said, nah, he's not that tired and I can stay. So...we ended up curling up on his bed for a while, chatting and enjoying each other's company. We actually had some good serious discussion, and I felt better when I left there later that night. He knows how I feel, and he also knows that I really want to be friends and won't let my mixed feelings mess that up. We're too close of friends to let things be left unsaid, but there also needs to be that understanding that we really can't be "together" right now. After this weekend, I really am convinced that at least part of him really does want to be with me, making me feel pretty good. I also know that it can't happen, not now for sure. He still has to see other people, or at least go on some dates and get a taste of the dating game. I can't say I'm thrilled about it, but I know that there's no other way, and I would much rather have him without regrets, even if it does mean letting him go for now, and perhaps for always. I'd like to think that there's more to our story though.

That's the thing with Mike; it just never seems finished. There has to be more to it, we have to have another chance. Somehow, I just know it. Maybe I'm just idealistic, stuck on a pleasant dream. So what? So maybe I am dreaming--I'd much rather have a dream about something I think is worth it than ignore these feelings I have. I always said I'd fight for Mike, and I think I have been, in my own "subtle" way. Maybe I'm wrong and he's not "the one" for me, but what if I'm right? Then shouldn't I do everything I can? Not to make it my life, not to be obsessive or anything like that, but I should allow myself to feel these emotions and let whatever happens, happen naturally. I won't push, I won't be needy, but I will be there, a part of his life, as long as I can. I can give him the space he needs to develop and experience life, but I won't give up. Not yet.

::sigh:: An overly sappy blog entry, I know. But Jenny told me I had to blog, and this is what came out of my writing. Forever a hopeless romantic....But hey, next entry I'll say something fun and creative, okay? Deal :)