Guess what kids--it's time for another edition of:
Katie's Random Advice Post (KRAP)!

Today's KRAP is brought to you by the letters F, U, and C, and by the greek symbol kappa or K.

As brought on by recent events and a discussion with a close friend, I have come to the realization that I give the middle finger quite often. Now, I know most people will admit to flipping the occasional bird here and there, but there comes a point when it becomes more than just a symbolic representation of the phrase "Fuck you!"--when it becomes...an addiction. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am addicted to flicking off. The following blog entry is dedicated to finding the source and then perhaps figuring out the cure for this addiction--remember, this may one day save you or your friend from this debilitating problem.

Tracing back the origins of this "problem," I find that much of this phenomenon relates to my childhood. Some sources (like...myself) might claim that I was born into this addiction--due to being really pissed off at the doctors from ripping me from my warm secure home and throwing me into this cold cruel world for which I duly showed the doctors and nurses that I was a fast learner and already knew how to count to one...ooOoo. How precious. However, it is ever more likely that my brothers, in particular my brother Scott, who first introduced me to this life-affecting habit.

Yes, my own older brother, 5+ years my senior, corrupted his sweet and innocent little sister. Aside from the choice words my parents (especially my dad) would spout out in frustration or anger now and then, my brothers' language most effectively influenced my own. It is due to him that I sometimes say "No." to questions or questions that are thinly veiled commands in a cocky, I-want-to-annoy-you manner with a smirk.
Example:
Mom: Katie, do you want to mop the floor for me?
Me: No.
Mom: (gives me a look)
Me: (smirks)
Mom: (sighs) Katie, mop the floor.
Me: Oh, okay. (smirking even bigger)

Incidentally, Scott was also the one who would encourage me to watch funny and asinine shows with him like Beavis and Butthead from which I learned the art of talking like either of the characters: "huh huh, huh, huh, huh huh", "Woooah," "That was cool," "He said hole...huh huh, huh huh, huh, huh, huh huh" courtesy of Butthead AND "Heh heh, heh, heh, heh heh," "That sucks!", "I am the great Cornholio. I need TP for my bunghole. Bunghole. Bungholiooooo....Are you threatening me?!"and of course the expression "Yeeeeeah"--which is still an essential element of my everyday speech--thanks to Beavis. By the way, if you check out that link, I suggest looking at the memorable quotes link....Why? cuz it’s cool, dammit. Don’t make me come over there. huh, huh, huh huh, huh huh. Anyways, as you may guess, some wonderful expressions came out of that show.

Now, back to the task at hand—finding the source to my flipping off addiction. Aside from exposing me to shows that dealt with such issues as the middle finger, my brother was prone to showing me his middle finger on many occasions, some of which were not very practical, like when my parents were nearby and I couldn't retaliate. But in truth, my brother was just the beginning of my problems. The next biggest influence was...high school.

In such an institution of higher learning, a Catholic high school at that, I became acquainted with a variety of students, a few of which developed into good friends. This circle of friends had a range of impurities, going from the infrequent slipping in of swear words to swear words making up half their vocabulary. I wonder who had the most impact on me? Hmmmmmm. Fuck if I know. Moving on, it was those friends that were a year older than me, who tried to act like bad-asses that caught my attention early in high school. I mean, what's cooler than driving around GB with the windows down on a sunny afternoon and yelling things at passers by? I can't think of anything. If I had to choose anyone who truly and specifically influenced this trigger finger, it'd have to be my guy friends.

My guy friends have a tendency to say whatever comes to their minds, whether it be a sick joke, an insult, a rip, or any stupid-ass commentary. Part of this tendency is to flip off anyone and anything, especially in retaliation for a rip for which they couldn’t think of a better retort. Sometimes there didn't even have to be a person involved--they could give their computer the finger, flip the bird to a passing car, flick off a flock of fucking annoying birds...there was no end to their flipping frenzy. Some of this behavior was bound to rub off on me eventually.

And then there is the current situation. I actually take great joy in seeing the middle finger cast about in pop culture, from the wonderful scene in Bring It On where the guy takes being given the finger in stride by pretending to grab it in midair (like a blown kiss), puts the imaginary gift in his pocket, and says “Thanks”....to the kid named Craig in South Park who constantly gives the finger for no reason at all. Yes, I enjoy giving people the finger with no explanation—they can be telling me a story or just sitting there doing their homework, and I’ll flip ‘em the bird. (Warning: Only attempt this with close friends who have a sense of humor and will not royally kick your ass for flipping them off). Not only have I taken on the fancy for flicking off; I have sought to convert others to this honor-fucking-able pastime.

Yes, even poor Jenny, who at first was somewhat surprised by the frequent bird watching, has become immune to the effects of the middle finger. She is no longer phased when I randomly flip her off in the middle of a conversation or give the finger to a light post. She even has urges to give the finger herself, but she has yet to fall to such murky depths as I have succumbed...but I fear her fall is inevitable.

So what can be done to stop this phenonema from spreading? There have been several efforts made, but none were successful. Feel free to try them if you like—perhaps they will work for you:
*Wearing mittens—I would still hold up my hand in the giving the finger manner and, rather than being disappointed by the mittened effect, reveled in the idea that it was a mystery as to whether I was REALLY giving the finger, or was I just pretending....hmmmm...
*Suppressing the urge—the will of the finger is just too strong...It’s like Prince Xizor’s observation about Darth Vader; he cannot be beaten by a direct assault.
*Being reprimanded by others—it works to an extent, but eventually the shock value wears off and those people resign themselves to receiving the bird.
*Taping fingers together—actually I’ve never tried it, but I’m sure it wouldn’t work either—I would just come up with another offensive gesture, like raising my fist while slapping that same arm: ”Hail President Scroob!”.
*Slapping oneself every time the finger is given—either I don’t slap myself hard enough, or maybe I’m slightly masochistic.....they say education majors ARE masochistic, so that could be...

Perhaps one or more of these methods will work for you, but none so far have done me much good. It could be that I’m destined to live my life spreading this star-crossed symbol to all those I encounter. Or it could be that I’m just immature and I like being that way. Who knows?

My advice to anyone who has the same symptoms of being a habitual finger-flicker: Use your flipping off skills wisely. You never know when you might need that finger for a dumb-ass driver, a computer virus, a birthday present, or any other special occasion. So keep that finger well toned and in shape. There’s a reason why that finger towers over the rest of the fingers of the hands...it’s longer. So flip off with pride!! (But you may want to avoid flipping off your parents and professors...unless their backs are turned ;)