Fear and Lunching in EC

How can a young woman, who has gone through the dating gauntlet, been crushed a couple times, and come through relatively sane be so afraid and nervous of a little outing for lunch? I'm not nervous about impressing him, not nervous that he won't like me, not even nervous that he won't want to hang out with me ever again. In fact, none of that really concerns me at all. Yeah, he's good looking and I wouldn't mind hanging out with him sometimes and getting to know him (since I scarecly know him now). BUT, it actually will phase me very little if he doesn't want anything to do with me ever again or if he just wants to be friends, or what not. One would think I'd be like, hm, I gotta make a good impression and snag this fellow and all that jazz. And maybe I would feel that way if I knew him better (or maybe not). So, given that, why am I so nervous and downright scared? One word: Mike. I am downright scared that I am going to fuck things up. All along, Mike and I have had this understanding that we have no expectations of each other, no commitments, and no restrictions. That hasn't really bothered me at all. He checks out, hits on, and hangs out with other girls. Meanwhile, I check out, hit on and hang out with other guys. So what's the big deal then? Let me tell you...I don't know. I think it has to do with the fact that since Mike and I have become so close, I haven't had any interests in other guys other than very casual encounters on nights out. And he hasn't really had much going on with girls. All this time, I've been preparing myself for the inevitable day he tells me he's going on a date with some chick. I've been preparing myself so much for his dating other girls that it hasn't even occurred to me what I would do if some guy were to show interest in me.

Now, don't jump to conclusions here. Going to lunch with Matt is really very innocent and friendly--as I said, I barely know him. I'm not even trying to infer that something is going to happen with him, in fact very likely, nothing at all will. And as I said, that doesn't bother me at all. The thing is, this unexpected development has awakened me to this possible dilemna: How can I date other guys while I am admittedly in love with Mike? Answer: I have no fucking idea. Somehow I have to do it though. There's really no way around it, other than to make myself completely inaccessible to other guys, and I'm much too big of a flirt to do that ;) Oh, not like I'm saying I'm irresistable...quite a many guys could give a rat's ass if I exist or not. So it's not as though I am going to have to make much of a choice here. But now I'm actually thinking of the possibility of a choice, and my confusion is mind-boggling. I have no idea what I would do if some guy were to ask me out. I know for sure I'd have to wait a good while to make such a decision. I guess my complete confusion caught me offguard. I thought I could handle all this, considering my past experiences. But for some reason, this feels different. I almost feel like I'd be cheating on Mike by going out with another guy, even though that is completely irrational. If Mike were to date someone else, he wouldn't be cheating on me, in fact, I would encourage it, since I think he really needs that experience in order to gain some understanding and perspective. And on the other hand, I don't want to pass up on an opportunity that may come along--I mean, it may be possible that there is someone else out there for me, so why sit around waiting for something that very well may never happen when I could have happiness and love in a new and different place? Still, the mixed up feelings persist in me, to the point that I am nervous of the chance of things happening where I would be put in such a position. I honestly don't think I will anytime soon, but it still unnerves me. I am not a fan of this feeling of fucked-up-ness....like, I'm totally screwed if I do this, and totally screwed if I do that. There's no happy medium here. Eventually, I will have to make a decision, and that idea scares me...a lot. Dating another guy would be like saying I am giving up on a dream I have of something I think is true and wonderful. Maybe I will have to do that eventually. But I don't want it it be soon....I'm not ready for it to be soon. I'm just not ready at all. The thing is too, how would it affect our friendship? All other feelings aside, he's a good friend and I want to hang out with him and have him as part of my life. What happens when one or both of us are dating another person? Will we still want to see each other? Would that be possible? I hope so...but I have no way of knowing. And it certainly does not help that...ugh, being with Mike is too damn nice. I'm sure he's not nearly so mixed up in his mind. I mean, yeah, he probably has some sort of feelings for me, but I know he certainly would not even THINK of passing up the chance to date some other girl, especially if she was cute. And I also know that he will not ask me back out until he is sure of his feelings...which wouldn't be until after he dated other girls, and lots of time passed, and that is of course if he doesn't fall for someone else which is very much possible....so it very well may never ever happen. And I know this, knew this...and understand it too. ::sigh:: I knew that things would be complicated, but I never realized the depth of it all. Oh please, give me strength and wisdom. I think I'm going to need it in the next few months.