Ain't no mountain high enough

No, this is not about how I'm willing to do anything to get to someone. Well it is actually, I'm willing to anything to get to me. Time to kick the ass of some obstacles and get them the hell out of my way ;) I've put off refocussing my life for far too long. It's time to not only implement those resolutions; it's time to make a shift in my perspective. Late last night, I wrote a song/poem that I really like and holds this sort of theme. Though I know I'm sometimes lazy and love to make resolutions that I rarely follow through with, I resolve to change the focus of my life from finding/enjoying true love/romance to making myself a better person--striving to be the best person I can. That doesn't just mean being healthy and not getting down on myself; I mean reaching out to others, not thinking too selfishly, and doing something with my life that makes a positive difference in the world. No, I'm not going to run out and join the Peace Corps or leading the next anti-war/passifist protest...I was thinking more along the lines of making sure I end up as a good teacher, perhaps even in a difficult school, doing some more volunteer work like the stuff I've been doing with Par-te Rec in EC, and giving myself a voice through actually doing some of that writing I've been talking about for the last few years AND getting it published. And being a good friend and a good daughter, sister, sister-in-law, granddaughter, cousin, etc. There's a long way to go towards reform, but I'm making my first steps.

This thing with Mike may have hurt me, and I did feel really horrible when I woke up this morning, but the truth is, it's not his fault. He may have been looking out for his own interests, but I really can't blame him, especially when we were just "friends" and it was me who started falling back in love with him. I knew all along that he would eventually find someone and he would date and maybe it would work out, maybe it wouldn't, but that someday I would no longer be THE woman in his life. I can't talk to him now, and plan on avoiding talking to his friends as well. I just need some distance. I'm not sure if I can ever truly be his friend while he's dating someone else...maybe eventually, but not for a while. He's a good guy, but it appears he is not the one. I'm not sure if there really is a "one" out there--this isn't The Matrix (sequel in May!!! YAY!!!!!!)--and whether there is or isn't, I know that I will someday find someone who will care as deeply about me as I do him. But knowing that, having that distant dream, is not going to be what drives me. When I make it the focus of my life, I run into trouble, and I've taken too much damage already from that practice. I will follow my new focus of self-actualization, work towards that higher echelon. I know I say that every time things get fucked up in my life...and maybe it shows I'm a slow learner :P But I have to keep trying, and maybe eventually I will get it right. Wish me luck!