I managed to survive the high school seniors gauntlet...so far. I still must get past the swinging swords of fire so don't count me in yet ;) What sucks though is the pleathora of homework I have now :P It seems like I have less to do cuz I have less classes (though in acutality this driving 25 min to the school every morning and then spending a couple hours there and then driving 25 min back seems to take up just as much time, especially since it is EVERY DAY). But I have a lot of big assignments coming up that I have barely begun to look at. I should have likely done more last week, and perhaps this week, but this week at least I have the excuse of having a stupid cold. From now it's school school school. I was thinking of trying to apply for a job in this "extra" time....but I think that's going to wait at least until my unit for English 406 is done. That's going to be a bitch to do, but it's nothing I havne't experienced before.

Other than that, not a whole lot is new. For the sake of an update, and not to dwell, this is the guy situation:
John hasn't called, so pretty much forget him. Brandon hasn't called either, so I guess he's not really into keeping up this friendship--the problem with forgetting about him is that I'm not sure if telling him that Mike and I broke up a couple weeks ago is going to change anything or not and I haven't had the opportunity to talk to him long enough to tell him that. So that's up in the air, but a bit pushed aside for the time being. Scotty's really cool, and he was originally supposed to visit this weekend, but he can't cuz his parents are visiting him instead to see his new place and all that jazz. He and I both call each other, so at least we're on good terms, so we shall see. Sam, the guy I met in Madison a couple weekends ago, and I went out for lunch on Sunday which was nice, friendly like, and he called this week too just to say hi and such, so now I have his number too. Not quite sure what to think of that--it'd be nice to get to know him better, but he lives in MN so it's a little difficult, but not too bad. Not sure if I see him in a romantic light or not, and I hope that he doesn't push that, and so far he's been really casual about it all, so I'm thinking that's good. And then there's Devon, the guy I met at the pub crawl last Friday who is going to be a teacher as well. He's a nice guy, cute, and he and I watched Memento tonight, which was one messed up movie. I'm still not sure what I think of it--it was just...interesting I guess...and LONG! As far as he I go, we're also on a friend type basis, though a bit more friendly than Sam and I. But I've been behaving....for the most part ;) I'm not sure what's with the guys lately--I mean, who meets someone at a bar? (okay....so my parents met at a bar....but that's not the point)

Right now, I'm trying to keep myself open for whoever and whatever comes along. I'm not really quite sure where my feeling lie at the moment. It sort of sways back and forth from day to day. I will say that Scotty has shown himself to be a really thoughtful guy and he has impressed me, but it is sort of difficult since he and I have only hung out together twice. I'd like to see him again and see what happens. So I guess if I had a list, he'd be first on it at this given moment. I'm not trying to be fickle or anything, but I guess I just want to keep my options open, since I've kind of learned that things rarely go as you think they will. Besides, I've been either single without dating or in a committed relationship for most of my life; I think it's a good time to be dating different people and getting to know a variety of guys while I'm waiting for the RIGHT guy to develop out of a possibility or stop in and show himself.

Despite the atypical social life going on right now, it's not really top on my mind right now. This whole teaching thing is tending to run at the forefront, shoving everything else below it. Strange that for once school is coming first, hm? Well, not that I am spending ALL my time studiously...I mean, there's gotta be time for my wonderful Sims family of Kate and Elijah Wood ;) hehehe, thought you might get a kick out of that Tricia :) hehhehe I guess since I never got around to writing him a letter, having a Sim character dedicated to him will have to be enough ;) ::sigh:: besides, in my experience, Aquarius's are trouble...oh wait, I'm an Aquarius....does that mean I'm trouble?

Okay, let's try this again. The third "draft" of this blog. It's really annoying cuz my second one was really quite funny, but now I'm not in the same mood/mode to try to repeat what I wrote in that one. Probably cuz now it's 1:50 and I haven't done my homework yet....and tomorrow is my first day meeting the students of the class I'll be working with for the next month and a half. The homework part doesn't bother me very much. Going to the high school tomorrow right after my first class DOES bother me :-\ Meeting the teacher wasn't that bad--cuz I know he must want me there cuz otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to having a TA. The high school seniors on the other hand...there's no knowing what they'll think of a college senior coming in who's not exactly "cool" to try to work with them and actually teach them for some of the classes. Ugh, I don't even know what to wear tomorrow. I'd like to make a good first impression.

That's what's running through my head pretty much right now. That and guys are trying to invade my thoughts too. I'm trying to fight them back with some good music...but then a song like Boxcar Racer's "I Feel So" comes on and the guys come back for another round. So I counter their counter attack with a well chilled Pepsi and some Chex Mix. Of course, then they use the whole body image concept to make me feel guilty after partaking of my comforting snack. Then I think, HA HA! but I have the excuse of PMS, so there! And then I try to squash them out by looking over my homework. ::sigh:: Then they sneak in from the side after a couple minutes when I start spacing out from the lack of interest in reading stuff about Thoreau that I already know. So I resort to writing a new blog entry, that concentrates on everything BUT guys. However, the more I write, the more that what is really on my mind fills in between the lines of my typing, and so I end up with a blog entry like this :P Ah well, at least "guys" remained an abstraction and I haven't yet mentioned any specific ones. I could, but I really don't feel like it. HA HA! Beat that, guys! ::silence:: MWA HA HA HA! SEE? They can't even speak up! ...it probably helps that none of them have the address to this blog, and that none of them have blogs that I know of...eh, that's their problem ;) I wonder what one of their blogs would look like/be about? Couldn't possibly be as cool as the blogs of Jenny, Tricia and I ;) ...well, at least Jenny and Tricia--I think mine still needs some revamping. ::sigh:: I suppose I should finish my homework. It's pretty sad that Jenny's SIMS online game got me sucked in as much as her when I wasn't even playing it. Such an evil game...but fun ;) I so want the SIMS now....but I would never get anything done if I owned it. Such is the paradox of games. For now I must go back to the game of life...joy.

Yeah, it's 4am and there is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't have gone to bed at 10pm tonight. EXCEPT that for once I really didn't have anything due for tomorrow, so I decided to take advantage of the time...by cleaning my room? No! By getting ahead on homework? NO! By doing chores in the apartment? NO!! By playing a game of Phase 10 with friends (including a semi-random stranger and an "emotional fuckwit") and watching a movie I've seen at least 5 times in the last couple weeks? YES!!!!!! Wow, what a wonderful guesser you are ;) Yes, I spent my free time tonight not catching up on sleep or work I should be doing, but by spending time hanging out with friends. I have to say it was a good time :) Granted, there was a down point when I talked with someone for an hour about not so pleasant things...same old story there, but after I spent a while watching Bridget Jones's Diary...again...and having a good conversation with Jenny, I really feel a lot better. So good, in fact, that I did a little cleaning when I got back here. THere's still a long way to go, but it's a start.

I need to get my life in shape, I really do. There is no excuse for all the self-pitying and wallowing in my inability to find any men that aren't fucked up in the emotional department. I have to face up to the fact that shit is going to happen, especially when trying to get to know new guys and when trying to let go of old ones. AND that some of the "problem" is my own fault. There are some things I could have prevented if I had really thought them through instead of getting caught up in the moment. Well, it's high time I "be the one behind the wheel" instead of letting my fear steer me into jumping too far too fast. Despite all the fairy tales, all the romance novels, all those wonderfully happy ending movies that I love...I AM okay on my own too :) Why am I not taking full advantage of this free time given to me? By being single, I have my whole life in my OWN hands, to decide to go and do what I please with my present, and what dreams I have for my future. And I have friends along side me, to help me on my way, and for me to help out as well. I shake my head at myself for falling into the same trap over and over of putting too much time into thinking about many things that I can't do a thing about, and dwelling on my need for romance, for love. How about my need for my life to have it's own meaning? Here's a great poem along those lines of thought, written by Longfellow in 1838:

"A Psalm of Life"

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!--
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of LIfe,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,--act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.
--- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Well, that paper is long over with. Of course, last night I ended up staying up til...about 6am working on an assignment that I didn't think was a big deal, until I really looked at the syllabus and realized...oh shit, this is going to take a while. But I finished it, and got a nap in this morning, so it works out. Maybe tonight will be the night I actually get a night's sleep...you never know ;)

On another note, I seem to be quite capable lately of alienating a friend...I need to somehow rectify that situation, but I'm not sure quite how. I'll talk about it more later, but right now I'm too worn out.

ACK! I can't stop tapping my foot....I'm so antsy...this stupid paper. I have 2 pages now, and I know pretty much exactly what I'll be writing in the rest of the paper...but it's so...not intersting....If I didn't know that it would be super ultra stupid to go onto AIM right now and chat with friends I would so be doign that right now...

sooo tired....and feeling very dumb for not getting stupid paper done yesterday. I can finish no problem in the next hour, but I just don't feel like it. I have a page written already (only took me a half hour, and that was with goofing off online and organizing my thoughts for the paper, which does take while, getting things to seem like there's some form going on) and I don't intend writing more than 3 pages probably. This will likely receive a mediocre grade, but I have done pretty well in everything else for the class, so I'm not TOO worried about bombing one paper. Especially knowing how much more my Unit will count anyway...which I suppose I should get started on this week, since it's due Nov. 19th and it really takes a lot of work. I'd like to make a quality one this time. Last unit I made was kinda fluffy, though it took a lot of work and planning. I'm thinking I'll grab a coffee before my midterm at 2pm. I figure I'll need a boost by then. I need a boost now, but I just ate and I should get this paper done first anyway. At least I got an A on my graphic organizer for CI 312 :) yeah, that assignment was a pain--we had to create a graphic that showed the main ideas and our interpretation of them from a book we had to read. It took forever to make the dang thing using MS Word. The only thing he said I could have improved upon was color. I suppose using all tints of blue wasn't the most colorful idea, but with little choice of printers (thank you Jenny) I decided it was a better choice than going somewhere on campus and paying for a color copy. Anyway, I had best get back to the paper for a while...maybe I'll write a celebratory entry when I'm done...

Had a great weekend in Madtown! Mandy and I spent time with her family and one of her old friends on Friday, which was pretty cool and relaxing--just the right touch. And Saturday we slept in a bit, went shopping, and hit the town :) Lara's mom took the 3 of us downtown and we hit The Red Shed which was alright--they sell HUGE long island iced teas...so we each had one. In the mean time, we were talking to a couple guys, except Mandy and Lara were talkign to theirs and I was talking to a different one who's friend introduced us. He was pretty cool--graduated the UMN, has a job, and likes the local band scene in MN which was fun to talk about. He bought me another long island iced tea which was very nice of him (especially since they're $5) and asked to put my phone number in his cell phone. I tell ya though, I REALLY didn't need that second drink....I got half way through and was FEELIN IT! Silly alcohol ;) I split half of it with Lara and Mandy cuz we had to get going on to the next place, but still, by the time we left I was drunk. So we travelled on to Brothers.

Once at Brothers, we all three made a b-line to the bathroom, which was hilarious cuz there was a line, so all three of us said we'd go into it together...though it was a single-person bathroom. The funny part was that I made it to the pot first, and the two of them were yelling at me to hurry up, which made me laugh cuz they were doing the potty dance like 5 year olds ;) So, we all three get out of there, meet back with Mandy's guy that joined us in going to Brothers, and as we were walking to another part of the bar, someone tapped me on the shoulder. Who was it? Shelly! :) I had called her earlier in the evening, and it had sounded like she wasn't coming, so to see her there was really cool :) So the 4 of us had a pretty good time the rest of the night, meeting some a bit older guys, one for each of us, and having pizza at their house (not the original plan, but it just worked out that way) and watching Road Trip, which was alright. The guy I was talking to for most of the night...well, he seemed cool when I met him, making small talk at the bar sort of flirty and such, but the more I got to know his personality....the more annoying he got. By the end I'm like...why am I even talking to him? Eh, oh well.

It was a fun AND very CHEAP night too since I only spent $6 for a drink and tip and ended up with 2 drinks and pizza :) And Shelly drove us which was super ultra cool of her, especially since we were a bit out of the way. I'll have to repay her next time we go out. Next day was okay, except for the drive back to EC. Yeah, it was fun chillin with Mandy, but it took us FOREVER. First she/her mom forgot something her mom needed out of the car, so we had to drive back after we wre already a half hour out. That wasn't TOO bad, but when put together with a huge traffic jam....seriously, it was about 15 miles long and added another hour and a half onto our trip. AND Lara (who was driving in a separate car back to EC) was having car trouble, so we were trying to meet up with her even though she was ahead of us by quite a distance so that maybe we could help her, but before we could set up a definate meeting place, Mandy's cell died. So we took two different exits, looking for Lara on the onramps. Not there, but we did stop at a gas station and used a phone there to call Lara, only to find out that her car is doing alright now and she's waaay ahead of us now. So, back into the traffic jam, finally get out of it, and a few min of peace....only to have the SNOW start. Visibility was shitty, so (being that I was driving from a point shortly before the traffic jam to EC) I was driving at about 15 mph lower than I normally would and also in a state of constant alertness for the next 45 min....It was a long night. I didn't finally relax until after I made some chocolate chip muffins and enjoyed them with Jenny and we vented a little and then did homework.

Today I met up with my cooperating teacher for being a TA this semester (starting next week). He was really nice and friendly, so I'm hoping I'll be comfortable in his classroom. It sounds like his class is sort of laid back and they really encourage student-based learning and even cross-content activities, which is great cuz that's what I've been learning all through college...about constructivist classrooms and giving students options and blah blah blah. I think I've read enough of it all to make my head spin...no really, it is a major plus when I go breakdancing--I'm the envy of everyone. ;) Okay, maybe not. But it IS good to have the first meeting with him over with, so that I can be that much less nervous when I meet the class next Monday. For now though...I get to concentrate on MY school and waaaaay too much homework. So I had best get crackin'. Catch ya later!

by the way...Bridget Jone's Diary rocks :) Perfect touch for a night like this...er...morning ;)

FUCK! just FUCK! What the fuck was he thinking?! Talked to Mike tonight--the fucking idiot. He decided that he hadn't really thought through on asking me back out. So, no more going out with Mike. WHAT THE FUCK?! I mean, yeah, so it's not totally unexpected, I wasn't that involved in the relationship yet cuz it just happened Friday. BUT FUCK MAN, HAVE SOME FUCKING DECENCY! I mean, hell, I'd rather have had sex with the guy with no commitments than have him "slip up" and ask me out. Another fucking case of someone being "in the moment" and doing something fucking ass stupid that fucks with my life. Yeah, maybe I should have known better, but you know, when someone tells you that they want to date you the 3rd time around, after 10 months of separation and being good friends, you tend to think that it means something. The fucker...So, I'm not talking to him for a good long while, and most definately not seeing him either. He can just go fuck himself. The asshole. He's on my block list, and he's going to stay there until I decided he can exist in my world again...which likely won't be until I'm in a situation where I can handle a little drama...which isn't any time soon. That's why this weekend it's off to Madison to hang with friends and having a good time. Wish me better luck to come ;) see ya!

::sigh:: Had the talk with Brandon tonight. It went about as I expected, as all conversations with him seem to go. But I guess that's a good thing cuz it sets us up for being friends again, now that things are out in the open and thoughts expressed, and allows me to think clearly about what I want from my renewed relationship with Mike. I really need to talk to him, but I wonder if it would be best to just wait til perhaps next weekend if I go home so that we can talk in person, which I think for that kind of conversation would be much better since it will be personal and we can see each others' reactions and think of each other as really being there, not just people at the other end of the line. For now I'm in a sort of limbo state where I'm not really sure what's going on. But that's nothing new. Anyways, I'm heading off the comp so I can really relax--it has been a looooooong day. This weekend should be a welcome blast of fresh fun ;) Check ya later!

Okay, I feel better now. It really helped to go with Jennifer and Jenny to Applebee's for happy hour :) Well, it wasn't really happy hour anymore, but it was dinner time and we had a couple drinks with our nice meals. It definately hit the spot, although I felt kinda icky after having a couple sweet drinks--those Mudslides are great, especially the MUCHO Mudslides, but you can only take so much of something that tastes like a very sweet chocolate shake. And to follow it up with an Irish coffee is nice, but still a bit on the sweet side. Eh, but it was tasty. However, having nearly half of Jenny's MUCHO strawberry margarita--which had Jose Cuervo and triple sec instead of just the house margarita mix--yeah, that got me feeling a LITTLE bit of a buzz. Just enough to add to the sleepiness I was already feeling.

So by 10:30 I was ready to zonk out. I can't believe I went to bed then, but I did...however I woke up about an hour later from my roomies being loud, but then I eventually drifted back to sleep...only to wake up at 1am, wide awake! Then I did what any resposible college student would do--worked on and ended up finishing the homework I had planned to do first thing in the morning. Back in bed by 3:30 and I got up at 8:30. You'd think that with the extra sleep I got I would have been feeling awake when I smacked my alarm clock. BUT of course I felt more tired than ever and it took me another 15 min to get out of bed, which I did not have. Late to class today, but it wasn't a big deal.

And now I'm actually feeling sort of awake, which is good since I have to work on a proposal for my Eng 406 unit--it's only about one page and I email it--and I have to type up answers to some discussion questions for another class--also not too hard. I know by 5pm though I'm going to be so ready to crash...BUT I have to give Brandon a call then and see about getting together so we can have our little talk. Maybe he'll want to talk around 8pm...that'll give me a nice 2.5 hour nap :) Here's hoping at least. With the way he is, I wonder if he even will remember and be around when I call him :P Hmm, and I have to call Mandy to let her know about the weekend--she asked me to go to Madison with her and I'm thinking about it. I'd also like to stay in town so that I can go to the Down and Above concert Friday night in MN, which I would drag Jenny to ;) I suppose I had best decided soon, so I'll have to find out the details from Mandy (like if she still plans on going, etc.). Anyway, time for homework...oh joy.

Shit. I feel like complete shit. I was feeling fine until I had to have a stupid fucking conversation with Nick. That guy has the tact of a fucking totalitarian dictator trying to take over the world by force. Like it isn't e-fucking-nough that I have to deal with the issue of what to tell or not tell Mike about what happened this summer, that I have to hear it from him. Yet another guy that knows about the "mystery man" and Mike wanting to know who it is. I'm so fucking sick of this shit. And for Nick to have the fucking gall to say that he heard that the main reason Mike wants to go back out with me is to find out who the mystery man is...that's fucking low. I 99% don't believe that bullshit, 1) cuz it came from Nick, a leader in bullshitting, 2) he heard it second hand, and 3) that would be just a stupid fucking move on Mike's part and I'd like to think he has more common sense than that and 4) that would also be a very low fucking move on Mike's part and I'd like to think he has more common decency than that. But of course, the suggestion has me fucking reeling, wondering if there isn't a little bit of truth in it, only because I haven't had the time/opportunity to talk to Mike barely at all about our renewed relationship and what it means. Reguardless of any bullshit, I want to know why is it he really wants to date me again? I mean, there should be some real reasons, not just for the hell of it, otherwise what's the point? And what has changed in our relationship that convinces me it's worth it? I mean, since we had problems in the past, what has been done or will be done to stop or prevent those problems from happening again. And what about seeing other people? Has he really come to terms with that idea in that he would be alright not seeing anyone else...as in ever? And if not, then why is he with me? Buying time til someone DOES come around? Yeah, these all need to be answered, and they need to be answered soon. That Friday night when we got back together just did not cut it for conversation. This really makes me want to go home this weeekend, actually tonight, to talk about it with him, but this weekend he works every night and I also could have other plans. So...that leaves the following weekend, but if I have to wait that long I'll go nuts. I have to call him...again...tonight and talk to him. The phone is not the best method, but I really need some answers. I feel like complete shit right now. All I want to do is crawl into a little hole--doesn't help I suppose that I'm hungry and that I know I have a presentation I'm not mentally fit for right now this afternoon....I think I'm going to ask the person in charge if I can please go next week cuz I'm feeling like complete shit and we would be rushed anyway. I just can't handle it right now. I can't believe how shaken I am. It's not so much that I believe Nick, it's more that I don't have much I can say in defense of it. And that's just not right. I have to be confident in why I'm dating him, otherwise what's the fucking point? I mean, yes, I care a lot about Mike and I wouldn't mind another chance at things--but what about him? What are his motivations? I'd like to think they are all good ones, but right now I have doubts and I don't like doubts. Which is why I want them proven wrong as soon as possible. I do have faith in Mike being a good person, but even good people can make mistakes. I don't want to be a mistake, nor do I want giving him another chance to be a mistake. If the right reasons aren't there--if he can't convince me--then I am not about to let this go on. I have other things in life to worry about outside of this messed up start of a relationship. And I don't just mean other possibilities in guys, I mean I have other things other than guys that I would like to think about once in a while, you know? Sometimes they are just so much trouble it makes me wonder why I bother. Yes, there's those good moments...but what good are they when they're followed by such bad ones? This blog entry makes me feel a little better, being able to vent, since no one is around to talk to. ::sigh:: I know part of my being worked up is due to being quite tired. But I also know that there is some truth to what I'm saying and that I do deserve answers after what has passed between Mike and I. If he is not understanding of that, well the, there's my answer right there. Wish me peace and I wish you more. Later.

A new blog for a new start!

ACK!! What is happening to blogger?! This HTTP/1.1 500 Server Error is taking over, bit by bit! Soon there will be nothing left of Blogger!

a new look...many adjustments to be made if blogger will let me