Today I turn 22. According to Tricia, that means I am now, "older than dirt." I'm not sure if I'm liking that title, but I suppose it could be worse ;) At least there's snow out for my bday--I've always liked that, though I wish there was more. I'm not quite sure how to best celebrate this day. As it stands, I'm going out to dinner somewhere...probably with Jenny A and perhaps Mandy. After that, it's time to make my famous birthday cupcakes. Once the cupcakes have been baked and devoured, it's on down to Water St. for a night of birthday frolicking ;) I'm thinking...free hard cider at Brothers, some dancing at She-nan's, perhaps some darts at the Pio....all in all, a good night. So far today I've done pretty well--I was late to my first class, but that's cuz I spent the mornign getting spruced up so I looked spiffy on my bday (for some reason that was important to me) and listening to peppy fun music like The Vandals' song "Happy Birthday to Me". All in all, not too bad a day so far, though it really hasn't been overly exciting or eventful, but then, it truly is just another day for the HUGE majority of the world, so what should I expect? Anyways, I have to run off to class soon, so I had best head out. Later ;)

Someday my acoustic/electric guitar will come....It will be mine; oh yes, it will be mine. In the meantime, I have to be satisfied listening/watching other people ply their talents on various instruments. For instance, Monday night I went to see some Jazz at The Stone's Throw...which I would link to if they had a working website, but apparently it's being worked on. Anyway, that was really cool, and I'm thinking about going there most Monday nights to kick back, listen and do some writing. Aside from the smoke smell, it's actually a good environment for me to work in. I found myself wanting a pen and paper when I was there with Lars. Yeah, he's an interesting fellow. But I'm quite proud of myself for pushing it back and maintaining a platonic deal with him. I can be his friend, though I don't exactly go out of my way to call him, unless he has called and left a message. I just want to make sure I keep some distance, cuz 1) Mandy warned me he's not the greatest guy and 2) pot-smoking beatnik is not my style and 3) I'm not overly attracted to him. He's been a really nice guy to me and all--bought my drinks Monday night and drove me. However, I am quite certain that I would never date him and I want to make sure I don't lead him on then too. It IS nice to have a guy calling and around to hang out with, especially since I typically don't have many guy friends. I'm sure that sometimes the way I act does not assist in that department :P

Aside from all that, things are going alright. Concentrating on the school thing, keeping up with classes and still looking for a job. I actually have to run to a SWEA fundraising meeting right now, so I've gotta jet. Later! :)

Finally back to blogging, sorry about the delay. This last weekend was busy with going home and my bro Scott's wedding reception and all that jazz. The reception was pretty fun, with my three dates, my three women ;) hehehe, I took my friends Jenny, Jenni and Tricia as my guests, since I couldn't really think of a guy I wanted to drag there. We had a good time, doing a variety of things: dressing up, dancing, drinking, looking demure...(I was trying to think of another "d" word...close enough). It was basically like one big party that included a lot of family members, strangers and friends. There really wasn't much of the traditional stuff, since there was no wedding party, no bouquet, no garter (as far as I know), and no chicken dance. But, my brother Christopher and I both gave toasts to our brother Scott and his new wife Jennifer. I think I did a pretty good job--I was a bit more put together in my speech than Chris, but then, there's a reason why I'm an English major. I did feel bad though, since no one from Jennifer's side gave a toast to her. It seems like she really doesn't have any close female friends, and whatever male friends she had did not speak up, nor did any family members--I suppose she's kind of used to being on her own though as she is an only child.

Another interesting part of the evening was seeing a bunch of Chris and Scott's friends. Most of them I hadn't seen for at least a few years. One of them, John, who's wedding I attended a few years back with Mike (heck, Mike even danced with me--swing and mambo...if you can believe that!), was there with his wife. John came up to me, gave me a hug and complimented me and said I had to save him a dance. So later on, he came up and dragged me onto the dance floor. It was weird dancing with him, cuz he had this look like I knew that he thought I looked pretty good, and we always had this sort of strange picking on each other, slightly flirtatious friendship...so, I had this feeling like I had to keep my distance. Really not a big deal at all, I mean he's happily married and he's older than me, and it's not like anything ever would have happened or anything like that, but it was just weird seeing him see this older version of me. He even asked me, "Can I ask you something? When did you grow up?" That's kind of how I felt all night...like wow...I guess I really am an adult now.

This continued throughout the night when a couple of Scott's friends said hi and did a double take in recognizing me--it didn't help that I hadn't seen many of them for quite a while, and pretty much never on a formal occasion in which my hair was all done up and I was wearing a snazzy black dress with a big slit of the side and I had some makeup on and all that jazz. I found a little satisfaction in all that, even though they're all married--it's still nice to be recognized as a fairly good looking woman vs. an akward younger sister of a friend. One isn't married, and I don't think he's seeing anyone either, and I did have a crush on him when I was younger and used to see him more often cuz his parents are friends with my parents. Well, he (David) came with his parents to the wedding, so I talked with him a bit--he's Chris's age--and found out about where he's working and what he's doing in life. For most of the night, he stayed in the same place, with his parents or by himself, so that was kind of sad looking. I figured, I should dance with him at least once....it was weird thinking that I'm finally of the right age and in the right place to actually "make a move" and ask him to dance. Not that he's really a hottie or anything, and I really don't know him that well anymore--had not seen him for a few years--but it was just one of those opportunities I knew I should take.

However, I didn't get around to asking him...I just felt sort of embarrassed...plus there really weren't that many slow songs to be had. Anyway, eventually his mother came up to me and my friends and said that one of us should ask him to dance. I was not about to let this opportunity slip away (plus my friends are taken anyway) so I went up to him and said "Your mom told me not to take no for an answer" with a smirk on my face ;) Of course he could not refuse this offer, and we went out onto the dancefloor and danced for a short time. It was interesting to say the least. I mean, no big romantic sparks or anything like that, just interesting. I was going to be traditional and do the hand on shoulder, hand in hand thing, but he put his arms around my waist instead, so oh well. We talked while we danced, so it was a good way of getting to know him a bit better. And that was that. I wonder what he thought of the whole thing. I'm sure it must have been strange for him too, since I've been a kid to him for most of his life I think. He was always really quite nice to me though, and he even bought me a birthday present one year, which I still have. He's an artsy sort of guy, very unique. Perhaps he is the reason why I'm attracted to guys like that sometimes...I can think of one in particular who is quite similar to him in some regards...likes incense, rather skinny, tall, has unique decorations in his room, has some artistic talent, quiet sometimes, has that sort of pensive/thoughtful look....perhaps you can figure it out. Anyway, I knew David since I was born pretty much, so there's a definite possibility that there was some influence there.

Other than that, not much happened. I asked a random guy to dance after I introduced myself to him. His name is Craig and he's a pre-med student at UW-Milwaukee, a sophomore and friend to Jennifer. We danced for about 2.5 dances since they were the last dances of the evening and it was fun talking to him. But like the other dances, that was that, nothing real exciting, nothing came of it. The most fun I had was dancing with Jenny and Tricia--we really let loose sometimes...I love dancing at weddings when there's enough people on the dancefloor that you feel like you can do anything and you really just don't care. That's how I was even when there were just a few of us out there--I really didn't care what Jennifer's family thought or my family thought...I just tried to have a good time with my friends and enjoy seeing another brother happily married. There were a few brief moments of melancholy...after all, that's what weddings are about...someone has found happiness, and I was reminded of my loss. I was reminded of the last wedding I attended, when I met Scotty and when I was fresh from trying to get over my summer fling. And the big loss...I thought of the guy I thought for a long time that I was going to marry. That's the thing about weddings--they're a great time for the most part, but as happy as you are for the couple, if you don't have love...it's a sharp reminder of that fact.

However...then I kick my own ass and remind myself that I'm turning 22 on Thursday, so it's time to plan a party and have a good time and remmeber that I have a whole life in front of me, and that perhaps someday I will find love again, but until then, it's my job to make sure my life is fulfilling in and of itself. Which is why I'm making some grandiose plans for my future. This summer, I'm going to work hard to save up for my student teaching in London and the touring of Europe I plan to do right afterwards. I'm also going to finally buy a guitar and teach myself how to play it--which I should have time to do since my summer is going to be basically just working and not working. After I graduate and get back from Europe, I'm going to get a job--whether it be subbing or something to do with my writing, and I will save up money for my own place. That will be until that next fall, when I get my first real teaching job. I'll work somewhere for about a year or two, not sure where. I'm thinking perhaps Boston. Then I will get some $ gathered, and I will either remain in Boston if I really like it and try and get my masters degree while I'm there, perhaps even from Harvard. OR I might save up enough $ to move to England for a while, going to school there and working. I realize that would be expensive and I wouldn't save up much, but I really want to get my masters and perhaps my PhD from a really good school and studying English in England just seems like a good plan.

So those are my grandiose plans, which really, if I'm in the situation I'm in now, I do indeed plan on doing something like that. Life as it is now, would just be too boring if I got a job here in EC or in GB or wherever--I need to see things and do things. Perhaps that will change, bur right now, I know that would probably be the best idea for me. Anyway, so here's a massive blog to make up for the slacking off ;) Check ya later!

um, hm....I wanted to write something when I signed on...but now I'm not sure that I really do. Perhaps I should go to bed, and continue this blog tomorrow...yes, yes I should. Wow, what an uninformative blog this is. Oh well, deal with it. I'll be back soon ;)

first day....not necessarily off to the best start. I'll give you a synopsis....and it's only 1pm! I have 2 more classes....anyway, this is what's going down:

1. I can't park my car on campus cuz I cannot get a parking permit until I have a special need, like a job.
2. I plan on getting a job, but first I must apply for the jobs and get accepted for a job.
3. Which means, for the next couple weeks, my car is going to be across town.
4. I forgot my school id card at home....
5. So I can't get my books....the university bookstore says I either go get my old card or buy a new one...which is $10.
6. I say, hell no! (in my head that is)
7. No books for me...no homework for me....well, some I can do by going to the library and checking a book out....hopefully they'll let me without my blugold card :P

So yeah...I bought a fruit smoothie and now have vented....perhaps things will look up. Well, there is also the thing that the flirty hottie who went on the boston trip with me, who is also married, was in my first class today. ::slap:: I have to NOT think of him like that...grrr, why my class? why?! ::sigh:: oh well, I've learned not to be surprised by much anymore.

I'm back in EC and it feels pretty good to be here. It'll be an adjustment I'm sure--especially since I need to go try to find a job tomorrow--we'll see how well that works :P But I have to get a job soon so that, not only can I earn some $, but I can also try and get a parking permit this semester, since my other one ran out. Otherwise, it'll be a long semester of juggling my car between places like Heidi's apt. parking lot, the street by Mandy, and the meters here on campus. Such is life. But I am glad to be back at school where things tend to make a LITTLE more sense at least. And going out to dinner with friends last night was a great sending off--I'll have to make sure I keep in better touch with Amy and Geoff...they're great people to hang out with. Anyways, time to get things arranged in my room. Later!

thanks dudes, I feel better :) And you know, it's amazing how thereputic (sp?) buying body spray, fun underwear, and a LOTR calendar can be...and also seeing LOTR: The Two Towers again. :) ::sigh:: Legolas can stop by anytime...and so can Aragorn--if he takes a shower first.

friends, I need your help, I really do. I feel wretched, horrible. If there's anything you can do to just....I don't know. Maybe I just need to jet out of GB sooner...something....I just want to crawl in a little hole and not come out.

back to square one. I swear, I'm fucking cursed, plagued, doomed to failure, I don't know what it is about me. Good ole Scotty, yeah....good ole Scotty. I wondered what was up...I had a feeling..but I didn't know...I decided tonight that after bowling and chilling with Jenni and Chad and Jenny and Chris, that since I was driving directly past the Lazy Gecko, I'd stop in and here Scotty play. Yeah, great idea Katie. So I do. And so I sit for a while, writing on napkins, until he's done and is done doing some socializing. And then, we talk and stuff and it's all nice. And then, he just sort of throws something in there--"I have to tell you something." I say, "yeah?" he says, "I met someone" ...........my mind just reeled... FUCK!!!! yeah, fuck, he fucking met someone in the last couple weeks, which explains why he didn't want me to stop by and see him this weekend. And it explained why he didn't call. I thought just maybe this would work. And....then this. after he told me I just looked away and sat there a moment or two. I said, well, I guess that explains a few things. and I asked him when it was. He told me. And then I said, before New Years?! and he said no. I said, well, I guess it's good that I kept my mouth shut then. He said, why is that? I said, there were a few words I kept wanting to say the last time I saw him. And I said, now those words will be for someone else. ANd then I said, I have to go, and I turned and walked out without looking back until I was in the car driving away. I didn't see him. He can go on a drinking binge now, go have fun Scotty with your pal who swung danced with me--dont' ask where that came in, but his friend Ryan and I were talking about dancing and he asked if I'd dance the next swing song that came on the radio and I said, fine, so we did. I wasn't too great, but oh well. It was the only good part of the evening. I was already in a sour mood when I got to the bar. when I got to my car, I threw my stuff in, and drove off speedily--I slowed down shortly after, but it's always important to drive off in a hurry in such cases. This I know from experience. And when I was driving, I was screaming. FUCK and all sorts of other explitives. That fucker....dammit....he was the closest thing I had to a boyfriend...the closest person to being someone I could love, the person I was hoping to really have a chance with. And he's turned out to be just another person on the list who's fucked me over. Not that I'm comletely a victim, I mean, it's not like he and I were in a commitment...I knew it could happen....I just hoped it wouldn't. hope....dammit. I'm always risking my feelings, always taking those opportunities I see when it comes to trying to fall in love. And through it all, the only person I've ever really experienced love with, is still Mike. All this last year, and all I have to show for it is failure after failure in love. I know I need to be well adjusted on my own and be happy through my own life and not be dependent on someone else. But you know, if love wasn't something wonderful to experience, not so many people would be looking for it, including me. I've been there...and I'd like to be back there. I don't NEED it, but, you know, it would be nice. So yeah, a great start to my semester. Time to hit the books and get a job and work and forget about men....since I have not yet met one that hasn't somehow added to the fucked-up-ness of my life. So here's to girls and friends and family. And here's to the new year.

and the frustrating thing, I wouldn't have even started liking him if it weren't for his efforts....dang it all :P

a song from Kiss Me Kate comes to mind....."I hate MEN! I can't abide them even now and then...."

Yep, I'm back from Aruba safe and sound--thank you pilots and drivers and all of the forces at work in the universe. It was a super awesome week and it feels like it went by too fast for me to even fathom that I was there. I tried absorbing some short moments and those are the ones that stick out the most for me, though they may not sound exciting:

*observing different types of lizards/iguanas climbing up and down palm trees, walking in the gardens and eating bread crusts in the bushes as I watched from my balcony with a view of the ocean and beaches and palm trees spread before me

*sitting on the beach, with a book in my hands, listening to the people next to me speaking in the native language Papiamento and feeling the sun slowly warm me from toes to head

*watching the waves crash into the rocky shoreline on the other side of the island where the wind is stronger and there is nothing else around but rocks, sand, dirt, and some scattered cactus....and ATV trails of course

*basically "giving away" my brother at his civil wedding ceremony in downtown Oranjestad...it was a serious and almost melancholy moment for me, though I am happy he is in love and enjoying it

*walking the beach at night in a nice flowing silk skirt, barefoot in the shallowest part of the water and looking up at a different view of the stars

Those are just a few somber yet good moments during the trip. There were plenty of more "exciting" ones:
*ATVing all over the rugged parts of the island
*seeing a sea turtle swimming along as I'm floating in the air during parasailing
*swinging into the ocean on a rope off the back of small cruise ship at night (it was supervised and encouraged by the crew so it wasn't like I just jumped off the ship for the heck of it)
*trying tons of new kinds of food and drinks
*winning $81 at the casinos--my first time gambling ;)
*my first flights--awesome views from the window seat of cities, mountains, islands, rivers, etc.

I know I'm going back there, next time with a special someone, though I do not yet know who that special someone will be. There were plenty of moments when that song by Incubus "Wish You Were Here" played through my mind. As great a trip as it was, there were times when I felt a little out of place, being young and "alone." However, overall it was a terrific experience and I am SO grateful for my brother, my parents, my bro's in-laws, and my cousin for helping me out with $ and such, making it possible for me to feel at ease and enjoy all these experiences I didn't think I would have until years to come. I truly am very lucky. And I have a stamp in my passport :) Happy days, oh yes, happy days. Now if I could only get my life in order, things would be just ducky ;)

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! ;)

Tomorrow's the day :) Aruba here I come! I can't believe I'm actually going...it's a little hard to accept. But I'm definately looking forward to it--the first time I'll be leaving the continent. And the first time flying...it'll be interesting I'm sure. I can't write much now, cuz I have to get to bed and all that, but I hope you all are well. See you when I get back! :)