back to square one. I swear, I'm fucking cursed, plagued, doomed to failure, I don't know what it is about me. Good ole Scotty, yeah....good ole Scotty. I wondered what was up...I had a feeling..but I didn't know...I decided tonight that after bowling and chilling with Jenni and Chad and Jenny and Chris, that since I was driving directly past the Lazy Gecko, I'd stop in and here Scotty play. Yeah, great idea Katie. So I do. And so I sit for a while, writing on napkins, until he's done and is done doing some socializing. And then, we talk and stuff and it's all nice. And then, he just sort of throws something in there--"I have to tell you something." I say, "yeah?" he says, "I met someone" ...........my mind just reeled... FUCK!!!! yeah, fuck, he fucking met someone in the last couple weeks, which explains why he didn't want me to stop by and see him this weekend. And it explained why he didn't call. I thought just maybe this would work. And....then this. after he told me I just looked away and sat there a moment or two. I said, well, I guess that explains a few things. and I asked him when it was. He told me. And then I said, before New Years?! and he said no. I said, well, I guess it's good that I kept my mouth shut then. He said, why is that? I said, there were a few words I kept wanting to say the last time I saw him. And I said, now those words will be for someone else. ANd then I said, I have to go, and I turned and walked out without looking back until I was in the car driving away. I didn't see him. He can go on a drinking binge now, go have fun Scotty with your pal who swung danced with me--dont' ask where that came in, but his friend Ryan and I were talking about dancing and he asked if I'd dance the next swing song that came on the radio and I said, fine, so we did. I wasn't too great, but oh well. It was the only good part of the evening. I was already in a sour mood when I got to the bar. when I got to my car, I threw my stuff in, and drove off speedily--I slowed down shortly after, but it's always important to drive off in a hurry in such cases. This I know from experience. And when I was driving, I was screaming. FUCK and all sorts of other explitives. That fucker....dammit....he was the closest thing I had to a boyfriend...the closest person to being someone I could love, the person I was hoping to really have a chance with. And he's turned out to be just another person on the list who's fucked me over. Not that I'm comletely a victim, I mean, it's not like he and I were in a commitment...I knew it could happen....I just hoped it wouldn't. hope....dammit. I'm always risking my feelings, always taking those opportunities I see when it comes to trying to fall in love. And through it all, the only person I've ever really experienced love with, is still Mike. All this last year, and all I have to show for it is failure after failure in love. I know I need to be well adjusted on my own and be happy through my own life and not be dependent on someone else. But you know, if love wasn't something wonderful to experience, not so many people would be looking for it, including me. I've been there...and I'd like to be back there. I don't NEED it, but, you know, it would be nice. So yeah, a great start to my semester. Time to hit the books and get a job and work and forget about men....since I have not yet met one that hasn't somehow added to the fucked-up-ness of my life. So here's to girls and friends and family. And here's to the new year.