Thoughts to Ponder

Parties with free food and drinks are cool.
The world is smaller than we think.
All we have is now.
If I was left on a desert island and had to pick one cereal to eat for months, it would be Honey Nut Cheerios.
Small children are fascinating.
$25 gift certificates for Caribou Coffee are meant to be spent.
I want a puppy, but not as a trainer baby, damn it.
Gongs are cool.

DDR and Other Devolpments

This week has been a good and bad for many reasons, but overall I give it maybe a 60% good rating.

Good Things This Week:
*Got the chance to hang out with Jenni, Jenny, Tricia, Trevor, Erin, Lance (and Lily), Civi Mike, Jesus Chris, and random other people who were cool.
*Had car fixed up so it is in tip-top shape for Texas trip.
*Finally bought some foam mats to put on the floor under the DDR mats and over a big rug so that the basement is now ready for DDR anytime (and have taken advantage of that 3 times thus far).
*Spent a nice early Christmas dinner with Chris's family.
*As of Friday, I have been and will be on Winter Break for 2 weeks.
*We're going to visit Scott, Jennifer, Soleil, and Ty in a few days--my first official ROAD TRIP!
*Last Saturday we saw Heiruspecs at their CD Release party...that was a sweet concert.
*My students surprised me with food and cake twice.
*I got a sweet haircut...but have no pics of it yet.
*I blogged again!
*Chris got A's on both of his grad classes.
*I stopped being sick.
*Went bowling and didn't do completely shitty.

Bad Things This Week:
*Getting maintenance on my car cost $1050. Not cool.
*Chris's car needed a tow and a new battery...another $200.
*I didn't catch up on work at all, so now I have a bag full of grading that must get done in less than 3 weeks or I'm screwed.
*Shoveling 6+ inches of snow blows.
*It's f-ing cold here.
*Didn't get the 12 times in at the gym for the month.
*Ate a bunch of really bad-for-me food. (Haven't done much to lower my cholesterol which I think I need to do since my blood lab results last week.)
*Still have more Christmas shopping to do.
*Blender stopped working.

Despite some setbacks, it's been a good week, and I'm really excited about this upcoming week.

Good things to come:
Monday: Chris's work holiday party--free snacks, free dinner, free drinks, music, games, and prizes! (unless the recession has changed things since last year)
Tuesday: Probably shopping with Tricia and Erin...or going on my own. (Note to self: Must buy a microwave and possibly a blender)
Wednesday: Relaxing, packing, cleaning, wrapping presents. Also, Christmas Eve celebration just husband and wife, exchanging presents and enjoying my favorite night of the year.
Thursday: Christmas Day family get-together for Chris's extended family. Also, MIGHT begin road trip to Texas late that night.
Friday: Definitely on the road in early morning en route to Texas.
Saturday: Arrive in Texas.
Sunday-following Friday: Hang out in Texas.
Friday some time: Drive back to MN.

It will be a busy break, but it should be a blast, especially if we bring some rockin music with us, which will probably be our highest priority for packing, sadly. How will a 15 hour + drive be with just my hubby and the open road? I shall find out!

Don't BS a BSer

I no longer worry about whether or not I will update on time for this blog. It is a sad realization, but a true one, nonetheless. I started this blog years ago, and it certainly has run through the gauntlet of time. I'm happy with the way it has developed over the years in its format, but a bit saddened by the slow deterioration of my writing. Were all of my blog entries that creative back "in the day"? No. But I did try to be fun and creative, and I also used this blog as an outlet for my feelings, ranging from minor frustration, to rage, to utter bliss. Considering how the internet has become a place where anonymity is becoming less and less possible (or of interest to most people), it's probably a good thing that I don't use my blog in that manner much anymore. Ah, but there were some good old fashioned rants. I'm sure some have found them greatly amusing. As for me, I look back and see a slow yet sure development of personality. Maybe my writing skills have slacked since I don't regularly utilize my creative writing skills, but I'd like to think that my strength and spirit have grown.

Yeah, I know this sounds pretty lame overall. But considering the sorts of crap I've written in the past, who gives a damn if this is lame? Speaking of KRAP...it'd be nice to write another entry like that again sometime. I'll have to see if I can come up with a good topic. Maybe it will be something about the holidays. That could be festive.

You know what the frustrating thing is? As much as I have matured over the years, there are things that I will probably never outgrow. Oh, I know that can be a good thing. I mean, I pity the poor fools that "outgrow" their imaginations and child-like curiosity of the world. More of what I'm talking about is old habits and crutches that I fall back on too often. For instance, I doubt that I'll ever get a full handle on my procrastination. I have no idea why, but apparently I enjoy that weakness of mine and will never shake it. Another example: bingeing. Now, I don't really mean food, although I suppose that happens now and then. I'm talking about how I will get on a kick for something hard core for a while, and then I just drop it like it never happened. Examples: knitting, karate, running, organizing various parts of the house, playing video games, reading books, listening to a new band, etc. I could go into detail, but at this point, I'm just happy I'm taking the time to blog...another thing I used to be hard core about.

And then there's the self-destructive thoughts--the ones that just don't get me anywhere. There's the thoughts about the past, which do no good since there's no way to change anything and I am who I am because of what I did and what happened. I should be happy things have gone so well so far. And then there's the thoughts of the future, which mostly overwhelm me. I can't think of one bit of the future without the whole thing flooding over me and confounding me into non-action. Grad school? Children? House? Job? What career path do I want? Which is the right school for me? Would I be willing to leave the Twin Cities if I had to? Can I stand staying at the same school for another year or more? With the job market so bleak, shouldn't I be clinging to what I have and working my ass off to keep it? Would I be a good parent? Will I ever be ready to have children? Will I feel satisfied if I decide not to have children?

It's like, I want a guidance counselor for my life. Just tell me what I would be best at doing. Give me a special test that shows my job satisfaction, my capabilities, my interests, and all the possible careers that I could be qualified for. And what I really mean is, as I progress and advance from being a classroom teacher, not to just abandon what I've done. Should I try to write curriculum? Should I try to work for a district? Should I try to be more of a team leader? Should I try to teach at the college level? Should I try to do research? Should I write? Am I a good writer? God, this stuff just plagues me.

As I said, when I think of one thing I just get bombared with thought after thought, wonder after wonder: What if...? What should...? How can...? And it just doesn't help anything at all except to add stress where stress already exists in a much more tangible fashion. Besides, Chris already is dealing with these things on his own, given that he's looking for full time work, works part time for hours he doesn't enjoy, and is currently taking grad school classes for a career path he's not 100% sure of. At least he's proactive. Me, I can complain about it, but when it comes to taking action, I'm too afraid to do the wrong thing or just feel so overwhelmed that I do nothing at all, which is just stupid.

So what am I doing about it? Blogging. Wonderful. Give me a f-ing medal.

Alright, just to throw you a positive bone, these are some things to BRIGHTEN your day:

*I got my first sewing machine for Xmas! (Maybe some day I will take the time to learn to use it.)
*I finally saw Casino Royale a couple weeks ago and then the next day went to see Quantum of Solace. That was rad.
*Chris bought me new DDR mats so I can play DDR again! And once I clean up the basement, I can make myself a special area so I can actually play DDR without fear of making the ceiling fall down on my downstairs neighbor.
*The new middle school English teacher is nice and we can actually hang out sometimes and relate on a professional level. Rock.
*And I'm still happily married to a man that shares in listening to music I love, watching movies that make me laugh, hanging out with awesome friends, and making me feel like none of the frustrating things listed up above are worth worrying about.

I'll be back.

This entry is dedicated to Tricia and Jenni.

Enjoy this.

To make up for lost months...

Sorry, but be prepared for a full on stream-of-consciousness rant.

I'm in a very sappy mood and listening to music that played at my wedding. Watching three movies either about Jane Austen or based on her novels in the last few days will do that to you. Not getting enough sleep and having stressful days at work will also have you thinking sentimentally.

I'm not complaining. I love my job. I love that my colleagues and supervisors think highly enough of my abilities to entrust me with responsibilities. I just don't love it that at least 12 hours of my day are taken up by my job.

I know that I can say "No." But I can't bring myself to it. Earlier this week, I had a much more personal epiphany: I am just like my brothers.

My oldest brother works 3 jobs to support his family. Every time I've asked him about it and wondered why he doesn't back off on his hours and insist that his wife pick up a part time job, he assures me that he likes what he's doing. He is a teacher, a tutor, and a manager at a fast food restaurant.

My second oldest brother has been working as a sort of "plant manager" for a major packaging corporation. His job has supplied him with a blackberry so he can get tens of emails and calls every day, even after he has "punched out" for the day. When I went to visit him in the fall, half the weekend was spent with him either at work, on the computer, on his phone, or talking with work colleagues.

And me. What am I? I certainly make less than both of my brothers. I also do not have a family to support. So why work so much? I just don't know. Teaching demands a lot of time, effort, and heart. It sounds lame, but it's so true. I give something of myself every day, even when I think sometimes I just hate my students, I still give them more. I can't stop giving.

No, I'm not an exceptional teacher. I feel far under qualified for that designation. But what is driving me? To be an excellent teacher? To be more? While my oldest brother has nearly completed his masters degree even while balancing family and jobs, I have not yet begun my post-bachelor education. I also haven't really even thought seriously about renewing my license, even though it expires in June 2010. It always seemed so far away. Now it's just two years.

I've been a teacher now for four years. I keep pleading with myself and others that I'm just a new teacher; I have so much to learn and am not ready for all of the things that are thrown at me. Today I mentioned that to an older and wiser teacher while we worked together to run a graduation rehearsal. I said, "What am I doing here? Shouldn't some other more experienced teacher by running this? When did I become a senior teacher?"

It is rather ridiculous. At most other schools, I'd be still quite low on the totem pole, with many hands and minds to guide me. But with my school being so small and so young, I've been pushed toward...no, strike that. Honestly, I've sought out a position of power. Does that make sense? Why would I wish more work?!

I blame it on my family's work ethic and on Girl Scouts. My family's motto would probably to always try my hardest and they will always be proud. As for Girl Scouts, I was always taught to leave things better than the way I found them. I'm fairly certain they were talking about cleaning the latrines and picking up litter, but apparently I've taken it as a maxim for fixing the world.

And what good can I do? What good have I done? So far, I've managed to do a barely passable job at sending two senior classes out into the real world. As hard as I tried and felt like I was doing right, I still feel like I failed to prepare them for the competitive society. The rest of the students, well, I guess I have at least one more year to try again.

Anything else? I suppose I did start an online school newspaper, but it's pretty bogus because I haven't managed to get even the second edition published. It's been finished for a month, but I just haven't taken the time to fix the one glitch in the image for the link bar buttons. I meant to have Chad check on my html stuff when he was visiting the newspaper class as a guest speaker, but I forgot. I guess there's better luck this summer and next year, but I still feel like I've been a less than mediocre editor-in-chief.

Hm...I suppose there is a sort of "library" now that I'm there. My school has no library and no media specialist. I guess I'm it, but with a full load of teaching, that means I do a half-assed job. I have a few hundred books that I've contributed through garage sales, used book stores, and my own collection, which I've stuck on two bookcases in my classroom. The students sign out the books in a binder. That's supposed to hold them responsible. Problem is, I'm too damn busy to check on the progress of it, so I forget to follow up on students to hold them accountable for missing books. ::sigh:: I'll probably lose at least 20 books this year. As it is, I lost at least 2 hardcover Harry Potter books. I'm not buying them again, used or not.

It's my second year at the same school. It's supposed to be EASIER! And yet, I feel more overwhelmed than ever. Seriously, my house would look like complete shit if Chris wasn't putting 4/5 of the effort to hold it together. (He probably does more like 9/10 of the work.) I feel like I'm working more hours and teaching more crap. My lessons are less inventive and I'm using more worksheets and doing more essays. What happened to the dream? When did it become all about this pressure; this constant pressure to get those kids to learn EVERYTHING they need to know and to have ALL the skills they need to succeed? Why isn't as fun? Why do I care so much?

God, I sound like such a full-of-myself whiner. I'm not that good; not that kind hearted. I just feel so much more pressure now. I keep wanting to improve my lessons, and I feel I'm not being difficult enough--I'm not challenging them enough. But what the F do they want from me? I'm already putting in 8am-7pm days most days of the week. That leaves 4-5 hours of "free time." It sounds like a lot from this perspective, but when I'm staring down the clock, those minutes fly by...and I haven't even played video games for two months. What the hell have I done?

Alright. My mind is clearer now. Positives?

*Over 90% of my students don't hate me and I don't think any of the staff hates me.
*I really enjoy coming up with creative lessons (when I give myself time).
*I really enjoy being "on stage" every day when I'm teaching.
*I've learned a hell of a lot about teaching, literature, classroom management, and administrative duties.
*I made my own website.
*I do get holidays off and will have 3 weeks off in June before summer school starts.
*I just might have "reached" a few students this year.
*Chris hasn't left me yet despite his constant burden of being married to a teacher.
*I get my own "office" with two big windows and it can hold 50 people easily.
*If I get my masters degree (and I do plan to start on that track this fall), I can make a few more thousand dollars a year...so maybe in a few years I can start earning a livable wage, eh?

(On a side note, it is sort of sad how most of our country pities teachers for not having a high enough salary, but the most that's ever done with it is Jeff Foxworthy "You might be a teacher if" jokes and discounts at craft stores and book stores. And it is also sad that many people ignore the fact that people who work in other social services fields also get shit pay, but with no discounts or "Oh, you're a teacher" pity looks.)

Reacquainting Myself with Jane

I just had one of those "Duh" moments. For years I had this knowledge but didn't put two and two together until tonight. Here's my should-have-realized-this-years-ago epiphany:

The movie Clueless is based almost entirely on Jane Austen's Emma.

There you have it. It only took the English major/teacher ten years to figure it out.

Working Towards Resolutions

Alright, here are my "New Year's Resolutions" to be accomplished in no particular order and with only a half-assed intention of following through on all of them--I more expect to actually accomplish some of them, but not all. That's better than nothing, I suppose.

Physical Health
1. Keep going to karate class regularly. Aside from running and biking, this is the only exercise that I have found I really enjoy. It really puts my endurance, strength and flexibility to the test, and it's about time I put those aspects of my body to the test. I probably won't run regularly anymore--my knees are becoming a problem. But that's another resolution.

2. Start using the exercise bikes at the Y. It's not likely that I'm going to become a 4 season biker, but I think I can handle indoor cycling during these cold, messy months. It will also help strengthen some key muscle groups I need to work on, and I also won't suck so bad at biking in the spring.

3. Do some strength training around my problem areas--mostly my knees. I went to the doctor and she said I could either quit the strenuous activity or I could do some exercises to strengthen that area. Considering that karate is the first physical "sport" that I seem to be okay at and actually like, I don't think I'll be quitting anytime soon. Besides, I still have to wear that gi (after my mom hems it for me).

4. Eat less shit. For a while I was doing really well, eating more fresh produce and less fried foods. Lately I've been going out too often and taking shortcuts when making dinner instead of cooking full course meals that offer all the food groups. No more of that! Okay, well, less of that anyway. It's hard to eat right when I'm not home a lot.

5. Sleep better. I've been doing a better job at going to bed at a more reasonable hour (except tonight, I suppose), but I still need to try to do this more regularly. That way, I get up a little earlier, get to work earlier, and feel less disorganized and stressed when I get to work. Even an extra 15 minutes can make a big difference.

5. Don't sleep right away when I go to bed. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed during the work week that I don't take the time to "exercise" a little before I go to sleep. So, I'm going to try to, you know, "exercise" more often.

Mental Health
1. Work less! Somehow I have to either become more efficient or care about work less. Probably I will have to do a little of both. Naturally, it helps when I actually do more than 20 min of work on the weekend. Still, there's a time for work and a time for play, and right now I'm getting very little play time. In all aspects.

2. Write more! I seriously need to take more time to journal, write poetry/stories, and blog. It doesn't matter much to me which I do, as long as I take the time in some media to express my ideas in writing, not just speaking.

3. Read more! I'm sick of reading the same old crap. Right now the most I've been reading is the news online. While it is good to stay informed, my brain needs escape and to think about things more metaphysically at times--I need fantasy, adventure, mystery, and other genres to keep my imagination alive.

Spiritual Health
Honestly, my spirituality lately has been mostly a joke. For all I've done to develop and express myself spiritually, I may as well call myself an atheist. But I'm not an atheist, nor am I Christian or any other major religion. If I'm really going to call myself spiritual, but not religious, I need to take time to do some spiritual things.

This is hard to explain if you don't know me well enough to know my thoughts and ideas when it comes to my "faith," but here's sort of what I mean:

1. Meditate--I don't necessarily need to sit with a candle and stare at a wall for a half hour while sitting crosslegged and humming to myself. What I do mean is that I need to allow myself to sit or lay quietly for a while, with no other distractions, and just allow myself to clear my mind and exist for a while. Not to worry about all of the things I need to do, but to just let myself be myself and enjoy the fact that I am alive and breathing.

2. Appreciate nature--I always say that one of my major beliefs is in the "specialness" of nature. I can see the spiritual or divine in the beauty and wonder of nature. Well, if that is true, how come I spend so little time outside, or even looking outside. Despite the fact that it's friggen cold here, I need to take the time to go for a walk, observe my surroundings outside my window, stop at a park, or even do something cliche like watch the sunset or sunrise. I spend way too much time stuffed indoors and completely insular.

3. Help others--One thing I believe that all people should do is to do their utmost to be kind to others. That's simply a humanist thing. One could say I help others for a living, but I think sometimes I forget to be more kind when I leave work. I get so burned out from teaching that I don't feel like reaching out at all in my community. I'm not saying I'm planning to join a volunteer organization (I simply have no time for that at this point), but there are some activities and little, short things I could do in my neighborhood, even, such as stop at a block meeting or meet my neighbors more.

I'm sure there's some other things I should do. But I'm pretty sure half the things on the list are already not going to happen, so why add more?

Good Intentions

I think my brain is starting to fry. I spend so much of it doing work that I can't concentrate well on anything else during the week. Of course, blogging has definitely taken a back seat, as has using Facebook or MySpace. At the beginning of the year, I had such good intentions to blog more and make up some resolutions and shit. Not really a big surprise that I didn't. Sadly, work has just sucked up my life. The truly sad part is that I like it. I mean, I love it.

No, I am not a workaholic. Well, I don't think I am anyway. Are workaholics self aware? Despite my passion for teaching (though definitely not the office work or grading) I'm still being social, and I suppose that's the other part of the problem. Combine work with a social life, and I get just a couple hours a day for myself, if I'm lucky. That's necessarily a bad thing, except that it makes things a little stressful sometimes. Still, it's nice to hang out with people I don't typically see that often.

For instance, it's still f-ing awesome that Jenni is in town now. We don't live that close, but Jenni makes a really good effort in driving up here to hang out, even on week nights. I'll have to get down there soon. I'm trying to get a lot of time in with Karin too, since she'll be moving down to Madison after her wedding in mid-April.

Here are some things on the bright side:

• I finally finished putting together the online school newspaper. It's not online yet, due to having to wait for the tech guy to meet with me. I'll let you know when it's done. I would post about it, but I prefer not having the whole world know where I work.
• I'm still rocking karate class at the YWCA. I probably couldn't kick anyone's ass YET, but Chris did get my a gi for my birthday :)
• The Christmas tree is still up. I guess the tradition continues. Now it's a Valentine's Day tree.
• I have reestablished old ties--I now can play Super Mario World on the SNES again! Yay for used game stores! (And losing games I KNOW I own totally sucks)

That's about all I can think of for now. If I don't post now, I'll never post this year.