Don't BS a BSer

I no longer worry about whether or not I will update on time for this blog. It is a sad realization, but a true one, nonetheless. I started this blog years ago, and it certainly has run through the gauntlet of time. I'm happy with the way it has developed over the years in its format, but a bit saddened by the slow deterioration of my writing. Were all of my blog entries that creative back "in the day"? No. But I did try to be fun and creative, and I also used this blog as an outlet for my feelings, ranging from minor frustration, to rage, to utter bliss. Considering how the internet has become a place where anonymity is becoming less and less possible (or of interest to most people), it's probably a good thing that I don't use my blog in that manner much anymore. Ah, but there were some good old fashioned rants. I'm sure some have found them greatly amusing. As for me, I look back and see a slow yet sure development of personality. Maybe my writing skills have slacked since I don't regularly utilize my creative writing skills, but I'd like to think that my strength and spirit have grown.

Yeah, I know this sounds pretty lame overall. But considering the sorts of crap I've written in the past, who gives a damn if this is lame? Speaking of KRAP...it'd be nice to write another entry like that again sometime. I'll have to see if I can come up with a good topic. Maybe it will be something about the holidays. That could be festive.

You know what the frustrating thing is? As much as I have matured over the years, there are things that I will probably never outgrow. Oh, I know that can be a good thing. I mean, I pity the poor fools that "outgrow" their imaginations and child-like curiosity of the world. More of what I'm talking about is old habits and crutches that I fall back on too often. For instance, I doubt that I'll ever get a full handle on my procrastination. I have no idea why, but apparently I enjoy that weakness of mine and will never shake it. Another example: bingeing. Now, I don't really mean food, although I suppose that happens now and then. I'm talking about how I will get on a kick for something hard core for a while, and then I just drop it like it never happened. Examples: knitting, karate, running, organizing various parts of the house, playing video games, reading books, listening to a new band, etc. I could go into detail, but at this point, I'm just happy I'm taking the time to blog...another thing I used to be hard core about.

And then there's the self-destructive thoughts--the ones that just don't get me anywhere. There's the thoughts about the past, which do no good since there's no way to change anything and I am who I am because of what I did and what happened. I should be happy things have gone so well so far. And then there's the thoughts of the future, which mostly overwhelm me. I can't think of one bit of the future without the whole thing flooding over me and confounding me into non-action. Grad school? Children? House? Job? What career path do I want? Which is the right school for me? Would I be willing to leave the Twin Cities if I had to? Can I stand staying at the same school for another year or more? With the job market so bleak, shouldn't I be clinging to what I have and working my ass off to keep it? Would I be a good parent? Will I ever be ready to have children? Will I feel satisfied if I decide not to have children?

It's like, I want a guidance counselor for my life. Just tell me what I would be best at doing. Give me a special test that shows my job satisfaction, my capabilities, my interests, and all the possible careers that I could be qualified for. And what I really mean is, as I progress and advance from being a classroom teacher, not to just abandon what I've done. Should I try to write curriculum? Should I try to work for a district? Should I try to be more of a team leader? Should I try to teach at the college level? Should I try to do research? Should I write? Am I a good writer? God, this stuff just plagues me.

As I said, when I think of one thing I just get bombared with thought after thought, wonder after wonder: What if...? What should...? How can...? And it just doesn't help anything at all except to add stress where stress already exists in a much more tangible fashion. Besides, Chris already is dealing with these things on his own, given that he's looking for full time work, works part time for hours he doesn't enjoy, and is currently taking grad school classes for a career path he's not 100% sure of. At least he's proactive. Me, I can complain about it, but when it comes to taking action, I'm too afraid to do the wrong thing or just feel so overwhelmed that I do nothing at all, which is just stupid.

So what am I doing about it? Blogging. Wonderful. Give me a f-ing medal.

Alright, just to throw you a positive bone, these are some things to BRIGHTEN your day:

*I got my first sewing machine for Xmas! (Maybe some day I will take the time to learn to use it.)
*I finally saw Casino Royale a couple weeks ago and then the next day went to see Quantum of Solace. That was rad.
*Chris bought me new DDR mats so I can play DDR again! And once I clean up the basement, I can make myself a special area so I can actually play DDR without fear of making the ceiling fall down on my downstairs neighbor.
*The new middle school English teacher is nice and we can actually hang out sometimes and relate on a professional level. Rock.
*And I'm still happily married to a man that shares in listening to music I love, watching movies that make me laugh, hanging out with awesome friends, and making me feel like none of the frustrating things listed up above are worth worrying about.