Changing

Lately I just suck. No journal writing. No blogging. No myspace updates. Few phone calls to out-of-town friends. Even fewer phone calls to family. No exercise.

What have I been doing lately? Work, work, work. And not even productively. I've been reading novels that I'll be teaching, sure, but is my grading up to date? nope. Are my lessons well-planned? Hardly. I feel like I have no spare time, and yet the time I have isn't used to its fullest.

Geez, even my writing sucks today. I see friends have blogged and remodeled and lost inches. And what do I have to show for myself? Not enough. Sure, I'm busy and stressed, but I can still get stuff done if I have the motivation. But it's harder to have the motivation when I just don't care.

When I've had the free time, I've just been sitting back and enjoying it. Let's go shopping! Let's watch my favorite TV shows! Let's eat out! Let's hang out with friends! Let's read a novel! Let's have a wonderful discussion! Let's take a nap! Let's play a game!

All those things are wonderfully fun, but they keep me from using my time for some other healthy activities. But you know, aside from needing to lose a few pounds, what really bothers me the most is losing some connections with friends. Blogging doesn't solve anything, but it's the only journaling I feel like doing right now. And right now I feel the need to vent my frustrations with the changing tide of frienships.

I love all the friends I've made throughout my life and hold each one dear to my heart. That's why it's so difficult for me when I feel like I'm losing touch with any of them. Even with years of adjustment, it's still a sore spot that Jenny W. chose a new life without her old friends, including her once "best friend" who seemed to have such a strong connection. And I always feel a little embarassed when I come across a friend I know I could email or call now and then but with changing cities and lifestyles, have just sort of let go. But when it's friends that just seem hard to reach that were once considered close?

Those are the ones that you wonder, what more could I do? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I being too needy? Am I being unreasonable? Do I seem unapproachable? Have I changed so much? Is life so busy and difficult for them that all friendships must be put on hold, or just mine?

It's those times I appreciate those friends who have gone out of their way, time and time again, to spend time with me and others, and have shown me just how special their friendship really is. I love my friends, and am so happy to have those few that have come through for me year after year, despite the changes in our lives. I suppose it's unreasonable to think that every friendship can survive those trials. I'm sure it is.

But that doesn't make me miss them less.