Family Portrait Reflected in a Mirror

For a few days this week I went to my parents' house to help my mom go through boxes upon boxes of items from my grandma's house. (A couple weeks ago she moved into a retirement home so my parents needed to empty her house to sell it). My parents' garage and basement were full of everything from dressers, pots and pans, jewelry, antique dishware, to boxes of bran cereal and smelly old sheets. Realize that my grandmother had been living in the same house for her entire life and the house belonged to her parents...that creates a shite-load of accumulation.

The sorting of what to keep, what to give away, and what to sell took us almost 3 days, and that’s after my parents already went through some of it. It was a real backache. If I hadn’t helped, it would have taken twice as long—my dad, the pack rat, is not so good at throwing things away. I also needed to go through and figure out what items I would like to keep, as I am the only granddaughter.

Naturally, being the only granddaughter also has its benefits. Sure, my brothers and sisters-in-law will take some of the stuff, but for things like jewelry and other keepsakes, I get first dibs. I’m so glad that grandma is still alive and doing okay, though. I’d much rather be going through old cards and keepsakes knowing I can share memories with my grandma and talk with her about them, than just thinking how each item is something she won’t see again.

Still, it’s hard watching her deteriorate. She’s always been a strong-willed woman, living on her own, stubborn, a worrier, with favorite pastimes of cleaning and shopping. Not exactly a thrill-seeker, but she had been very independent. Now it is difficult to hold a conversation with her. She forgets words and gets confused sometimes. And her hearing aids haven’t been working that well, so I have to talk fairly loudly and simply to make sure she understands what I’m saying. At least we can still have pleasant conversations, just not very deep ones. I just wish I had been a little older when she was a little younger so that I could know her better. In college, it was hard thinking about family when school and friends took priority. And before that, I really didn’t have the idea that my grandma was that interesting nor the thought that she would be gone someday.

Her life hasn’t been easy and her personality hasn’t always been easy to get along with. She’s not into playing games or reading and didn’t really bring up topics to talk about. Most of the time, we’d be in the living room chatting or watching CNN. All she’d really watch is the news, which would repeat all day. A young person gets bored with all that. I wonder, maybe next time I visit her, I’ll bring a photo album and talk with her about some of it. I’ve seen Chris show his great-grandma pictures, and it gives her something to see and gives both of them something to talk about. Hopefully my grandma’s vision is good enough for it.

On the bright side, she seems to be adjusting to her new home. Apparently one day she was actually dancing to some music that was playing there. I have NEVER seen her dance and the idea daunts me. She’s never been the “grandma” type making baked goods and reading stories. I think sometimes she had difficulty relating to us kids growing up in the ever-modernizing world. After we stopped wanting to color in coloring books, we were just difficult to manage.

She seems to be making some friends at the home, but I think she’s not used to having so many people around. She falls back on the way some of her old friends were, not really genuinely caring, but making pleasantries. The only really good friend she’s had in a long time was Aunt Pat. But Aunt Pat’s been gone for a few years now. I’m glad that grandma’s been able to keep going despite her loss and depression, but she really hasn’t been the same since then. I hope she can find the effort and will to make new friends. I know it’s also hard adjusting to the life in the home, with people going to bed a lot earlier than she’s used to. She’s always been a night owl since she takes naps in the afternoon. ::sigh:: She’s a woman after my own heart.

I really love my grandma, but I don't know her as well as I think I should. I learned a lot about her by going through her belongings, but that's not the same as learning it first hand. I'll just have to visit her more often and appreciate the time I have with her--that's what they say anyway. I suppose that's all I can do, make the effort. I think what bothers me the most is that we're all getting older. My dad just turned 60. The thought of my parents aging and eventually needing help like my grandparents scares me. They've always been pillars in my life and I want them to be there as I grow older too. It can be so hard making decisions between dedication to family and to my own life. And those decisions will only become more difficult. When is it selfish and when is it growth and independence? Maybe as I grow older I WILL grow wiser and figure that out.