To make up for lost months...
Sorry, but be prepared for a full on stream-of-consciousness rant.
I'm in a very sappy mood and listening to music that played at my wedding. Watching three movies either about Jane Austen or based on her novels in the last few days will do that to you. Not getting enough sleep and having stressful days at work will also have you thinking sentimentally.
I'm not complaining. I love my job. I love that my colleagues and supervisors think highly enough of my abilities to entrust me with responsibilities. I just don't love it that at least 12 hours of my day are taken up by my job.
I know that I can say "No." But I can't bring myself to it. Earlier this week, I had a much more personal epiphany: I am just like my brothers.
My oldest brother works 3 jobs to support his family. Every time I've asked him about it and wondered why he doesn't back off on his hours and insist that his wife pick up a part time job, he assures me that he likes what he's doing. He is a teacher, a tutor, and a manager at a fast food restaurant.
My second oldest brother has been working as a sort of "plant manager" for a major packaging corporation. His job has supplied him with a blackberry so he can get tens of emails and calls every day, even after he has "punched out" for the day. When I went to visit him in the fall, half the weekend was spent with him either at work, on the computer, on his phone, or talking with work colleagues.
And me. What am I? I certainly make less than both of my brothers. I also do not have a family to support. So why work so much? I just don't know. Teaching demands a lot of time, effort, and heart. It sounds lame, but it's so true. I give something of myself every day, even when I think sometimes I just hate my students, I still give them more. I can't stop giving.
No, I'm not an exceptional teacher. I feel far under qualified for that designation. But what is driving me? To be an excellent teacher? To be more? While my oldest brother has nearly completed his masters degree even while balancing family and jobs, I have not yet begun my post-bachelor education. I also haven't really even thought seriously about renewing my license, even though it expires in June 2010. It always seemed so far away. Now it's just two years.
I've been a teacher now for four years. I keep pleading with myself and others that I'm just a new teacher; I have so much to learn and am not ready for all of the things that are thrown at me. Today I mentioned that to an older and wiser teacher while we worked together to run a graduation rehearsal. I said, "What am I doing here? Shouldn't some other more experienced teacher by running this? When did I become a senior teacher?"
It is rather ridiculous. At most other schools, I'd be still quite low on the totem pole, with many hands and minds to guide me. But with my school being so small and so young, I've been pushed toward...no, strike that. Honestly, I've sought out a position of power. Does that make sense? Why would I wish more work?!
I blame it on my family's work ethic and on Girl Scouts. My family's motto would probably to always try my hardest and they will always be proud. As for Girl Scouts, I was always taught to leave things better than the way I found them. I'm fairly certain they were talking about cleaning the latrines and picking up litter, but apparently I've taken it as a maxim for fixing the world.
And what good can I do? What good have I done? So far, I've managed to do a barely passable job at sending two senior classes out into the real world. As hard as I tried and felt like I was doing right, I still feel like I failed to prepare them for the competitive society. The rest of the students, well, I guess I have at least one more year to try again.
Anything else? I suppose I did start an online school newspaper, but it's pretty bogus because I haven't managed to get even the second edition published. It's been finished for a month, but I just haven't taken the time to fix the one glitch in the image for the link bar buttons. I meant to have Chad check on my html stuff when he was visiting the newspaper class as a guest speaker, but I forgot. I guess there's better luck this summer and next year, but I still feel like I've been a less than mediocre editor-in-chief.
Hm...I suppose there is a sort of "library" now that I'm there. My school has no library and no media specialist. I guess I'm it, but with a full load of teaching, that means I do a half-assed job. I have a few hundred books that I've contributed through garage sales, used book stores, and my own collection, which I've stuck on two bookcases in my classroom. The students sign out the books in a binder. That's supposed to hold them responsible. Problem is, I'm too damn busy to check on the progress of it, so I forget to follow up on students to hold them accountable for missing books. ::sigh:: I'll probably lose at least 20 books this year. As it is, I lost at least 2 hardcover Harry Potter books. I'm not buying them again, used or not.
It's my second year at the same school. It's supposed to be EASIER! And yet, I feel more overwhelmed than ever. Seriously, my house would look like complete shit if Chris wasn't putting 4/5 of the effort to hold it together. (He probably does more like 9/10 of the work.) I feel like I'm working more hours and teaching more crap. My lessons are less inventive and I'm using more worksheets and doing more essays. What happened to the dream? When did it become all about this pressure; this constant pressure to get those kids to learn EVERYTHING they need to know and to have ALL the skills they need to succeed? Why isn't as fun? Why do I care so much?
God, I sound like such a full-of-myself whiner. I'm not that good; not that kind hearted. I just feel so much more pressure now. I keep wanting to improve my lessons, and I feel I'm not being difficult enough--I'm not challenging them enough. But what the F do they want from me? I'm already putting in 8am-7pm days most days of the week. That leaves 4-5 hours of "free time." It sounds like a lot from this perspective, but when I'm staring down the clock, those minutes fly by...and I haven't even played video games for two months. What the hell have I done?
Alright. My mind is clearer now. Positives?
*Over 90% of my students don't hate me and I don't think any of the staff hates me.
*I really enjoy coming up with creative lessons (when I give myself time).
*I really enjoy being "on stage" every day when I'm teaching.
*I've learned a hell of a lot about teaching, literature, classroom management, and administrative duties.
*I made my own website.
*I do get holidays off and will have 3 weeks off in June before summer school starts.
*I just might have "reached" a few students this year.
*Chris hasn't left me yet despite his constant burden of being married to a teacher.
*I get my own "office" with two big windows and it can hold 50 people easily.
*If I get my masters degree (and I do plan to start on that track this fall), I can make a few more thousand dollars a year...so maybe in a few years I can start earning a livable wage, eh?
(On a side note, it is sort of sad how most of our country pities teachers for not having a high enough salary, but the most that's ever done with it is Jeff Foxworthy "You might be a teacher if" jokes and discounts at craft stores and book stores. And it is also sad that many people ignore the fact that people who work in other social services fields also get shit pay, but with no discounts or "Oh, you're a teacher" pity looks.)
